Partner cheating with men

[fckedupsituation]

To clarify I am a female 40 in relationship with male 48. I have just discovered he has been cheating a lot with men after seeing a notification on his phone from grindr. The shock and betrayal is like nothing I have experienced in my life. It didn’t feel real and still doesn’t. We were friends for a long time before getting together. Both had troubles in early life, confided in each other, rusted one another. Always been sexual chemistry and we did cross that line a couple of times but we finally got together properly. He told me he has always respected and would never hurt me. I believed him. Finally trusted someone with my heart, got vulnerable and it felt amazing. I finally felt emotionally safe with someone. This has broken me, utterly broken.

i have changed username for this as it is so sensitive and i dont want to betray his trust as there is a difficult back story. He suffered a severe sexual trauma as a child from a male perpetrator. He says this is a method of self harm and it feels compulsive like he is t the one making a conscious decision to do it as it only happens when he takes coke. Didn’t see it as cheating but is profusely apologetic, saying he will do anything to make this better.

i have alot of compassion as he is definitely tormented all the time. Severe ptsd. But I can’t get over the betrayal and lies. I don’t know what to do I feel so stuck and so deeply deeply sad.

He claims it's not him, it's the coke. The truth it's him and it's his cock.

I think it's best you end this relationship. And my sympathies to him for what he went through but he needs to seek therapy to find his best way forward. Otherwise he will keep messing people's lives and that's not fair on them (not fair on you either).

It could be trauma, it could be PTSD, it could be a lot of things that he needs to look at in counselling.

Until he has unpicked all of that and healed, he can’t have a loving relationship with you. Or anyone for that matter.

And just as an aside, a 48 yo man who takes coke is going to have heart problems any time now. You don’t want to be there for that either.

It doesn’t matter why he does it. The fact is that he does it. It’s compulsive because he wants to have sex with men. It doesn’t matter that it’s men. It does matter that he’s cheating on you. I have walked a mile in your shoes. It’s devastating and there’s no way back - it’s such a deep betrayal. It’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You have to look after yourself first and foremost. This relationship is completely over for you. Get yourself along to a STD clinic asap. Get your practical ducks in a row and move out. Is there someone in real life who can support you?

None of this is down to you and this man is not your responsibility. I can’t be too clear on this, put yourself first. I’m so sorry you are going through such a hard time but there is a better life waiting for you.💐

It would be over for him. I wouldn't be able to be with a man who did coke either. At his age he could easily have a heart attack.
It's likely that you will end up with PTSD yourself if you stay with him.

I have an appointment booked for next Friday for full sti check and hiv. Can’t fucking believe I need to have an hiv test 😭

there is no going back, I think I know this deep down just don’t want to admit it. I’ve never loved anyone like this in my life, we have been talking about our future together. We have a holiday booked for the 4th of July. But the trust will never come back. Even if he does stay clean I will always wonder. Plus there are triggers for me everywhere I look. Even looking at his body knowing someone else has had access to it. Plus he has went looking for it, not as if it was a one night stand on a plate type of thing.

i now remember all the times he was out somewhere and his reasons or explanation didn’t quite add up. Now I know why.

i haven’t spoken to anyone in real life, don’t feel like i can. He is a suicide risk and I told
him I would not tell anyone. I know it’s not my responsibility if he chooses to try again but I am trying to keep the risk of that to a minimum as the suicidal thoughts have came up.

I want to go away for a few days and get some space as we live together and neither of us have any friends or family really that we can stay with but I can’t afford to. I feel so stuck and trapped. I think I might need to tell him to contact the local council and go homeless. I can’t access woman’s aid he has not been abusive and I would hate to take a place of someone who was fleeing domestic violence. The tenancy is mine anyway, he moved in with me.

this is shit. I just want to get drunk and block it all out. I haven’t drank in years as it was a crutch and I drank two bottles on wine on Sunday morning, one after another. Thankfully I am working overtime today so can’t deink
but I am almost planning it for when I finish 😭

@kklooi have actually been thinking about ptsd. I keep going completely blank just staring into space like a zombie and I keep getting triggered back to the feeling I had when I discovered the messages. I’m getting flashback memories of different occasions when I can now pin point he was with someone else

That’s normal at this point after a betrayal. It’s your brain piecing it all together. Until you’ve made sense of things it’ll keep happening I’m afraid. It’s why when people keep on lying and dripping out the truth that it makes it worse.

