Explosive rows with DH

[Fedupwitharguments]

Another week, another explosive row with my DH about something minor.

It was our anniversary today, and the only words we exchanged (aside from practical stuff about our kids) were him yelling at me for what he considers unreasonable behaviour (basically, me being upset at him for something I considered selfish but which he thought was fair. It was a small issue, but, as with many previous arguments, it has escalated into something horrible).

We are constantly failing to agree or emphathise with the other.

My DH does a lot - he's a great, hands-on dad, a thoughtful husband (most of the time) and works tirelessly (as well as helping around the house when he can/when I ask him to). But I do a lot, too (and I'm currently pregnant with our third child - we've always wanted three, and our other two are young - so things aren't smooth at the moment. It doesn't help that I'm a bit obsessive about keeping the house clean, keeping on top of the washing etc).

His job involves ridiculously early starts and a lot of pressure. I feel like his emotional punching bag - he constantly takes his stress and exhaustion out on me. We went on holiday recently and had a great week together. No arguments. But in everyday life, I'm walking on eggshells, thinking twice before saying anything that could annoy him. I also increasingly feel like our views on things differ. Although we live the same life in a lot of ways, our experiences (his, a stressful full-time job involving travel) and mine (home life with two young kids and a stressful part-time job) are different and we aren't seeing eye to eye anymore. It's a fairly new thing. I love my husband, my kids and my life. But these arguments are becoming so explosive, I'm worried they'll lead to divorce.

In the rows, we're both pretty stubborn. But while I have recently tried to 'draw a line' and move on from them, he insists I say 'sorry' first - which I won't do if I genuinely believe I'm not in the wrong. As the row/silence between us continues, he gets himself riled up and eventually ends up being quite verbally abusive. Today, he told me in a rage he needs a new wife not a new job - something he has yet to apologise for/take back - and that he resents me for how I am in arguments.

His anger issues - or so I consider them - have been a long-standing issue in our decade-plus relationship, and we have nearly broken up over them. He has said some pretty shocking things to me in the past - for example, calling me a stupid cow and silly b* - and he once called our toddler a stupid little t*t in a rage (just typing that conjures up an image of a man who doesn't look like my DH. He adores the kids, and is just not like that normally. But he is just horrible when angry). His dad apparently has a temper, too, and I'm worried about my kids witnessing/experiencing/inheriting (?) it. No-one has ever spoken to me like that before. I sometimes question why I've put up with it for this long.

We have had a huge argument every few weeks since the start of the year (I have started jotting them down as I've realised they're increasing). I don't know what to do. I desperately want our family unit to stay together and be happy - something we are most of the time. But these rows are awful. My hormones/exhaustion probably aren't helping, but he has zero understanding/empathy and rarely asks about how I'm feeling.

He is more concerned with the minor issues causing the rows, and my lack of apology for bringing them up/not appreciating him, but I'm worried about the escalation of them - the days we spend in silence, furious at each other.

Any advice/outsiders' perspectives appreciated. I'm tired so have possibly worded things badly. I won't be offended by any comments! x

Sorry for the late response, and thank you to you all for your replies. The below is what I desperately want, but he just gets riled up every time we sit down to discuss things. He also genuinely doesn’t think I’m right.

“You need to resolve the issues by finding out what’s really going on under the rows about petty things, really listening to each other and stop worrying so much about who’s right and wrong over a petty issue and start coming to those conversations as if you love the person you are talking to and want to resolve things.”

Re. Counselling - he would refuse to go and, tbh, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t know anyone personally who has had couples counselling, and have always considered it a last-ditch attempt to save a marriage that should really just break up. I know that is an unfair perspective - and that counselling helps some couples enormously - but I’d have to change my mindset on that.

Re. Abuse. He is definitely verbally abusive when he reaches the level of anger I’ve described. He is probably emotionally abusive when he refuses to speak to me because he feels I shouldn’t be upset, and when his reactions leave me walking on eggshells. However, I do agree with the posters who have flagged that people have flaws and bad/good sides. DH is extremely generous with money, he allowed me to pursue a dream of mine (separate from raising kids) while he worked, he rushes back from work when he can to spend time with the kids (there is no doubt at all he adores them), he shares many of the same values as me (including wanting to spend time with grandparents/extended family), and when he’s not stressed and I pick him up on stuff, he acknowledges it. From my perspective, it’s his ridiculous work hours/travel (and subsequent lack of sleep) - which have worsened in recent months - that are the root cause of his stress. This stress then fuels the long-time anger issues, which he’s never resolved. I’ve previously threatened to leave if he speaks to me ‘like that’ again - but obviously haven’t. I do feel weak for that. He clearly doesn’t care, or believe I’ll leave, enough to seek help for his anger.

Re. Financial situation - life would change if I left (and, as I’ve said before, I don’t want to leave regardless of finances). DH is a high earner. We own a big, detached house and are fortunate in many other ways. I have recently returned to a good - and flexible - job but in a notoriously low-paying industry. I couldn’t afford anywhere near this level of lifestyle (house, mainly - we’re not extravagant spenders in general) if we split.

