Partner cheating with men

[fckedupsituation]

To clarify I am a female 40 in relationship with male 48. I have just discovered he has been cheating a lot with men after seeing a notification on his phone from grindr. The shock and betrayal is like nothing I have experienced in my life. It didn’t feel real and still doesn’t. We were friends for a long time before getting together. Both had troubles in early life, confided in each other, rusted one another. Always been sexual chemistry and we did cross that line a couple of times but we finally got together properly. He told me he has always respected and would never hurt me. I believed him. Finally trusted someone with my heart, got vulnerable and it felt amazing. I finally felt emotionally safe with someone. This has broken me, utterly broken.

i have changed username for this as it is so sensitive and i dont want to betray his trust as there is a difficult back story. He suffered a severe sexual trauma as a child from a male perpetrator. He says this is a method of self harm and it feels compulsive like he is t the one making a conscious decision to do it as it only happens when he takes coke. Didn’t see it as cheating but is profusely apologetic, saying he will do anything to make this better.

i have alot of compassion as he is definitely tormented all the time. Severe ptsd. But I can’t get over the betrayal and lies. I don’t know what to do I feel so stuck and so deeply deeply sad.

So he must be on coke loads at the time of arranging these events on his way to them and doing them sorry no excuse drugs and I would be off regardless of anything else going on

I'd like you to think about the fact that you don't have enough money to even go and sit in a hotel for a couple of days to think, while he's spunking his spare cash on coke. That doesn't sound fair to me, OP, leaving out all the cheating etc.

Can you not (oh, I hate this phrase) 'uncouple mindfully' and go back to being supportive friends? Because he is really not in any place to be in a meaningful relationship and particularly not when he's damaging someone he professes to love.

I don’t think he does it as self-harm. I think he’s gay but his horrific experiences of being abused as a child have made him ashamed of that - so he represses it until he takes coke which gives him the confidence to put the shame aside.

Not that it matters. He’s repeatedly cheated on you and that’s a betrayal, whether it’s with men or women and whatever the reason. He’s also a drug user. You absolutely do not have to put up with this.

I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago. He was actively seeking out encounters and having numerous lengthy online chats (sharing pictures etc) with men. I suspected something was going on as he was weird with his phone and just ‘distant’. I twice asked him and he flatly denied anything was wrong so after much agonising about the rights and wrongs of it, I looked at his phone. It was all there.

I confronted him and he too said it was something he didn’t want to do but felt like it was a compulsion due to childhood trauma. He was a very complicated person and so I (foolishly) agreed to stay as long as he got into proper counselling to explore what was really going on.

I also had counselling to try and work out my own feelings. After a year I genuinely thought we’d turned a corner. He was calmer, so much more engaged and was committed to no more secrets. In truth, he’d just gotten very good at hiding it. Despite all the counselling, all the deep and meaningful discussions, all the times I felt he’d really shared his life with me, turns out he’d duped both the counsellor and I and had never stopped. He just got a second phone.

It’s possible that your partner’s cheating is related to trauma. Regardless of intent or coke or compulsion, it’s still cheating. The trauma might be an explanation but it’s not an excuse. You can absolutely forgive him if you choose to but you can’t fix him. All the love in the world can’t fix a man with unresolved trauma who uses drugs and sex with strangers in order to cope.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

How can he 'reassure' you? He's a cheating, lying cokehead, all those things require him choosing to do those things, repeatedly.
Don't allow him to rob any more of your one life.

(meant to say there is no reassuring he can do. I too was SA'd as a kid and managed to not abuse people, lie, cheat or do drugs. It's quite easy to not do these things.
Think of how enjoyable and peaceful life will be rid of this man)

I feel like the most pathetic person alive right now. I’ve accepted all the tears and clung onto the hope that everything would be ok. The depth of the love I have for this cunt has kept me holding on as I can’t bare the thought of not being with him. It’s needy and selfish and I didn’t care. I’ve came home from work again to find him with coke on the table and I believe it’s the straw that’s broke the camels back. I need to end this and not give in. This will be the rest of my fucking life if I don’t. I need to remember he abused my trust, my love and my understanding. He’s used my car, my money and my home for his own selfish needs and I can’t even get a fucking cup of coffee made for me when I come home from work.

im writing this solidify this in my fucking stupid mind. I need to wake the fuck up and find some strength and self respect.

