Explosive rows with DH

[Fedupwitharguments]

Another week, another explosive row with my DH about something minor.

It was our anniversary today, and the only words we exchanged (aside from practical stuff about our kids) were him yelling at me for what he considers unreasonable behaviour (basically, me being upset at him for something I considered selfish but which he thought was fair. It was a small issue, but, as with many previous arguments, it has escalated into something horrible).

We are constantly failing to agree or emphathise with the other.

My DH does a lot - he's a great, hands-on dad, a thoughtful husband (most of the time) and works tirelessly (as well as helping around the house when he can/when I ask him to). But I do a lot, too (and I'm currently pregnant with our third child - we've always wanted three, and our other two are young - so things aren't smooth at the moment. It doesn't help that I'm a bit obsessive about keeping the house clean, keeping on top of the washing etc).

His job involves ridiculously early starts and a lot of pressure. I feel like his emotional punching bag - he constantly takes his stress and exhaustion out on me. We went on holiday recently and had a great week together. No arguments. But in everyday life, I'm walking on eggshells, thinking twice before saying anything that could annoy him. I also increasingly feel like our views on things differ. Although we live the same life in a lot of ways, our experiences (his, a stressful full-time job involving travel) and mine (home life with two young kids and a stressful part-time job) are different and we aren't seeing eye to eye anymore. It's a fairly new thing. I love my husband, my kids and my life. But these arguments are becoming so explosive, I'm worried they'll lead to divorce.

In the rows, we're both pretty stubborn. But while I have recently tried to 'draw a line' and move on from them, he insists I say 'sorry' first - which I won't do if I genuinely believe I'm not in the wrong. As the row/silence between us continues, he gets himself riled up and eventually ends up being quite verbally abusive. Today, he told me in a rage he needs a new wife not a new job - something he has yet to apologise for/take back - and that he resents me for how I am in arguments.

His anger issues - or so I consider them - have been a long-standing issue in our decade-plus relationship, and we have nearly broken up over them. He has said some pretty shocking things to me in the past - for example, calling me a stupid cow and silly b* - and he once called our toddler a stupid little t*t in a rage (just typing that conjures up an image of a man who doesn't look like my DH. He adores the kids, and is just not like that normally. But he is just horrible when angry). His dad apparently has a temper, too, and I'm worried about my kids witnessing/experiencing/inheriting (?) it. No-one has ever spoken to me like that before. I sometimes question why I've put up with it for this long.

We have had a huge argument every few weeks since the start of the year (I have started jotting them down as I've realised they're increasing). I don't know what to do. I desperately want our family unit to stay together and be happy - something we are most of the time. But these rows are awful. My hormones/exhaustion probably aren't helping, but he has zero understanding/empathy and rarely asks about how I'm feeling.

He is more concerned with the minor issues causing the rows, and my lack of apology for bringing them up/not appreciating him, but I'm worried about the escalation of them - the days we spend in silence, furious at each other.

Any advice/outsiders' perspectives appreciated. I'm tired so have possibly worded things badly. I won't be offended by any comments! x

you seem to be repeating your relationship with your father Sometimes it’s only through talking about this stuff that we can get to these realisations and begin to peel back the ‘loving middle class upbringing’ myths we’ve created to protect ourselves. At least you are beginning to see it now. It took me two abusive relationships and reaching 55 to realise that it was all due to how my father treated my mother (who was also in the ‘middle class’ trap of believing the lifestyle was worth the pain).

I got away from the abuse 25 years ago, met a decent bloke but now at 55 all kinds of stuff has surfaced so I’m in counselling for it. Sadly because I hung about in an abusive situation until my child was 8, he is now having therapy in his 30’s to deal with all the issues that abuse caused (which sounds identical to what you describe. Ie they are basically ok as long as you can massage their ego and be their supply. The minute you reduce that they start behaving badly. )
understand you won’t go now as too vulnerable but use this time to educate yourself about narcissistic abuse, its long term effect on children, and get your ducks in a row in terms of earning power, retraining and so on as the kids won’t be needing this much of you forever. Don’t end up like my mother feeling she is too old to leave as she doesn’t have long left. Good luck.

If you afford to go private many people work remotely so as long as you can get 45 mins to yourself it’s doable. You can always ‘get in to running’ - perfect excuse. Go to the BACP website for a list of registered counsellors.