Also - I think someone mentioned DH’s dad. He’s still with his mum, and is a lovely man in many ways. It is my DH who told me of his temper.

My own parents have a great relationship. My mum was actually more dominant than my dad - she snaps at him/blames him whenever she’s stressed (which he lets go over his head, though he will argue back if she says something totally unreasonable).

My DH and I have a turbulent past - we were young when we got together and broke up quite a few times in the early years. I do feel there’s probably some tension/resentment related to those years. Again, I’d be up for discussing that - but if I ever try to bring up the past, DH shuts me down (probably because he thinks I’m gonna fire a load of criticism at him for things he did back then).

I certainly get the worst of his anger, but I know he’s spoken to employees in a horrible way with very loaded words when stressed.

We haven’t spoken all day again. He’s just come in from work (surprisingly early), and the conversation went like this:

Him: ”I’ve found your glasses, the ones you were looking for.”
“Oh, thanks. I was about to take the kids to get some stuff for your mum coming tomorrow. Is there anything in particular you want?”
”No, just what we discussed the other day.”
(He goes into the kitchen. I follow him to get my purse).
Him: “Just fuck off. I don’t want to see you.”
”What?”
”Again, I’m in from work and you’re not thankful I found your glasses and you’re going on at me about my mum.”

Honeslty despairing right now. How can he possibly have interpreted me saying thanks for the glasses and telling him I’m getting food in for HIS mum as horrible (and an excuse to tell me to fuck off out of nowhere).

How am I supposed to talk to him like this?

No matter how stressed he is, that behaviour is completely uncalled for. You didn't do anything wrong. You thanked him for finding your glasses and asked him if he needed anything from the shops.

He is just looking for an excuse to lose his temper with you.

This isn't something that you can control by adjusting your behaviour as he will obviously pounce on anything you have said and twist it into you being the problem.

How are you supposed to talk to him
like this ?

You do not.

I urge you to seek legal advice on the quiet and start planning your exit from your abuser. He knows you’re pregnant and vulnerable.

He hates his mother, these types actually hate all women. And that is why he had a go at you re she.

This is no life for your kids either even if they are not in the same room when he kicks off. Just to be crystal clear I am not expecting you to leave within the next week or even month, your exit has to be planned carefully because your safety is of paramount importance. Your children also deserve an abuse free home life.

We all have flaws and pasts but not all men
choose to abuse their spouse like your h is doing. He is acting of his own free will here, no one is forcing him to do this to you. It’s his choice to do so. He is also not above bullying people below his level in the workplace either. Again it’s always everyone else’s fault, never his own.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. there must be something in it for you still otherwise you would not be there. You love him yes but that’s not enough.

You come across as thoroughly nice and empathetic which also unfortunately makes you ideal for a man like this with no empathy to get his claws into. You’re the boiling frog here and you now cannot unsee what you are now beginning to open your eyes to.

Your house looks nice and big on the outside but inside it is akin to a war zone because he has made it so. Material things count for bugger all if home life is both volatile and unstable.

If one of your friends or children as an adult came to you describing this as their marriage what would your counsel be?

And the nice and nasty cycle of abuse is indeed present. That is also a continuous one. Such men are not nasty all the time because if they were no-one would want to be with them. He gives you just enough crumbs currently to keep you hanging on in there. He likes keeping you like a puppet and with you eventually going on maternity leave he will be able to further ramp up the power and control.

Perhaps you still hope against your own experience to the contrary that he is going to change for good this time around and say sorry. Hope keeps you trapped.

if nothing else I have made you think. It’s your life ultimately and the ones who will cop it the most from their dad’s abuses of you (and in turn them; he’s also called them names) are your children.

If you are reluctant to identify him as “an abuser” then do some reading on emotional immaturity in adults. Dip your toe in the water. Go to Lundy Bancroft’s website and look at “Why Does He Do That” for more information.

What you are describing is a very particular kind of man: an easily overwhelmed, grudge holding, highly selfish and reactive man. Everything he does is to get comfort, admiration, thanks. He “loves” to “rush home” to the children because they are, for now, a source of narcissistic supply. He is holding a grudge against you, for reasons kniwn only to himself, because you ate failing to make him feel worshipped and admired every moment. Your occasional needs conflict with his constant need.

He is telling you directly that you can not lie flat enough, be worshipful or silent enough, to satisfy his ego needs. That is out in the open. What can you do? That id the only question left.

Yes - it’s also worth thinking about how that will change as the children develop and behave in ways normal for their ages and they don’t give him what he sees as sufficient admiration/attention/respect etc.. imagine a typical teenage girl, for example?

But I’m confident that you will be out by then OP as you are already seeing what you can’t unsee again, even if you can put it away in your mind during “good” times. You’ll get there, when you are ready. Just keep holding onto your reality though - like the interaction you just had, write it down straightaway and don’t let your reality be rewritten by someone who isn’t actually on your team, even if he pretends to be sometimes.

Op I think you need some independent counseling. This is not normal or acceptable behavior in a relationship. Regardless of it only happening at a certain level of anger, your husband is abusive. He is abusing you, he has been abusive to your child and he is not going to change.
You need to take a step back and get some help because this is not something that gets better. It only gets worse and both you and your children deserve better.

