Rather than continue the old thread I wanted to start a new one. This is the old thread - thank you to everyone who replied and helped.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5306368-i-dont-know-how-to-move-forward?latest=1
So, by way of update – I went on the holiday. We barely spoke – he barked at me twice “So, are you going to fix it or not”. You can imagine my response. He becomes increasingly vile when I don’t play to it. We sorted it out when we got home (me weakening when he was talking to me without hostility about something and I just grabbed the opening and went and hugged him) and then as per usual things were amazing and I question myself and why I made such a fuss – I even felt a little ashamed of this thread. Made a huge effort for his bday and things were good, including in the bedroom. Then he went away for business for a week. It was fine for 24hrs after he returned but I’d had a UTI and was on antibiotics and we didn’t have sex for a few days (literally only a few days). He was becoming increasingly withdrawn (normal with everyone else but cold to me, no affection, no engagement, light “peck” back when I go to hug and kiss him to soften him up) and so I decided to raise it gently with him and said “this is an example of what I am talking about when you withdraw, I find it so hard to speak to you or be close to you when you withdraw”. He knows EXACTLY what I mean. But his response was confusion and “what do you mean, you haven’t been near me for weeks and you still haven’t dealt with the note”.
I shouldn’t have been surprised but my jaw was on the floor – really??? Really??? I'm afraid I lost it. Told him there was no way in hell I was doing this again. None. I told him we were done and asked him to leave. I saw red. I can’t deal with the merry go round. NOTHING HAPPENED so WTF are we here again. You can’t keep bringing up the same letter from over a year ago. Even IF there are still things outstanding – how on gd’s green earth does it justify discarding me like that? It hurts so fucking much and fills me with continuous anxiety. How can anyone live like that? Why would you be so cold like that to someone you love? Just why?
So, we’ve not really spoken since. He’s not left but I have never been more resolved to not do this again. I physically can’t even if I wanted to. I literally don’t have an ounce of energy for it. I must be an idiot. It’s always been like this but in the last year it’s literally every few weeks, it is making me go insane.
Anyway.
There’s been another note.
This one was seemingly written to himself (the note is entitled “how to find the courage to leave when you are no longer being respected). This note was left casually lying on his desk in his home office. I’m certain it was left for me to find. His father had popped round to say hi and walked into the office (I watched with interest as my husband subtly placed a book over the note). Later, he removed the book. He left the note sitting there all weekend. Who leaves such a private note lying on top of the desk?
He is now away on business for a week. After he left, I saw he’d tidied the desk and left the note sticking out of a very small notebook.
This is the first para of the note word for word after the title.
Long term continual abuse. All points towards stonewalling with a touch of gaslighting (vis a vis having discussed things) as opposed to simple narcissim – only 40-50% criteria fit. Will not admit it – classic stonewalling in every sense. Evidence laid out* but will not engage. Refuses to do anything to make me think she is committed to working things out.
*presume this means in the 8 pager he sent me
Then followed by a long list of all the nasty things I have said in the history of our marriage. Then continued…
I am not willing any longer to forgo intimacy and by habitual refusal to have sex she has forfeited my fidelity.
It then goes on about me needing therapy to deal with my issues and perhaps he will raise that with me.
He then tails it with the title written in bold again.
I don’t know why I am posting other than I just need to talk and get it off my chest – I am not sure its advice I need. Unless, am I missing something? I keep asking myself that, and then revert to my firm resolve and then question again. I just need to talk about it as I have not told anyone yet IRL and I have a constant low-level anxiety coupled with feelings of excitement that I could finally be free… and then again worry I am missing something.