Can you ever forgive vile things said in the heat of an argument?

[ToddlerMumma]

my DH says the most vile, cruel things when we argue. The next day, he is nice as pie and expects me to forget it and act like normal. But I can’t. This is a recurring event every few months, with the comments getting worse each time. I’ve had enough. I can’t forgive and forget. He never apologises for what he says, he just expects me to act like he never said it. AIBU to say he needs to own his words?

What a nasty piece of work.

He is determined that you should not have any interests or life outside of meeting his needs and demands.

This constant chipping away at your self-esteem is designed to cow you into submission.

Well fuck that.

You deserve better. So do your children.

Kick him into touch and build a better life for yourself.

Well done for coming this far, he doesn’t deserve you or respect you so respect yourself and do better.

Don’t be fooled by his nice and polite tactics, you know it’s just to make you think you’ve made a mistake and it was all you because he’s nice really.
He probably believes this too so if you take him back he’ll have even more resentment for you causing all this and things will be worse.

Stay strong, it will be hard at first but you’ll be so much happier with someone who treats you well and respects you and this is what you’ll show your children and believe us all when we say he’ll never change.
I am 10 years into my second marriage with a lovely man who wouldn’t speak to me the way my ex did and only now I’m an equal in my marriage and have someone to fight my corner with me instead of against me can I see how awful and destructive it was and how it was never love.
Nobody else has stayed with him either.

been there... hubby never apologises and acts like everything ok. Sorry love... it's not gonna change. UNLESS.. there are major consequences for his actions. But be prepared for some massive explosive arguments first. However, looking back at where I'm at...I'd run.

No, absolutely do not forgive.

Because he actually does mean it, he just doesn’t want to take responsibility for it. He doesn’t say shit like that to his mother, or anyone else, and because he is a hypocrite he expects you not to say equivalent to him.

And shit like that only gets worse with age.
It is up to you whether to accept it or not, but I would recommend not, and leaving the rancid fucker to stew in his own bile.

^^ this is about the long and short of it. He holds you in utter contempt.

I don't think you can
You can't unring a bell

This isn’t what a relationship is supposed to be, OP. You need to end it with him in a clear, firm and final way. It is not acceptable and you know it.

Solidarity from me. I'm in a very similar situation to you. Husband goes into screaming at me if I challenge his bad temper (where he throws things). Apparently it's all my fault. Like you I have moved into the spare room (he handed me the door keys when I suggested that he moved out because of his bad temper and how it was affecting both me and our child).
I see this as a stepping stone towards establishing my own home and own life but it's going to take some time to get to that stage. Do you have children of School age? How are you managing the family life in the meantime? Meals, everyday conversations etc.

Hi op my mother like that. Then nicey nicey. I let alot go as she 80s however I do not forget when she digs nobody takes her away. I dont know these people never see they are in the wrong.

Reach out to Women's aid for advice and support.
Start gathering copies of all paperwork like morgage, salary, pensions, banks, anything at all.

Start looking at the future, housing, childcare.
Tell family and friends the truth and take their support.

Your abusive marriage is over.

Now is the time to get in front of it and get organised.

ANY hint of aggression from him, ring the police immediately to get him out.

We are here for you.

Throwing things is domestic violence.

Talk to Women's aid, domestic sbuse organisations.

Next time he throws something ring the police.

If you are the victim of domestic abuse you could be eligible for legal aid.

Educate yourself to protect yourself.
Tell family and friends.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.

Thanks @ComeTheMomentand sorry you’re in a similar boat

yes, 2 small children in primary school. He doesn’t work due to health reasons so I pay for everything and it’s all in my name. We’re getting on ok with family conversations etc and I take myself off to bed (in my own room) as soon as the kids are asleep. I went through the calendar at the beginning of the week so we’re really clear on who is doing what with the kids (he says I do nothing when we row). I cooked a favourite meal for me and the kids last night that he can’t eat. He looked bemused when I laid out our 3 plates. He quietly went off and made something for himself. He always insults my cooking anyway. It was nice not to have to go to 2+ shops when I did the groceries to pick up his fussy items! I wonder when he’ll realise I’m not doing his washing either.. prob when he notices his pants haven’t magically replenished.

I am meeting up with friends this weekend and will tell them everything. I‘m looking forward to the support

He sounds awful OP.

What are his health issues out of interest?

@FrenchandSaundersi can’t be specific as too outing but they are physical and lifelong so he won’t work again. He gets PIP and ESA so has his own funds

This is still part of the cycle of violence op. He's being nice and playing polite to try and create a honeymoon phase so you'll forgive him and match the civil energy he's giving you (because that's what normal empathetic people do) . At the moment he's looking at this like a game. When he realises you're actually done with him and are serious about it he is likely to get nasty again because he won't like the loss of control over you. If he can't manipulate you into it, he might well try to scare/bully you into it. You need to be prepared for that happening and you need to give him a deadline to be out of your house by. And you need to have a backup in place for you and the kids if it becomes unsafe for you to stay there. He'll say whatever he needs to, to try and get you back because getting you back in line means getting all his needs met again without having to do any of the work himself. He's profoundly selfish.

I would contact citizens advice or similar to get advice on your entitlements and you should seek legal advice as soon as you can to get your ducks in a row and see how you can get him out of the house .

Does he not use any of his PIP/ESA payments to contribute towards the household?

@kellygoeswesthe pays half of the childcare costs and contributes to groceries. I pay all bills, mortgage, kids activities etc

Ah, my ex husband used to do this. Similar comments but some completely random ones and vague threats too e g. 'telling people about me' whatever that means, and that he would leave with our children. The next day, he either couldn't remember or I was exaggerating apparently. It escalated to physical threats so I left. Absolutely horrible and definitely abusive.

Well done for separating. I hope you can move to a divorce as no child needs to see their parent being verbally abused. I'm pretty sure my ex grew up in a household with domestic abuse.

How long have you been married op? The longer you stay married, the more he will be entitled to, especially as he would be seen as the weaker party by not being able to work. I would see a solicitor for advice asap. And as others have said, this is abuse and he will only get worse.

You desperately need legal advice.
Also, try and communicate by text.
His verbal abuse.
His threats.
His throwing things.
Him scaring you and the children.
Repeat that I told you on X date our marriage is over.
Call 101, ask for the Domestic Violence officer, ask for advice.
Tell your GP all of the above.
Tell them how scared you and the children are of him and his temper, throwing things, verbal and emotional abuse.

Get this stuff documented.
We are here for you.

@Almostthere800 We’ve been married for 9 years. It’s annoying as I was single for many years before we got together and I had my own house, good career, pension etc. he came into the marriage with nothing. We did a prenup but I was warned that may not be taken too seriously once we had kids. We now have 2. We’ve moved house since we married, all paid for by me. No joint account etc. Could I really lose half my house, pensions etc despite building them up all on my own all my adult life?

He just asked why none of his washing was in the laundry room. I said because I’m not doing your washing anymore, remember? He said he can’t remember us agreeing that and he needs a day a week when I don’t use the laundry room so he can do his

You could make a case for keeping your pre marital pension out of the pot. And if you would be looking after the children 100%, then he would have lower housing needs. But try and see someone as soon as possible to see if the pre nup would hold and what a likely split would be. Anything over 10 years is classed as a long marriage.

Just tell him to fuck off? Why are you engaging with this nonsense?

@Comtesse don't say anything when you don't know what you are talking aboit. This is a renowned psychologists description of how our minds work in part - chimp / human. Famous book - The Chimp Paradox. Try reading sometime.