Reading the exchange with your DH it sounds like he doesn’t listen to what you say but just wants to explode. Has he any ability to introspect and see how unreasonable his reactions are?
Would he be able to tell you what exactly you were supposed to have said in this exchange? I mean if he has no ability to introspect and no will to adjust the relationship is doomed.

My DH sometimes comes back from work a ball of stress and he lets me know so I leave him alone to calm down. But he doesn’t blow the lid at me for it. Cause it’s not my fault something went wrong at his work. Your DH seems to use you as a punching bag. This is not OK. I feel for you because this is no way to live.

Him: ”I’ve found your glasses, the ones you were looking for.”

When I read this I "heard" him asking for appreciation and was offering an olive branch..however when he doesn't get it what he needs, he explodes and you are then if less likely to appreciate him.

The marriage will fail if this isn't resolved as no one can tolerate this living situation. I don't think he knows how to ask for what he wants (emotional needs) from you. If coming in from work is a trigger, what is it that he wants from you? i e attention and your appreciation?

How old are you both?

Another one voting that you ‘get your ducks in a row’ ready to leave. No one who can treat you like that loves you, no matter what stress they are under. Talk to your close family/friends - get support IRL.

We are mid-thirties. Middle-class backgrounds. Loving, supportive families. No divorces, so the idea of separation seems extreme. Together for more than a decade.

You will always be in.the wrong with this kind of man. He is determined that you will be.
WTF is that response?
My DH also has a very stressful job. Believe me, I know stress.He deals with it by taking long solitary walks. Occ by eating too much.

Also I just read the yelling at toddler bit..That is unacceptable.

They do deserve an abuse-free home life.

He doesn’t have empathy for my feelings. We have exchanged a few words tonight - nothing productive; he has now gone to bed - and he has pretty much said that I need to time my criticism of him/getting upset at him better because if I keep doing it on nights when he’s exhausted or stressed we’ll keep arguing. I did try to explain it’s not like I can choose when I get upset (if I could, I’d choose to never be sad!). I was also reminded of an incident that occurred when I was two weeks post-partum on a dog walk. He made a ‘joke’ (based on a minor disagreement we’d had earlier that day) in front of our friends that upset me so much I had to walk away, leaving him with our toddler and newborn. When he came back to the house and found me crying, his first reaction was to rant about how pathetic and selfish I’d been for leaving him with the two kids… not to check I was okay.

Re. The introspection comments - I have tried to break down things for him before.. get him to introspect and realise how unreasonable he was… but it has yet to work. He will occasionally apologise but only if he’s said something very obviously out of order (such as an insult or a dramatic, sweeping statement).

Feeling very down and mixed-up about everything. Also, the longer that passes since the row, the easier it is to play down in my mind - which is probably why we always make up (until the next time…). Which is why writing it all down here is very useful.

He hasn’t always been like this. The anger issues - yeah. But not the resentment towards me… the inability to reflect on his actions and acknowledge them/apologise… the lack of care when I’m upset.

Can relate to the eating too much when stressed! The chocolate wrapper next to me backs that up.

He is abusive, but sadly you can't see it because you're in the thick of it
He is making you think you're to blame for his appalling behaviour, by implying that you deserved it because he was tired! He expects you to to time your "moments" to talk to him when he's not tired, otherwise you can expect that abusive treatment from him again, and again.
You are literally tying yourself up in knots trying to figure out how you deserved his backlash. What he is asking you to do is IMPOSSIBLE. It's literally like saying "I hit you because you nagged me when I was tired". "Do it again, and I'll hit you again".
It's a different type of abuse, but it's abuse all the same!

Please see this for what it is
Life will be better without him. I promise.

He sounds like a real winner, OP. Hold onto him for dear life.

You’re deluding yourself OP. He’s not a great dad, he’s a nasty, abusive man who shouldn’t be around children.

Please talk to a counsellor.

I wouldn’t even know how to go about doing this. Plus, I would have to get DH (!) or grandparents to babysit while I did, unless I went on a work day.

Yes - it’s also worth thinking about how that will change as the children develop and behave in ways normal for their ages and they don’t give him what he sees as sufficient admiration/attention/respect etc.. imagine a typical teenage girl, for example?

This is very true.I had rather a controlling, disciplinarian father who could fly a temper at times.
He was actually when I was a child a playful, involved and doting father in many ways.
When I was a teenager and didn't do what I was told/behave cutely/had my own opinions etc anymore things changed.
After he died I found a card I had given him when i was little which said i loved him or you're the best dad or something similar.
It had a post it note on which he had clearly written when i was older saying 'those were the days' and that summed it up really.....he rejected and criticised me when I got older as I wasn't passive towards him anymore....I pulled away as I saw the flaws in our relationship and he never accepted any of his wrongdoings or shortcomings.
But my mum always was always too passive and enabling with him unfortunately and we have only really become alot closer since he passed away as he did sometimes get inbetween us and she often made excuses for him.

Things do get worse with controlling fathers as children get older and less 'controllable' 'fearful' and 'malleable'