Explosive rows with DH

[Fedupwitharguments]

Another week, another explosive row with my DH about something minor.

It was our anniversary today, and the only words we exchanged (aside from practical stuff about our kids) were him yelling at me for what he considers unreasonable behaviour (basically, me being upset at him for something I considered selfish but which he thought was fair. It was a small issue, but, as with many previous arguments, it has escalated into something horrible).

We are constantly failing to agree or emphathise with the other.

My DH does a lot - he's a great, hands-on dad, a thoughtful husband (most of the time) and works tirelessly (as well as helping around the house when he can/when I ask him to). But I do a lot, too (and I'm currently pregnant with our third child - we've always wanted three, and our other two are young - so things aren't smooth at the moment. It doesn't help that I'm a bit obsessive about keeping the house clean, keeping on top of the washing etc).

His job involves ridiculously early starts and a lot of pressure. I feel like his emotional punching bag - he constantly takes his stress and exhaustion out on me. We went on holiday recently and had a great week together. No arguments. But in everyday life, I'm walking on eggshells, thinking twice before saying anything that could annoy him. I also increasingly feel like our views on things differ. Although we live the same life in a lot of ways, our experiences (his, a stressful full-time job involving travel) and mine (home life with two young kids and a stressful part-time job) are different and we aren't seeing eye to eye anymore. It's a fairly new thing. I love my husband, my kids and my life. But these arguments are becoming so explosive, I'm worried they'll lead to divorce.

In the rows, we're both pretty stubborn. But while I have recently tried to 'draw a line' and move on from them, he insists I say 'sorry' first - which I won't do if I genuinely believe I'm not in the wrong. As the row/silence between us continues, he gets himself riled up and eventually ends up being quite verbally abusive. Today, he told me in a rage he needs a new wife not a new job - something he has yet to apologise for/take back - and that he resents me for how I am in arguments.

His anger issues - or so I consider them - have been a long-standing issue in our decade-plus relationship, and we have nearly broken up over them. He has said some pretty shocking things to me in the past - for example, calling me a stupid cow and silly b* - and he once called our toddler a stupid little t*t in a rage (just typing that conjures up an image of a man who doesn't look like my DH. He adores the kids, and is just not like that normally. But he is just horrible when angry). His dad apparently has a temper, too, and I'm worried about my kids witnessing/experiencing/inheriting (?) it. No-one has ever spoken to me like that before. I sometimes question why I've put up with it for this long.

We have had a huge argument every few weeks since the start of the year (I have started jotting them down as I've realised they're increasing). I don't know what to do. I desperately want our family unit to stay together and be happy - something we are most of the time. But these rows are awful. My hormones/exhaustion probably aren't helping, but he has zero understanding/empathy and rarely asks about how I'm feeling.

He is more concerned with the minor issues causing the rows, and my lack of apology for bringing them up/not appreciating him, but I'm worried about the escalation of them - the days we spend in silence, furious at each other.

Any advice/outsiders' perspectives appreciated. I'm tired so have possibly worded things badly. I won't be offended by any comments! x

But can these anger issues be resolved with therapy? Though I guess, even if they can be, the drawn-out rows and him refusing to speak like adults about them for days (during which time, his anger spirals) wouldn’t be solved.

That is awful to read. Your poor mum.

No, and to be honest, if I had taken such advice, I would have left him more than a decade ago when the anger issues were a glaringly obvious problem. I love him, and he has been a kind, generous, funny, hard-working man in so many ways (who has organised thoughtful surprises for me in the past, praises my parenting, feels like my best friend/other half - we have so many shared values, has been through so many life events and changes with me, has owned several houses with me…). He donates to charity every month, we have volunteered together, he supported me through my demanding, high-pressured jobs (pre-kids). The thought of leaving him makes me feel sick. But we can’t continue in this hideous cycle. And I can’t let myself get spoken to like that anymore.

He needs anger management/stress therapy and then you can have couples counselling to talk everything through.

It sounds like he is being over sensitive and over reacting. I can understand him not wanting to be bothered when he is stressed, but you have life to get on with and can't time bothering him to suit him.

This really is his issue to sort out before you can work on the relationship together.

Oh ok your posts are hard to read. I honestly think you should pack up the kids and go stay with your mum. Or take a night in a hotel and leave him with his mum and the kids, but better to take them with you. He has no empathy at all. Not one skerrick of normal human care and love for you or concept that your emotions should matter to him. Pack the kids, go, message him and say I can’t live with your anger and your furious silences any more. I can’t live with turning around on a regular day to have someone who’s supposed to love me tell me to just fuck off, it’s abusive behaviour and it’s been so frequent this year. I don’t want our children to grow up in the middle of your hostile fury. I cannot discuss it with you without triggering another of your rages but I Cannot. Live. With. It. Anymore. No one could.

Op, your posts are hard to read. Ok was a typo.

Ah. I might have guessed. He takes it out on his subordinates. I bet he doesn't talk like that to big corporate clients, lawyers, board members and senior accountants, does he?

He sounds awful OP. None of his supposedly ‘redeeming’ qualities or contributions to family/married life excuse or make up for his verbal and emotional abuse. As the kids get older it will likely get worse, especially with a third child on the scene. I grew up in a home with explosive rows, a lack of emotional regulation, and verbal abuse. It was dreadful and I would do all I could to protect my kids from that kind of environment.

good luck and I hope you have family and friends to turn to for support as you are going to need it by the sounds of things.

No op, sadly his issues cannot be readily resolved through therapy. He is likely to be a carbon copy of his father, whom you also describe as a nice man. These men are wolves in sheep clothing.

