Partner cheating with men

[fckedupsituation]

To clarify I am a female 40 in relationship with male 48. I have just discovered he has been cheating a lot with men after seeing a notification on his phone from grindr. The shock and betrayal is like nothing I have experienced in my life. It didn’t feel real and still doesn’t. We were friends for a long time before getting together. Both had troubles in early life, confided in each other, rusted one another. Always been sexual chemistry and we did cross that line a couple of times but we finally got together properly. He told me he has always respected and would never hurt me. I believed him. Finally trusted someone with my heart, got vulnerable and it felt amazing. I finally felt emotionally safe with someone. This has broken me, utterly broken.

i have changed username for this as it is so sensitive and i dont want to betray his trust as there is a difficult back story. He suffered a severe sexual trauma as a child from a male perpetrator. He says this is a method of self harm and it feels compulsive like he is t the one making a conscious decision to do it as it only happens when he takes coke. Didn’t see it as cheating but is profusely apologetic, saying he will do anything to make this better.

i have alot of compassion as he is definitely tormented all the time. Severe ptsd. But I can’t get over the betrayal and lies. I don’t know what to do I feel so stuck and so deeply deeply sad.

It's still cheating whatever the reasons behind it. You need to end this relationship. It's toxic for you.

There is a lot going on in the background,I'm not ready to go just yet,getting ducks in a row though,these men seem to use the excuse "it's not cheating because it's a man" to justify there actions,I have a good friend network to help but it can be hell of a lonely as no one really understands,it's just the randomness that's so disgusting,although he has a regular man who also has a partner who he meets sometimes x

@TheCandidSquid I am so sorry you are going through this also, it’s such a head fuck. I now look at men in my local area, even going to the shop, thinking I wonder if my man has fucked them?! Unfortunately I know what mine was doing or may still be if he has learned to be sneakier. I read as many of the messages as I could and took photos of them as proof as I knew he was try and gaslight me. It’s horrible. I now get visual images of what he was doing also and the worst think is, the things he was saying to them is exactly what he would say to me during sex.

some one said up thread about being stuck in a freeze or fawn trauma response and that’s exactly how I feel actually. I have progressed now slightly and told him I think we need to separate. I need to do this in baby steps

It definitely is ,I'm even watching tv and thinking is he finding these men attractive?mine doesn't come near me now I get all excuses under the sun,yip I take screenshots too,they think they are smart and we don't know,yes I did snoop at the phone but I just felt something was off and am glad I did as I would hate to be in position of not having a clue,baby steps is best and at your own time,people always say just leave but it's not always as easy,but we will get there,I get the mental images too and cos I have seen videos it feels worse

@fckedupsituation @TheCandidSquid feel for you both- cheating and lying can be bad enough but you both know there’s no good way out. I understand about the ‘baby steps’ but I’d just worry that staying in a situation where you know this is going on and delaying the inevitable, is just going to be corrosive for your mental health. Just do what’s right for you, at the time that’s right for you, put yourselves first.

Thank you,I am in the process of getting help with this,as it is a big shock after so many years together,and some days are easier than others,the day will come I'm sure,it's such a hard thing to come to terms with.

The worse thing is they think they do no wrong,as one of his messages say to his boy on the side there is no harm in what they do as long as no one knows,are they for real??? No morals between any of them,wanting to cuddle up and be close ,couldn't lie straight in bed I reckon.

They have a ‘but’ in their fidelity.

I am faithful but it doesn’t count if I hide it well. I am faithful but shagging a man doesn’t count.

To me I don’t say why I don’t cheat. I describe why I am faithful. It’s a daily choice I make. For me. My husband is annoying at times. I am faithful for me. My word matters to me. I said vows and I meant them. I want my family and friends who listened to me make the vows know my word is meaningful. My words matter to me. So I am faithful for me. I like myself, I’m crap at lots of things and great at others. But I want to like who I see each morning in the mirror.

My husband is not powerful enough to make me remain faithful. In fact if I believed that nonsense I could adapt that thought process and say I am only faithful if he does X, or should he do Y I will cheat. All nonsense. There is nothing he could do or not do to force me to betray my own values. So I am faithful for me and my husband is my collateral damage.

Sadly you are your husbands collateral damage.

I also believe values and your focus on values in this awful time in your life will get you through. So write them down and live by them every day - journal how you lived by them every evening. Do it even when you do t want to.

Why are you faithful? Start there.

You can reframe your negative thoughts and by rewriting and rewriting in your journal you will start to feel better.

Faithful, believing, hopeful, giver of grace - 4 great traits that you have shown to him during this thread. So now use these traits to look after yourself, believe in yourself, give your past self grace - you believed and had hope (far better that than who he is - you are the catch here). Look to the future with hope. Sounds corny but try it, repeat it and change your thought process.

