Can you ever forgive vile things said in the heat of an argument?

[ToddlerMumma]

my DH says the most vile, cruel things when we argue. The next day, he is nice as pie and expects me to forget it and act like normal. But I can’t. This is a recurring event every few months, with the comments getting worse each time. I’ve had enough. I can’t forgive and forget. He never apologises for what he says, he just expects me to act like he never said it. AIBU to say he needs to own his words?

No, I don’t think you can. Even if you move past it, every time chips away a bit more of the connection you have with that person until there is nothing left, or it did for me anyway. My ex used to say he didn’t mean it and it was in the heat of the moment but I never understood that. In the heat of the moment would be when you would get their true unfiltered thoughts with no time to moderate them.

Not if it were a recurring habit, like it seems to be for your DH. People who enjoy hurting others just because they’re angry are not people I want to spend any time with.

I love and respect my husband. I wouldn’t be with him if I secretly thought horrible things about him. So when we disagree, there are no “vile things” or insults to be dragged up to the surface. If we bicker, it’s about a specific topic at hand and doesn’t descend into personal insults or trying to hurt each other.

I also couldn’t be with someone who can’t control their anger and thinks regular heated arguments are normal.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t put up with that recurring theme.

This man has zero respect for you. Imagine him saying that stuff to anyone else…he just wouldn’t. The longer you stay the more expensive it will be, time to go.

I think you need to speak to a solicitor about the likely outcome of divorce.

No, I couldn’t forgive that.

‘Each time chipped away at my soul’

This is such a good way of expressing how it feels, my experiences are similar and I’m planning to leave, while my DH is going through a nice, polite phase - however I haven’t forgotten and I’m not forgiving. Actually leaving is not going well, I’m finding it hard to face his wrath and disrupt the pleasantries but have separated like you in every area that I can.

I wish you and others in similar situations well.

I'm sitting here on lunch at work wondering how to get out of my marriage, I have no money, just debts (racked up keeping him and his kids happy)

He has said some terrible things to me over the years, but I've tried to get past them and move on but last night was I think the final straw when he called me a mouthy cnut as I called him out on something I was unhappy about to do with contact with his ex.

Today he has apologised saying he was inflamed. It's always the same.

I've never been in a relationship like this before.

But he has, I know he had volatile relationships before and when we first met and he told me about them I was genuinely surprised as he seemed so lovely. I now get why they were such volatile and in some cases violent towards him. Probably self defence.

But I'm stuck, have nowhere to go. I'll continue to step back and I'm starting to nacho his kids too.

Sorry it's about me, what I'm trying to say is don't get stuck in a relationship like that, if you can get out then do.

Time to talk to a lawyer.

I’ve been quoted £366/hr for solicitors time surely it can’t be that expensive… can it?!

Good ones will save you more than that in a divorce

Yes, they are that expensive, but ask for recommendations, and have a conversation with each to check they are a good fit for you. You don't need someone overly aggressive, but someone that will be efficient and get you the best deal. You can do a lot yourself to save costs. Download a copy of Form E to get an idea of the information you will both need to provide. I would have initial conversations with 3 different solicitors setting out the situation and getting some initial advice, which you shouldn't have to pay for.