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Original poster

Should I visit Dad on his death bed?

68 replies

Watdaheck · 19/06/2025 11:22

My Dad is a short while away from the end of his life and I really feel I do not want to visit.

Growing up he provided well for the family financially but emotionally I got nothing from him. I was Mums favourite I think and I wonder if this had anything to do with it.

At 20 I moved 400 miles away and whilst I went to visit periodically he never had anything to say to me and never tried to cultivate a relationship with me. I would pretty much say my siblings felt the same or similar but whilst he could be purposely hurtful to me, he never was to them

Even when I rang home as an adult, if he answered the phone and realised it was me he would hand the phone straight to Mum, no enquiry how me or mine were.

after Mum died I tried harder with our relationship but receiving nothing back meant I stopped trying. I last visited 3 years ago out of obligation and after a 12 hour round trip I got almost nothing back but a few harsh words.

i say all this not to paint him as a bad father but to explain the almost ‘nothingness’ of the relationship. I’ve now heard he’s days away from death and apparently I should visit according to my siblings ( we’re all in our 60s btw)

if I don’t go ( which I really feel I don’t want to) will I regret it?

OP posts:
Peggysue14 · 19/06/2025 12:05

I didn’t go to see my Father when he was dying and have no regrets about it. He made my childhood an absolute misery and threw me out of the family home when I was 18. I think that people who have had normal upbringings find it very hard to imagine what it’s like to grow up in a dysfunctional household.

Ihavepaidalotforthisstory · 19/06/2025 12:06

You don't want to go, so don't. You don't need to and are not obliged.

LemondrizzleShark · 19/06/2025 12:06

If your siblings are there, I would go (in much the same way that I would go if your sibling’s spouse or child was at death’s door, to support my sibling)

If they aren’t currently there but have done a brief duty visit and think you ought to do one too, then no I wouldn’t bother.

Sunnyduvet · 19/06/2025 12:06

Yes you should go. Your feelings about all of this may change as you get older and you may regret. Sorry for yiur sad situation x

ResidentPorker · 19/06/2025 12:09

I’d go. You’re more likely to regret not going than going, especially if it hurts your siblings and your relationship with them deteriorates.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/06/2025 12:11

Defo don’t go out of guilt etc. You say you don’t want to, so don’t. I wouldn’t if it was me.

CaptainSevenofNine · 19/06/2025 12:12

Lived this with a sibling recently. I tried to get her to come and see our Dad before he died. She chose not to and regrets it now.

franke · 19/06/2025 12:13

I didn't go and I don't regret it. But I was estranged for a long time from my father. My siblings didnt pressure me. One asked if I would consider going and I gave a very clear explanation as to why I wouldn't. I have three siblings - two understood my position, one less so but it hasn't ruined our relationship.

It seems your main point to consider here is not seeing your father but rather if your sibling relationships will be affected going forward depending on your decision and how much this matters to you. I'm sorry you're in this position and wish you all the best.

NautilusLionfish · 19/06/2025 12:19

It's difficult that your parents picked and vhose. You say you were your mum's favourite..I wonder how your siblings dealt with that. But you don't have to go. Do what you know will be best for you emotionally. A balance between what you can̈ live with and what will "settle" you.

StillCreatingAName · 19/06/2025 12:19

If siblings retreat based on whether you go or not go, I’d say you have no place in your life for them either. I’m in a similar situation as several PPs here and I did change my mind at the last minute, but more for my own child if that makes sense, I felt I needed to be the one to demonstrate that we’re all human. Of course, I was rejected again once there and they couldn’t have cared less if I came to say goodbye. I now know what to do when it’s the other parent. OP- do what feels right for you, everyone deals with grief in the long term differently, personally I don’t think a visit on their deathbed will in any way change your feelings about them after they’ve gone, but I’m basing that on my own experience.

rwalker · 19/06/2025 12:24

Absolutely go my dad wasn’t the best too long to go into
i was with him for the last week of his life looking after him it was me who found him dead
longest I’d spent with him for years and ironically I wasn’t the favourite he had zero interest in me
it was liberating I felt no need for any grand gestures of affection and let’s make up for lost time
but faults and all he was my dad it drew a line under everything years of resentment and bitterness disappeared I’m so glad I did it

it’s not a grand reconciliation it’s saying goodbye to someone good and bad has been in your life

FutureCatMum · 19/06/2025 12:24

You’re under no obligation to go. If he did little throughout your life you don’t owe him anything now.
You’re not likely to get a deathbed apology and it’ll be needlessly difficult for you. If it’s more difficult than beneficial then don’t go.

