Age gap relationship

[Mumoftwojune]

Would you date a man 18 years your senior?
I am 39, he is 57.

Ive seen it work long term, and I have seen it not work. Depends on the people, similar interests, health, appetite for life, wealth and outlook whether it works from what i have seen. If all aligned then it can work, if not then no.
I guess its like any relationship, but with a bunch of extra things to check off that you are compatible.

Ditto to this - except our age gap is 16 years. I love him a lot but do wish we were closer in age.

I married a man 9 years older and I can tell you he is nine years older.

It gets more noticeable when you get older. Do you want to do grownup diaper duty. Think about it.

I am in my late thirties he is mid sixties

I wonder how old are those saying the age gap worked for them. You don't really feel it when you're 30 and 50. Much more so when you're 50 and 70.

OP I think it depends on what you expect out of the relationship and how you see your twilight years.

• Would it be a fling or something serious ? Would you move in together or keep living separarely ? The latter would make it easier to not be roped in as an automatic carer.
• Would you want/expect to do everything together or would you (and him) be happy to go on holiday on your own when he's feeling too tired to keep up ?
• Would you want to be very active in retirement and do lots of things, travel, etc, or would you be happy with quiet hobbies and a slower pace ?

If you were thinking of children together I'd be a bit unsure in your place. If you're looking for a fairly independant companionship where you have fun when you're together and do your own thing the rest of the time, it's a lot easier to go for it.

And obviously you're more likely to spend the last two decades of your life alone.

That’s insane.

I notice a lot on here are also reluctant to divulge how old they were when they met

The same arguments would be valid, plus of course the fact that children wouldn't happen (only an issue if they wanted them obviously).

In my job the biggest age gap I witnessed was 46 years difference. But it was quite obvious that they married so she'd get a residence permit.

I also met a 25yo who had a baby with a 70 something guy. No paperwork shenanigans this time but she had serious mental health issues.

Obviously these are extreme cases but the biggest age gaps I saw in successful mariages was 13 years or less.

23 years age gap here im 35 hes 58 and couldn’t imagine being without him. Yes there’s downsides, im far more active for a start but we are so close. I know eventually I’ll probably end up caring for him but that honestly doesn’t matter to me. Been together 11 years

My neighbour has approx a 20 year age gap. She is now juggling a very old mother who needs lots of support, kids who still need support and a husband who is suffering for dementia and needs a lot of support. I have no idea how she manages it all. It looks so hard and she seems exhausted.

Melania doesn’t look very happy.

Passes the “half your age +7” rule.

But yes, I plan to be active and adventuring in my 50s+ not caring for an elderly man.

I did, actually but I was younger than you when we got together. I wouldn’t do it again, though. At first, it felt amazing with lots of love bombing and effort. But as I got older, I noticed he stayed in the same place emotionally. I think he liked how I made him feel younger and more carefree. But when I started taking life more seriously, things between us started to fall apart. I’m resentful that I wasted some of my younger years and he ended up grumpy, unreliable and spent his weekends playing golf with friends his age and refused to join any activity with my friends of my age. Mind you nobody could change my mind about dating him in the first place. Hope you find your answer x

Thanks all, definitely some things to think on there.

we met at work. He is divorced and has since had one other relationship which left him heartbroken after she cheated. He has been on his own a while now and this is his first step back into dating in a while (few years)

worth noting, he is a gym fanatic and is way fitter than I’ll probably ever be.

DP and I are exactly these ages - 39 and 57. Got together at 29 and 47. No DC either side (and no desire for any). He was divorced. Met through a shared hobby. Same outlook, politics etc. It’s lovely, no issues, and we have hugely enhanced each other’s lives. He is my best friend and I love having him in my life every day.

I find the negative views are often hypothetical so just wanted to add to those with personal experience.

After having my own parents divorce as a child I learnt to recognise a good relationship and appreciate one when I found it.

No I don’t know the future but we’re both healthy and enjoy exercise (gym/running/long walks). I do find the idea that everyone hits 70, becomes doddering and requires care a bit laughable. Not everyone has health issues! Some people run marathons in their 70s, 80s and even 90s!

Mumsnet hates age gap relationships. I’m 48 and my partner is 69. I got diagnosed with cancer almost two years ago and he cared for me after my surgeries and during chemotherapy. You never know how life is going to turn out.

I’m 38, my husband 58, been married 11 years. He is the best thing ever happened to me. He is also gym fanatic, fit and healthy and we have the most amazing life together. You can’t worry about the future, as pp says you don’t know what it will bring, just go on a date and see if you like him. Good luck!

This explains it very well and as a recently-turned 67 year-old, I do agree. I'm still very fit and active (walk several miles a day very briskly with my dog and am shortly off to the gym for the 4th session in a week, where I'll do a few more miles on the treadmill and weights) but the difference in me from 18 years ago is marked. For one thing, I wasn't recently diagnosed with hypertension and on meds for it!

My neighbour across the road married a man 15 years her senior and spent ten years nursing him until he died aged 91. Now 82, she's very lonely and, in poor health herself, has nobody to lean on.

Absolutely not. I have no desire to be a nurse with a purse.
Plus im nearly 60 so the thought of dating a man pushing 80 really is grim

No you only have to look at Emmanuel Macron getting off that plane. You cannot begin to understand that end of life part of life unless you have been there and being a guaranteed nurse maid for an older man is not how I would like to spend those years.

DH is 20 years older, frail now, so I am his carer. BUT I would rather be doing this in my early 60s than in 20 years time, which would have been a possibility if I had married someone my age. We had 25 good years before things got grim.

No. I did this in my 20s. The age gap meant nothing then. However he’s now 76…and I am 54. I cannot imagine how life would be if we stayed together.

We do have a now adult child so I have seen him grow older and I’m glad he was the asshole he was to me back then, to make me grow the balls to leave. If MN had been here back then you’d have all said LTB!

Since you already have kids and don't want anymore I don't see the problem with an age gap. I'm 45 and I always feel embarrassed at the gym when I'm next to a nice man in his eighties running next to me for an hour while I'm walking😳. So if he takes care of himself he might be in better shape than someone younger. If he's a nice, decent man and you're in love with him I want to say go for it!