Should I visit Dad on his death bed?

[Watdaheck]

My Dad is a short while away from the end of his life and I really feel I do not want to visit.

Growing up he provided well for the family financially but emotionally I got nothing from him. I was Mums favourite I think and I wonder if this had anything to do with it.

At 20 I moved 400 miles away and whilst I went to visit periodically he never had anything to say to me and never tried to cultivate a relationship with me. I would pretty much say my siblings felt the same or similar but whilst he could be purposely hurtful to me, he never was to them

Even when I rang home as an adult, if he answered the phone and realised it was me he would hand the phone straight to Mum, no enquiry how me or mine were.

after Mum died I tried harder with our relationship but receiving nothing back meant I stopped trying. I last visited 3 years ago out of obligation and after a 12 hour round trip I got almost nothing back but a few harsh words.

i say all this not to paint him as a bad father but to explain the almost ‘nothingness’ of the relationship. I’ve now heard he’s days away from death and apparently I should visit according to my siblings ( we’re all in our 60s btw)

if I don’t go ( which I really feel I don’t want to) will I regret it?

I think you should go even if just to stop it becoming something siblings are upset by.

Don’t go unless you want the shared experience with your siblings.

I wouldnt go unless you want to say goodbye.

I also think you should go.

I do understand what you are saying about your relationship with your father, but I think that many years back it was the way that men were brought up, not to show emotion and that their role was just to provide financially. Must have been difficult if you felt your siblings were being treated differently though. I would still go.

Is he conscious OP?

I would go because I think you're more likely to regret not going than regret going iyswim. You may feel a sense of closure from it?

Im really sorry, this sounds so tough. Like others have said, do you have a relationship with your siblings you want to protect? If so, possibly do it for them and to save yourself bother down the line. Don’t go if you gain nothing from it though, it sounds like you have tried and if it’s going to cause you pain then it’s not worth it.

I would go because your siblings need you too and if you don’t you may regret it in the future. The fact you are even asking means that you could regret it I suppose im saying (you wouldn’t ask if you didn’t care)

Do you still live so far away? maybe take your time getting there so it doesn't cause any upset to your siblings, I probably wouldn't go in your situation i don't think it would help you or give you any comfort or closure.

I wouldn’t go, you don’t want to, so don’t. I think the suggestions you should go because of your siblings is ridiculous. You are in your 60s, be confident in your decision here, don’t go to please others.

I would go. Parents are people; some of them aren't very nice or very good at being parents but they are still our parents. You mention he provided for your family so he enabled your Mother (presumably) to focus on being the primary carer. So in that sense he has had a positive impact on your life.

I would go and say goodbye. I don't think you would regret it.

You don’t need to go at all OP. You didn’t have a relationship with him. Yes he’s your dad but from what you’ve posted, he’s made no effort with you and doesn’t care. You owe him nothing.

I’m pretty much NC with mine and this will be me in the not so distant future, but I won’t be going to visit.

Don’t be pressured to go just because you feel you should or it’s some how your duty. He hasn’t been part of your life for a long time and he’s to blame for that, so what’s the point now.

I would visit.

you May not get a lot out of it, you may get some sort of closure. Either way you’ll probably regret it in a few years looking back, if you don’t.

No I wouldn[t and didn[t. I sent a kind message though, saying he was a good father, I was grateful fot all he did and I loved him.

He was glad for the message but glad I didn[t go also (apparently).
I do not feel bad at all. I was in your exact situation.

I would go. He sounds very typical of a lot of men of his generation. It's sad for him and for you that he was probably raised to leave the parenting to the mothers, and that he never managed to get beyond that. But I think it might hit you in grief that sometimes our parents haven't been who we needed and that it's sad for them as well as for us. From your post, he doesn't sound like a bad man, just inept.

I’ll be blunt: if a relationship with your father wasn’t there for the whole of your life, one won’t materialise in his final hours or days. That said, sometimes we can be stunned by just how much baggage is left for us to unpack once a parent is gone, particularly if and when we felt we got very little from them. Would it help you settle your head and heart to know you’d seen him and said a version of what you’ve said here: thanks for being a provider for the family; I wish we had known one another better? It’s your right to do what’s best for you.

I wouldn't. You don't have a relationship with him and like other posters have said, you owe him nothing.

I think you should go. Even if you think I was pointless you are more likely to regret not going. Head up high and go and say goodbye safe in the knowledge you have always done all you could

I would go. Parents are people; some of them aren't very nice or very good at being parents but they are still our parents

I know you mean well, but I couldn’t disagree more with this. My dad was abusive, both physically and emotionally (though physically to my siblings, I was the ‘lucky’ one as he didn’t whack me)

He’s been nothing but a selfish cu*t his whole life and put himself first. He’s a narcissist, thieving, bullying, manipulative, horrible man so I don’t feel I owe him a thing, regardless of whether he’s ’still my parent’.

I had this very recently with an elderly ill parent I had been estranged from for a number of years. Several family members/family friends pressured me to visit insisting this person missed me, was very sad I stayed away and so. So I visited. They were conscious and couldn't have made it any more obvious that they were not remotely bothered about seeing me and were beyond delighted to see the other person I visited with. It was just an opportunity to emphasize that I meant no more to them than the shit on their shoes. I was pretty sure this would happen and could kick myself for not being more assertive.

I wouldn't (and didn't). I had a similar lack of relationship with my parent, they died last year and I don't have any regrets about not doing a death-bed visit. But I didn't have siblings pressing me to do so, so it was probably an easier decision for me.

I am in a similar, but less immediate, position with my father.

I know for certain that no matter what I do, I will regret something about it. If I go, I will regret giving him the chance to be nasty to me again, and to show how far down the family pecking order I am. I will regret giving him one last chance to repeat a lifelong pattern. If I don't go, then I will regret not giving him one last chance. I will probably convince myself that a miracle would have occurred and we would have had meaningful and loving time together.

I almost certainly won't go, because this miracle has failed to materialise over the past 52 years, and I am low enough on funds to genuinely resent the expenditure of the best part of £1000 to give him one last chance to hurt me (he lives a very long way from me and flying would be the only realistic option).

I removed myself and cut contact with a large portion of my family a long time ago (for good reason) and this has come up a few times now. I never go, would be fake of me as I have nothing nice to say to them. I ignore any begging and other attempts at manipulation and continue pretending they don’t exist.

I don’t have any regrets, I don’t think anything of it now that they’re dead.

I am NC with my mother for very good reasons and have no intention of visiting her on her death bed. The only reason I would even consider it is if my siblings desperately wanted me to / were distressed at me not going. Then I’d consider doing it for them. But even then id lean towards not going.

@Watdaheck I think the fact you are asking on here, suggests that you MAY regret not going now, but after he has gone when it is too late to do anything about it.

I may be reading things wrong, but I'm getting the vibes that you are angry with him because he wasn't there for you all these years ( that's OK if you are) and that not going to see him now is a way of getting back at him for being a 'useless' Father.

The opposite of Love is not hate/anger - it is indifference. So if you ARE feeling angry with him rather than you don't care, my opinion is that you should think very carefully about going to visit him and how you might feel later, maybe much later, long after he has gone?

I say this as someone who had a similar dilemma, although different in a number of ways too - so I do understand how difficult it can be. Just be sure that you can live with your decision. Neither one is wrong, by the way, in my opinion. It just needs to be the right one for you. I made the right decision for me and haven't regretted it for a minute: I didn't rush to see them. But I had seen a lot of the person concerned in their last few years and they were a very difficult person.