He would also need to be open to therapy and he is showing no indication of wanting to engage. He Has already refused counselling unsurprisingly . He would also need years of therapy too and then again it may not work.

I urge you to plan your d exit from this with due care. I sadly think you have not seen the very worst of him yet and what you’ve already seen is bad enough. The effects of this on your children is incalculable but it’s bad.

Skye, am courses and joint counselling are no answer to domestic violence which is what is being described here. He does this because he can, feels entitled to do so and he knows this works for him. Op is not emotionally safe enough to embark on joint sessions with him and besides which he does not want to attend. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is also NOT a relationship issue.

If the thought of leaving him makes you feel sick then ask yourself why that is. You’ve been living a lie these past few years and your relationship from the early days was turbulent too due to his behaviour. The red flags present were either minimised or simply not recognised.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships?. Where do you think they learn about relationships from?. Its you two, you’re both providing the blueprint for their own adult relationships and this model is no legacy to leave them.

💯 this advice. Unless you do something that will make him sit up and actually take notice nothing will ever change. At the moment he says what he wants, has a grant run, is verbally abusive and nothing changes in your relationship. It’s horrible for a child to grow up in this type of environment. You think you are hiding it from the children but you aren’t. Please for their sake do something and do it now

This describes my ex exactly! This is why it’s so confusing. Give with one hand and take with the other.

If he thinks about it at all he clearly thinks that you owe him for the “nice” things he does for you. But in what sense does he “share your values” or act as “your best friend” when he is torturing you by shouting/raging at you for failing to praise him enough for finding your glasses? Or any of the other small and large insults he directs at you.

He is telling you outright that he has to relieve work stress by shitting on you. He may even believe this is necessary to him—that is a narcissist’s sense if entitlement. Their needs are paramount and they expect you to accept that gratefully and quietly.

When you don’t they will either say “I paid you already in housing/support/praise/gifts/condescending to marry you etc… (this is where all your nice memories are weaponized against you) or he will collapse into victim hood (“but I work so hard! I am so stressed!”)

On the one hand the perfectly normal things that loving husband’s do (god knows my dh does all those things) turn out retrospectively to have been a chore that he did for you, you selfish cow, and he requires you to pay him back by being somehow nicer to him now. Or, on the other hand, all those loving nice things you did for him were not enough.He is barely functioning. He will collapse unless you “give him space” snd “stop being so demanding” etc..etc..etc…

In a truly healthy relationship your partner may have stress of ups snd downs or might get cranky but you are never the problem. An adult can handle his own needs and issues without taking them out on his wife and children.

If his nice parts were real—the real him—you wouldn’t have to deal with the Mr Hyde parts.

The thought of leaving does make you feel sick and that is okay - you might actually vomit, more than once, in the days and weeks after ending it. But you will survive that period of feeling sick, not being able to eat/sleep, unable to stop crying, an intense sense of panic and that should go back to immediately… because your nervous system will go into a complete panic where it feels that your very survival will be at risk if you don’t reunite with him - but that feeling is not reality.

Think about drug addicts and alcoholics in withdrawal and how much their mind and body tell them they need to go back to using - even when they are using something that is killing them and want to stop.

Expect those feelings. If you cut contact as much as you possibly can (and a man like that won’t make it easy, so be prepared for every type of manipulation in the book) then those physical symptoms should start to ease after around ten days, and you will be making decisions with a slightly clearer head.

You are going to need support though, from others who are grounded in reality and don’t have any interest in minimising his behaviour or encouraging you to get back with him. Give your local women’s support charity as call - you need to be meeting with a woman or other women on a regular basis, and its needs to be a woman who understands the cycle of abuse. Be careful with friends of family members who might take the “two sides to every story/I’m sure you two will sort it out” attitude.

Re: all the lovely things he has done, I believe you. No-one is all bad and I am sure he has some great qualities and good intentions. But the reality is what matters. If someone told you that their husband was “a great guy” but he punched them hard in the face once every couple of months, what would you think? Would you think the good in between made up for that? What if they it was only every six months? What about “only once a year”?! The relationship would still he ruined even he was wonderful on every other day.

And an abuser (emotional/verbal or physical) doesn’t need to be abusive all the time, as you have already been trained to behave a certain way and to watch his mood. There is a book about verbal abuse by Patricia Evans and you might find it a really helpful read.

If it’s any comfort to you, I read that book, realised what was happening and then stayed for another six years! Not because I am weak - and neither are you - but because I see the best in people and he promised to change, and I knew he grew up with terrible role models, and I saw that he “tried really hard to be a good person” and he had done such kind things for me, and so on. And I loved him, I really did. I thought if he could just relate to me differently our marriage would be great.

I didn’t realise though, until I left and was able to watch the manipulation for a distance, that he was actually completely mad. I had been living with it but I only saw the tip of the iceberg as I was permanently so confused by his behaviour. He had imagined all sorts of slights from me, even when I didn’t know what I done, so it actually started to make sense that he was sulking so frequently!

When you get through the worst of it and you start to have moments of peace, it will be worth it, but don’t underestimate the support you will need - tell some trusted friends the truth - if you don’t have many close friends left then get in touch with some old ones and start to rebuild the relationship . You don’t have to use the word abuse. Tell your health visitor that you are ending the relationship, when you see one - abuse often starts or escalates in pregnancy, they will be trained to understand this. If you decide to leave and go back for anyone go, so be it, you might have to do it several times before you are ready, and if confide in the right people they will understand this.

Bitingfrog’s post is very important.

So his anger issues are long standing, but your desire for kids meant that you've continued to have kids with him. And you love him.