I think you are in complete denial about who your husband is.

His anger issues - or so I consider them - have been a long-standing issue in our decade-plus relationship, and we have nearly broken up over them. He has said some pretty shocking things to me in the past - for example, calling me a stupid cow and silly b - and he once called our toddler a stupid little tt in a rage

Thus who he is and always has been. He will continue to treat you worse and worse as he knows you won't leave.

@Fedupwitharguments this is a genuinely awful thread to read. He is so abusive, and I’m not sure you quite see it yet.

So pleased you got out.

My father is and was lovely (smacking, aside - but that was very normalised back then). If he was awful to my mum, I certainly didn’t see it - though there were arguments, of course. It was my FIL who apparently has the same temper as DH (although I have not witnessed this full-blown anger myself). x

I know he is abusive when he has reached that level of anger, but you are probably right in that I’m downplaying it/not fully seeing it for what it is. His argument is that he has improved at controlling his temper over the years, and contains it 99% of the times that he feels it coming up. He has never hit, but obviously words/tone/face contorted in a rage while he thrusts his finger towards me can be very painful and have long-term effects.

I would definitely suggest trying to get some counselling support if you can. Wonder if a charity like women’s aid is worth contacting?

My last ex before my husband could be very argumentative and things could develop quickly. He brought it the worst in me too as I refused to back down if I was right, though I still would be uncomfortable with doing that.

You both found like you are very unhappy.

This man has been verbally and angrily abusive to you throughout your relationship. This anger isn’t new. He’s also verbally abused your children in the past and he will do that again. You tread on eggshells because you are used to his anger and try to avoid it. So will your children.

He rushes home to see them now as they are small and adore their dad like most children. He’s going to hate it as they grow up and start questioning him.

Staying with someone because of your nice detached house is not a good enough reason to allow your children to be exposed to more verbal abuse.

You can find a counsellor online and do online sessions.

Start looking into divorce. See a solicitor on the quiet. Find out what it will look like financially. He’s the type of man who will absolutely fight you all the way with a financial settlement, but he will have to pay maintenance. He won’t be able to do 50:50 with his work hours.

Even if he did, it’s best the children spend at least 50% of their time without witnessing or receiving verbal abuse.

BTW you were supposed to fawn all over him with the glasses. My bet he hid them in the first place.

💐

This is horrible. I’m not sure this can be fixed. A 3rd baby is going to make life even more stressful / crazy. I don’t think a nice big house is worth this drama.

I agree with biting frog. He's verbally abusing you whilst your pregnant with your third child?

And has called one of your toddlers a twat?

He's not a good man, husband or father.

Don't go to therapy with an abusive man.

Could he be having an affair? Many men becaome awful to their partners when they're cheating out of guilt, resentment etc.

I’d also say affair. Will he behave himself around his mum today? What’s your relationship with her like? Would she stand by and allow him to be off with you, or would she say something? DM would pull my brother up if he was ever off with his DW, MIL conversely would not have a word said against DH, even in the face of evidence he was wrong. Could your MIL be an ally here?

He has never hit
Yet
My dad was like.your DH, always angry, always someone else's fault. Horrendous arguments with my mum, she finally left when I was about 16 because he pulled a load.of her hair out and chucked her down the stairs

If one of your children had written this thread about their spouse/partner, OP, what would you want them to do? Would you think this was behaviour they should just accept, or that they deserve?

Sorry but from reading I see it as both of you reacting badly. Yes it's hard with little ones we have 3 under 3 but we don't shout argue etc. Communicate normally, be on the same page, chat together once there in bed. My hubby also works long hours and you have to remember that's also extremely hard plus coming home to little ones who mostly will be smiles and maybe once a week he will come into a crying overtired war zone haha. Keeping everything super tidy clean etc isn't really a top priority. I used to be a clean freak but for now it waits until there in bed or for another time. Generally clean is good for me now as would rather spend time with little ones or hubby. Can honestly say of you have a solid foundation with communication,love, understanding etc before kids then it flows thru when they come

You definitely both need to go to couples counselling. Separately your DH needs to see someone about his anger which seems extreme

Learning to argue 'well' is probably the most underrated skill in any long term relationship. My DH and I were pretty dreadful at it in the early years but now much better. It comes down to trust, respect and listening.