I will never recover from this. He has tortured my mind and I will probably never trust anyone ever again. I am fucking broken and I still haven’t even told him I need him out. I can’t accept this and I know I am clinging onto nothing but a fucking fantasy wrapped up in lies.

what the actual fuck is wrong with me. I just want to run away

You got someone you can run to? Family, friends? But yes, you need to end this. You just need to get out, get away . You know it but you need someone to hold your hand so you don’t trip up on the way. Be strong, but strong enough to ask for help

My friend warned me about him, she didn’t trust him and I stupidly did not believe her so I don’t feel right going to her. I just thought she was being a man hater as she really does hate men. I see why now.

i could go to my mum, she only has a one bedroom flat so I would have to sleep on the couch but I can’t bare the thought of telling my 73 year old mother what my partner has been doing. I might just have to. Once I tell someone in real life there is no going back. I am also worried about my son. He is 20 and very protective over me, I worry he will hurt him physically once he knows something has happened. Right now everyone thinks we are truly happy and I am finally with the love of my life. I’ve went straight for a shower and came to bed without even saying anything to him. He’s still sitting down the stairs with his coke and staring at his phone. Not even came to see why I haven’t spoken to him.

Kick him out. Why should you have to leave? How dare he bring coke into the house after all he's done. His past trauma, as awful as it is, does not excuse him. Tell him to pack his shit and go. You need to tap into your anger and outrage. It will see you through this difficult period and lead you to act. Later, after he's gone and you've calmed down, take the time to grieve the relationship you thought you had.
It does get better. I know you feel like you will never be happy again, but you lost likely will after you have healed from this. The peace you will feel from not having to wait for the next shoe to drop all the time will be priceless. ❤️

Am lost here, this post was 3 weeks ago,
You had a clinic appointment ' Friday ' did you go was everything ok,

Why are you still with this man op, nearly 3 weeks to get him out or you leave , why haven't you started this process op,

Who's house is it, rented/ owned,

I done the original post 3 weeks ago and have buried my stupid head in the sand because I’m a pathetic loser. There is a bit of still in shock, disbelief and when I “forget” everything feels perfect almost. The worst form of denial I think I have ever experienced. But I’m worn down, constant triggers, memories, tortured thoughts. I can’t go on like this. I am also terrified of the emotional pain I will feel when I do what I need to do. I have a history of really poor mental health and I am terrified this will knock out so badly I won’t have the strength to get up. And no I did not go to my appointment. It was an accident, lost track of time that day and was too late. Haven’t re booked though. Denial again probably. When the truth really hits me, I feel like I am in a war zone and have no where to go and start to panic. It’s really scary. The two times that’s happened I’ve had to drink alcohol to calm my nervous system so I really am scared that my mind might be too fragile. I feel so disappointed in myself now which is a horrible feeling.

Op there’s. Book called ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant.He explains what he did that dragged him out iof a deep suicidal mess. Then he gives you clear instructions on exactly what to do to help feel better. They are very simple and you can do some of the tasks anywhere, even while driving or in a meeting - it’s important to do them very regularly.

The book ‘Cheating in a Nutshell’ may help you too.

The site ‘surviving infidelity’ may also help you as there are numerous resources.

What is stopping you calling the police and saying ‘I’m afraid, my ex has drugs and I want him removing from my home’ ? What is you worry?

This happened to me with an ex - and you can never trust them again. The fact is that Grindr means they have access to sex on demand the second you’re not around. Two men with an itch to scratch and GPS shows they’re near one another? You’ll always be wondering what he’s up to - and you’d be right to

Please go to your appointment- men in denial about being gay and particularly in denial about why they’re doing this are high risk takers

Op do you have enough money to access EMDR therapy? It may help your past and your present.

What I will say is this cheating abuse, may make you resolve your feelings around all your struggles and past problems.

You need him out and then you need to grieve. Grieve your past, this man, your feelings for yourself. There are so many books and resources people on here can help with.

Love him or loathe him Mark Manson has done a new podcast - the first one is on values. I believe writing down your values and living by them Daily will help you here. So I suggest that podcast - it’s also on YouTube. It’s long and there’s a written book to go with it. It’s in-depth too. Start with the Love yourself book. Then go onto that podcast - or do both.