It’s not your job to protect him, or feel sorry for him, or become his shoulder to cry on. Just remember that. Your job is to protect yourself and get out of the situation as cleanly as you can. Don’t promise him anything - he doesn’t need or deserve your protection. Threatening suicide is a tactic to control you.

OP, if someone said to you "I'd never murder you", it would cause some sort of alarm to set off in your mind. Because you would recognise that this is not something that would cross most people's mind.

Similarly, when someone says 'I would never hurt you' then they have already conceptualised hurting you.

He always knew he would do this, and now he is minimising. You love the person he pretended to be, not the person he is.

I am going against the grain here and I’m in no way excusing his behaviour or minimising the shock and betrayal that you must be feeling.
But given the backstory I don’t think this is a classic case of cheating because they want a bit of fun on the side or whatever. It sounds like he has some very complex issues following his abuse and that it is a compulsion not something he does for fun. Obviously he needs therapy to unpick all of this and whether or not you choose to support him through that is entirely up to you. I would say protect yourself first and foremost.

He sounds like a man with complex traumas and you thought you could rescue/ fix him. I’m not excusing his behaviour but the chances of the happy ever after with this man, we’re slim.

Focus on yourself and distance yourself physically and emotionally from him, he isn’t and never was your responsibility.

He needs to go find somewhere else to stay, since the tenancy is yours. I would need the house to myself in your position.

Getting some space away by yourself seems like a good idea right now. Though it's always going to be difficult to talk about this to friends / family IRL, maybe a therapist could help - Just being able to talk to someone rather than feeling you have to carry this alone.
Basically, you've got to just think about yourself. Whatever his reasons for doing what he did - there are some things that can't be excused. He needs to go - now. You can't help him, he needs to do that by himself. Don't feel any responsibility, guilt, embarrassment, none of this is on you.
And while reaching for that bottle is completely natural and understandable - please be careful. You've been hurt badly, so don't do things that might hurt you more.

Thankyou all so much for the kind words and wisdom. Anonymous internet people are literally all I have. I do agree that I look after me now, even more so than what I was. I was very focussed on the relationship, us, that apart from work I don’t really have anything or anyone else.

to the poster who recognises the compulsion due to cptsd - you are correct. I am actually quite trauma
a informed and I am aware that csa survivors can reenact their abuse to gain some sort of control or make sense. I done it too. Cptsd from neglectful alcoholic upbringing, so I ended up very promiscuous as I thought this was how I gained love. I have done a lot of healing around this but but it can still be a battle at times to remember to love myself and not look for his approval. I also have felt the insane urge to do it and couldn’t even tell you why. Then I would feel even worse afterwards.

right now I have asked for space which he has respected

A lawyer why? OP does not have a spouse, if her cheating ex is genuinely suicidal he needs to seek medical attention.

Cheating is abusive and causes trauma to the victim. Do things you enjoy OP, the relationship sounded awful, a life of peace awaits you.

The sex of the cheaters don't matter, no, but I don't think OP should spend £100s on a solicitor for a theoretical note. That money could be spent on enjoying her life.

No the sex of people does not matter. Cheating is cheating. Having very intense crying spells then feel a calm release afterwards. I really want to forgive him which is making me feel like a total pathetic loser but he is trying to do anything he can to reassure me. Thankyou for the support it’s been needed.

I really want to forgive him which is making me feel like a total pathetic loser

You can forgive him without getting back with him. His CSA and trauma deserve compassion but you also deserve respect, honesty and safety from your partner.

My ex used to threaten that he'd write a suicide letter to our kids and say he did it because of me, never even occurred to me to get legal advice about it.

I'm sure people get 'blamed' in suicide notes all the time, it doesn't put them in the frame for killing them.

The safest thing to cover bases is to let the persons family know there is a suicide risk or report it to the relevant professionals.

Super convenient he doesn't see it as cheating and it's due to his mental health. He's taken zero responsibility. If it's not cheating then why conceal it from you? Surely it's fine to be open and honest about it. I wouldn't put up with his rubbish anymore. It's a hell of a combo: cheating, illicit drugs, poor mental health

No need to spend money and time on a solicitor. It's her house and he's the cheater using illicit drugs

The fact is, the reason most people do shitty things is because of trauma. It doesn’t excuse it.
I suffered CSA and I don’t use it as an excuse to cheat on people.
you need to get away from this man.