We know that we love each other and although we are disagreeing about something we are still decent, kind people. It's become more about listening and empathy. We might still disagree but at least we know where the other person is coming from. We also admit if we got something wrong and get over it pretty quickly. This has come after years of being entrenched and stubborn and 'needing to be right' all the time.

Of course we still have the odd blazing row but they hardly ever happen. We're human.

DO NOT go to counselling with an abusive partner!!! Ever.

Read back posts from @AttilaTheMeerkat if you're even thinking about it.

@AMurderofMurderingCrows I didn't say that.
None of us know OP or her DP.
Sounds like he has a temper issue - not just with OP.
She's admitted that she is stubborn.
I have suggested they seek professional help as they both need to communicate better.

We do not have to know these people directly to know that abuse cuts across all classes and creeds. It is no respecter of people.

These types of men like to be right all the time. Her response to he finding her spectacles was not fawning enough so he got angry at her. You read their exchanges; he is manufacturing their argument and in addition he could do that in an empty room. His own father has/had a temper too so I would think OPs H is very much a product of his own upbringing.

Do you think that such a man would sit in a room with a therapist?. No and OP has stated as much too. Why would he when he would be told by said person that his treatment of OP is wrong.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; it's about power and control. OP has no real amount of power and control in this relationship and he has it all. He has not hit her but it's a small step between verbal abuse and physical. He could well decide to up the power and control against OP if he feels the current levels are not sufficient enough to keep her and the kids in line.

I am with Attila on this. Believe me, my toddler was hell and drove both of us to fury sometimes. Toddlers can push all your buttons.
But we never expressed this frustration at him. We walked away, went to the loo for a break, got a cold drink... anything but don't shout abuse at small children.

Swearing at your wife or children is deeply abusive.

And anger management courses are no answer to domestic abuse which is what is being described here.

He has a problem with anger, HER anger, when she rightly calls him out on his behaviour.

Re their exchange re OPs glasses (it would not surprise me if he had hidden those) there are also elements here of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim, offender). He is the king of DARVO.

Thank you. Apologies, I realise I was actually replying to another poster and mixing the two together.

I will say though that I also thought of my dad as lovely because he was when everything was going his way. Any negative stuff I took as normal as of course you would do with nothing else to compare it to.

Abuse in a relationship has many different faces. It’s never as simple as whether someone loses their temper etc. no one is perfect. It’s how you respond to and deal with it in your relationship that’s key.

it was only once I had a normal supportive partner I was, after a number of years, able to see the dysfunction growing up and in my previous relationships.

in my view the worst type of abuse is narcissistic as it’s so cleverly hidden and hard prove as there tends to be no or little physical violence.

this was my ex. Very clever, charming at a surface level and a genius at manipulation. He fooled everyone, including me who’d managed to convince herself that everything was fine, despite the parade of red flags marching by.

the issues didn’t really become apparent until after I had my child, when of course I could no longer provide the supply he needed.

i had to go ‘grey rock’ with him afterwards and all contact was via my sister (although I found out years later that he’d still managed to manipulate her in various ways that would leave you frankly speechless).

All said and done, if you are not happy and he refuses to get any help for his temper (assuming that’s all this is, only you can decide that) then you need to educate yourself and start protecting your own interests as you can be sure he isn’t protecting yours as well as you think he is.

“Walking on eggshells?” You’re in an abusive marriage and you don’t even realise it!

Please ignore the women posting that it is a communication problem that you have to solve. Anger problems—especially male anger in domestic settings—is the man’s problem to be solving. He must be horrified, regretful, and willing to do individual counseling to solve his problem. He must do this humbly, consistently, and with 100 percent results—not be satisfied with “better than I used to be”

Male anger at women kills. Literally kills. At a metaphorical level it also causes spiritual and emotional death to woman and children.

He definitely didn’t hide them (I remember leaving them in his car on the way to a hospital scan) and he wouldn’t have reacted like that if we weren’t already mid-row. Not that I’m making excuses for him - the verbal abuse and temper are obviously out of order and reacting like he did in any situation, even during an argument, is unreasonable.

Re. The posters who mentioned an affair - I’d be shocked and heartbroken if he was having one. I don’t believe he is for many reasons, but I do believe anyone is capable of having one so I can’t deny there is a slight chance.