Not cheating is about your values. I don’t cheat for me. It’s easy to cheat. Nothing and no one can make me cheat because my word matters to me. It’s a daily choice I make. So list your values op. The journal every day about how you recognised and lived by your values. You may not know your values this very minute. So brainstorm on a piece of paper.

Also write for 10 minutes everything that comes into your head as you write. Don’t worry if it’s a load of mumbo jumbo- write and write for 10 mins and then burn it if necessary. It shred it. Then do it again in a couple of hours. If you are overwhelmed in these early days - write.

You will get through this op.

Op you mentioned your friend who had warned you about this guy, she's your friend, swallow your pride and go to her she will support you, advise you,
Your son ' were is he,
Your mum, doesn't need to know all the details op tell her ' your not getting on anymore anything to get away from him, tell someone,

You are never going to feel well (MH) while your with him, op, you need to separate to get better,

And you need to get tested op

First things first . Stop drinking , it's not a help , and could set you on a path for things to get much worse , he has messed / fucked you over , don't do it to yourself as well .I

Rise up , and sort yourself out . Get him out of your home , it's your home , your safe place , get rid of him in it .

Don't fall for any further promises of stopping coke or potential hook ups , he's failed that already .
Book your appointment to get tested , you need to get that done . It's a priority .
You should confide in someone , it's his shame not yours .I

Think about yourself , spend time doing things for yourself , nice things you enjoy doing but may have let slip .

Especially if off their head on coke.
Stimulant drugs can lead to hypersexuality where the user is obsessed with sex fantasies, excessive masturbation at and extreme high risk sexual behaviour.
They may not do all of the above but it's in the mix.

Please pack a bag today and go. You can’t stay in this intolerable situation and he is not your responsibility. You need space.

Op this is so hard to read you berating yourself.
You're not a stupid pathetic loser at all.
You've been shat on by the one person you thought you could trust.
That hurts and people respond differently to trauma.

It looks like you're stuck in a freeze or even fawn response. Try and speak to someone in real life about it. The friend who didn't like him might be a good help right now.

Lean into the anger you're feeling but don't internalise it- you're anger is at him, don't take it out on yourself.

Seek help for your MH, rebook the clinic appointment and reach out for professional help eg your GP would be a good place to start or the sexual health clinic.

This has been a tremendous shock. Of course you are going to be initially devastated. It doesn't mean your are weak but you need to start putting yourself first. You have been busily trying to protect a man who has lied to you for years and put your health at risk. I think you need to talk to somebody in real life and get the STI test rebooked. Alcohol is a depressant so it's unlikely to help though I know people often think a drink will help. I know I did during a very difficult time. I also know you feel you will never be happy again because I once felt the same but you can move on. I am happy again though it took me a fairly long time to get there.

You can start the process by getting this parasite out of your home - call the police if necessary to get him out. It's not your concern where he goes. You have the rest of your life to lead - without a coke taking loser. Forty is no age at all. There are nice kinder people out there - it sound like he's been a right misery to live with if I'm being honest.

I'm in my sixties. I think your mother may be far more understanding of your situation than you realise - just because people are older doesn't mean that they have all led sheltered lives surrounded by perfect nuclear families.

You need to tell him to leave. That’s it. He needs to go. This is appalling.

I am in a similar situation,my partner of 27 years is cheating with men,he doesn't know I know yet and it's the most horrible feeling in the world,hiding phone,asking questions about when and where I am working and as soon as your back is turned there they are on these apps,I know he is on one specific one with sexual pics of his parts on,I know he's met quite a few men for god knows what in a good few years,now it makes sense to why he won't show any interest in me all I get is excuses when I try to initiate things,it's just a shock that it's men! Folk don't understand how it feels to be replaced by a man and someone who lies and cant be honest to your face and comes home as if everything is normal and wants to do family stuff,I am waiting to speak to someone who can maybe help with this minefield of emotions right now but trying to be normal most days is hard,so I really empathise with anyone in the same situation,

@TheCandidSquid please tell me you're going to leave him? This is just cruel.
So sorry this is happening to you, noone deserves this.
All the best x