He’s not a catch, he’s grim and his stated values don’t match his actions - that’s the sign of a saddo loser. It’s absolutelyfine to shag Grindr men. It’s not fine to pretend to be monogamous and then shag Grindr men - that’s for losers. It’s abuse to remove your ability to consent to understand the marriage you are in.

Back to values - You believed and then still saw good in him - I know who I’d rather date or rely on or spend time with.

Nurture your values. You’ll get there.

I’ll throw in my two penn’orth for the ‘coming to terms’ issue - my experience is very different to yours but what took me a long time was reconciling what someone actually did - with the person I loved, who I thought they were. It messed my head completely for a long time and frankly any contact re-messed it when I thought it was getting straight again. Basically my experience was that I could only move on with zero contact, because any contact and communication meant bringing back warm feelings about someone who existed only in my head, my memory: And that person didn’t really exist. Saying this in the hope it’s of some help to you - but getting away can be the first step.

Yes it's relateable,sometimes you put it in the back of your head and see what used to be there,then hits you when you not expecting it,it's hard not to take it personal sometimes when they are all over these people and you are there and get nothing expected to be the faithful partner while they do the hell they want.

These men are growing in numbers. The internet and anonymity have made it easier. Some just want the physical pleasure of sex. Some are selfish. They only see the end being that their partners will never find out. They place their sexual pleasure above the feelings of their partners. The only way to make him feel the consequences is to leave. Tell a support network. Don't think you can't out him. If he didn't want outed, then he wouldn't have risked being outed. They can stay single. It isn't that hard. Get support and leave.

Women staying only makes it easier for those men. What the women are hoping for is for the man to beg every day and for this hurt to disappear and return to normal. It won't. It's all an excuse not to leave him. But once you do, the weight on your shoulders disappears.

These men use women as a sex toy, a sheild against stigma, and an incubator. That's the truth. Whilst some have trauma. Normal people who love their partners seek help to better themselves.

In the end, he still took coke, knowing where it leads. He's only upset that he was caught. You are making it a lot easier for him and other men like him to keep it up.

I'm so tired of these men taking trust away from actual straight men. I am so tired of them lowering hetrosexual dating standards. Most of us have trauma. We are not here to be emotional punching bags or testing organisms for men. Women deserve happiness. We deserve choice. We deserve to find people who love us as we live them.

What those men do is cruel and horrific. They take reproductive time away from women, they take potential long-term romantic fulfilment away, and they take our own choice away. So they will not and can not bullsh*t us about their issues when they are causing us long-term trauma. These men don't care about women. They choose to set up accounts. They choose to take pictures. They choose to reply to men or comment. They choose to arrange a date. They choose to set up a place to engage in sex. They choose to drive there and chap on their door. They choose to walk in and have skin on the skin and genitals inside of strangers. Every moment before they made a choice, they never once felt guilt for how their partners love them and how they may feel after knowing the risks they took. They slept well at night. That's how much they didn't care. So, for women everywhere, this can not be normalised. This is what they are trying to do. This will be the gay handmaids' tail if we keep going in this direction.

Those men are mentally unwell. They are not our burden. So go to our path organisation for support of you are affected.

If anyone wonders if this is really a problem, I encourage you to delve into the internet and see how easy it is to find men who cheat like this in high numbers. Website LPSG and even reddit subreddits such as bimarriedmen or downlowmarriedmen have made it easier to find men to cheat with for them. It's not just dating apps, and dating apps are not just grindr. There's sniffies or jackd etc etc. There are normal icons for these men to hide the apps in their phone as well. So it's not easy to discover. The HIV rate in hetrosexuals couples took over gay couples at one point. There are real-life hidden cameras of porn videos of married men meeting escorts/prostitutes. Many of the escorts online are "straight" and hiding also. Look at the true crime case where the husband was an gay escort, and his wife and stepson have never been seen since she had messaged her friend what she had discovered years ago. They never had enough evidence to charge him. He's now married with children again.

If this doesn't scare you, then look at how many other true crime cases contain elements of men like them. Michael Peterson, Aaron Hernandez, and Delawani South African honeymoon murder etc etc etc.

But even more recently was the mother, military officer, and wife Ashley Henning, who was murdered by her husband on ring camera. He shot her and spat on her, then counted down until she died with kids in the house. He went on trial recently and got manslaughter charges because he convinced the jury he was abused. Then, after the trial at sentencing, the truth came out. He was angry with her at a party for their kids' birthday with neighbours attending because she wouldn't kiss him. She also wouldn't sleep with him for a while. She saw snap chat messages that he was sleeping with other men. He eventually admitted this in another court hearing to try and reduce his 15-year sentence. Ashley wanted to leave him, and he felt shame, so he killed her. This is what can happen when we allow them to think it's not a big deal.

They are mentally unwell. They should be treated as so. So make women everywhere less naive to these selfish and mostly perverted creeps.

Good luck.