Can you ever forgive vile things said in the heat of an argument?

[ToddlerMumma]

my DH says the most vile, cruel things when we argue. The next day, he is nice as pie and expects me to forget it and act like normal. But I can’t. This is a recurring event every few months, with the comments getting worse each time. I’ve had enough. I can’t forgive and forget. He never apologises for what he says, he just expects me to act like he never said it. AIBU to say he needs to own his words?

Doesn’t sound like they are forgivable words. What does he say?

Things like I’m a terrible mother (I’m not), I don’t do anything for him (I do), I’m the cause of his health issues (I’m not), I’m the cause of all the problems in our family (I’m not) etc etc

I personally couldn't forgive it and would have to pull him up on it when he is "being nice"

OP, this will never change, and asking someone to apologise to you and own his words is what exactly? How will that mend things if its not sincere but a request for you to move on from verbal abuse?

So no it wont improve with him owning up. It will however escalate into something bigger as he clearly does not respect you at all. He is showing you loud and clear how he feels you are to be treated, and teaching you this slowly and gradually. You seeing it is an issue for him because this is who he is and you reminding him of your worth is never going to bode well with him. He wants to say what he does, without implications or consequence from you.

The question is do you still know your own worth even if he does not?

It sounds like verbal abuse. He doesn't respect you (or himself).

My ex husband did this and always claimed he couldn't remember what he said. It was soul destroying repeating it back to him while looking for some acknowledgement. He apologised but never changed. He called me every name under the sun and completely assassinated my character. I don't miss him at all.

An apology without change is manipulation, and asking it from someone like this is like asking to be slapped again but get a bandaid after

Yes this OP. And you’ve said it’s ramping up. In future it’s highly likely he’ll strike you physically.

I would leave.

Op, that's not just nasty words said in the heat of the moment - that's emotional abuse. The fact he also gaslights you and expects you to just get on with it and never takes accountability for his own words and actions make him a narcissist and dangerous.

This is not what you want your kids to grow up in. This is not the blueprint you want them to take into their future relationships. You tackle that by making plans and leaving in the safest way you can. He will never get better because its not an accident, he's doing it on purpose because he wants to. You deserve better than this. Please reach out to womens aid, what you've described here meets their threshold for support and it might help to look at the cycle of violence diagram as you've described it perfectly here so seeing it might help you process that you've been living in an abusive pattern.

He has no self control when he’s angry and no real remorse for the hurt he causes, or he would do whatever he needs to to change. You can bet your life he doesn’t do this at work, with friends or anyone else when he is angry with. He is using you as a verbal / emotional punch bag. He isn’t going to stop so you are going to have to decide whether you are worth more than this. Which, of course, you are

He has contempt for you and it comes out when he’s angry as he blames you for his problems. I couldn’t live with someone once I had seen their true feelings no matter how much he could keep it in when he calmed down.

When these things get said, how does he justify them afterwards? And how do you feel, not just immediately after, but days maybe even months after when it comes up again?

How does it make you feel?

Do you see him differently now?

I couldn't forgive or forget and I would do anything to leave a man who spoke to me in such a nasty way.

Been there too I’m afraid. It never changed.

When I raised it afterwards I’d be told it was ‘really weird that you’d bring that up now and obviously why you have problems with relationships.’ (I didn’t have problems with any other relationships - just that one!)

He’d also sometimes just flat out deny things (‘I would never, ever say that!’ ‘I’m feeling very uncomfortable now as you’re accusing me of saying things I’d said simply never say!’). He once claimed an email I sent him had gone to his spam folder. Yet his PA had replied to it so he didn’t really have a leg to stand on. I didn’t dare point that out though as I would have been dumped on the spot.

This. What he says in anger show his attitude towards you

Op I could have written this post word for word ,my DH said the most offensive things to me decades ago when I had a mental breakdown over infertility/ miscarriages when I needed his support he told me to snap out of it or he would have me sectioned , he gaslights me saying he never said that to me but all these years later those words have still effected me and they still hurt

No unforgivable.

You might both find it useful to look up the 'chimp' brain theory / model. His human self is not fully engaged when you argue. He should apologise though.

If it was a one off and they said sorry they didn't mean it just said because heat of the moment/angry then I'd forgive then, maybe not forget it and keep it tucked away incase it came up again etc.

Your situation is a different kettle of fish. Taking his anger out on you time and time again and then apologising. Abusive partners always do this and repeat. You said its escalating. His apologies are meaningless OP. His behaviour is unforgivable. He's going to tread you into the carpet until you no longer have the strength to hold your head up and the fight is gone. Harsh words but you need to take everyone's advice on here. From people who have Bern through it and some who may be where you are and trying to pluck the courage to leave.
For your own sanity LTB.

I dont think so

Funnily enough, name calling - maybe, like dick or twat

But saying im ugly or unlovable or a bad mum - unforgivable

Shame breaks the strong.

He is trying to break you.

His human brain is well enough engaged to use language and in particular cruel insults. I don’t think many chimpanzees can do that….

No. He chose those words to hurt and belittle you. No way back.

Throw him in the bin I mean it my ex was like this I don't miss him

He hasn't even apologized

Nope. I have never been in a relationship with anyone who said cruel things during an argument, because I always dumped them the moment it happened.

Me and DP have never in 20 years ever said anything intended to hurt the other person.

Thank you all, I really appreciate your responses.

previously, after arguments like this, I’d try and ‘behave’ better to proove I was a good Mum/wife etc. then he’d be nice again and things would be calm… until the next time. But each time just chipped away at my soul

this most recent argument finally made me realise I don’t deserve this. A few months ago, a family member was severely ill and needed care. I asked him if they could stay with us so I could look after them. He said no because it would disrupt his life. So I went to stay with the family member instead, just for a weekend, to look after them. In this recent argument, he claimed I’d ‘abandoned’ him to look after her for the weekend. I just saw through him then

since the argument, I’ve said we have split up. We’re in separate bedrooms. I‘m not doing his cooking or washing etc. As far as I’m concerned, we’re co-parents and that’s it. I don’t think he realises what’s going on. He’s waiting for me to ‘behave’ again. In the meantime he’s being very polite, nice. I’m not sure how things are going to go from now on but I do know our relationship is dead