I have a similar relative and I won’t be at their deathbed. However I am close to one of my siblings and when this relative eventually dies it’ll be difficult for them. The only way I’d be anywhere near the inevitable charade would be to support my sibling because I do have a good relationship with them. They won’t expect me to say goodbye but they will need me afterwards.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2025 12:24

I would not go and you owe him
nothing least of all a relationship here.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

HelenCurlyBrown · 19/06/2025 12:27

I wouldn’t go. You weren’t close, you don’t want to, it’s miles away. What is the point?

If your siblings want to see him, that’s their choice and they absolutely should not impose their choices on you.

I sat with my dad at the end of his life. He was a wonderful dad but I’d have preferred to be anywhere but there. He was asleep (or unconscious). It brought me no comfort and he didn’t even know I was there.

theemmadilemma · 19/06/2025 12:27

You don’t have to go.

It’s easy to say go if you’ve not been on your position. I didn’t have a relationship with my father. I chose not to go, I do not regret it. And I’m now 50 with over 20 years to consider any possible regret. Still none.

DPotter · 19/06/2025 12:34

Much of what people do around the time of death of a relative / loved one is for the sake of those who will go on living - that includes your sibs and yourself.

Go for the sake of your sibs - if you value your relationships with them. You also may get some closure at a later date. But the main thing would be to support your sibs.

The time you spend with your Dad doesn't have to be long - a few minutes, maybe a few words. Like Hi Dad it's me Watdeheck, kiss on the cheek and then go. If challenged on why so short - it's too distressing, I'm staying here, but can't be there to watch Dad die.

Yogabearmous · 19/06/2025 12:37

Bufftailed · 19/06/2025 11:53

I think you should go. Even if you think I was pointless you are more likely to regret not going. Head up high and go and say goodbye safe in the knowledge you have always done all you could

This.
it will close the door on this period of your life and help you move on. Even at the end, you did your best as a daughter.

Icanttakethisanymore · 19/06/2025 12:37

PITCHpink · 19/06/2025 11:54

I would go. Parents are people; some of them aren't very nice or very good at being parents but they are still our parents

I know you mean well, but I couldn’t disagree more with this. My dad was abusive, both physically and emotionally (though physically to my siblings, I was the ‘lucky’ one as he didn’t whack me)

He’s been nothing but a selfish cu*t his whole life and put himself first. He’s a narcissist, thieving, bullying, manipulative, horrible man so I don’t feel I owe him a thing, regardless of whether he’s ’still my parent’.

Show quote history

I don't think I really meant it like the OP owes her Dad anything to be honest. I suppose I was projecting my own experience, which is that I didn't have a very good Dad. He wasn't violent, he didn't do anything terrible (so obviously a very different situation to your own) but I wanted to be there for him at the end of his life. Because although he wasn't a good Dad, it wasn't all bad (again why I mentioned the potential positive impact he had on the OPs life aside from their direct relationship).

I didn't mean to suggest that our parents can do anything to us and get a pass because they are our parents; I am sorry if it came across that way.

Allergycream · 19/06/2025 12:38

Its up to you op something must be in the back of you mind wantng to go or you would not be thinking about it..
I however wont be going to either of my parents bed sides or send offs.

GreyCarpet · 19/06/2025 12:39

I've been estranged from my mother for 13 years and I believe she is still alive. I wouldn't go and see her but then I'm not sure anyone would tell me. But my only sibling wouldn't go either.

I agree that people who don't know what's it like won't have the same understanding. Ultimately, it's up to you

languedoc1 · 19/06/2025 12:41

Of course you should go. What kind of question is that even? Has the world gone mad?! When I read the headline, I thought he was some kind of horrible abuser... He is your Dad. Not everybody is able to show off their love for people or emotions, some people are very restrained. I'm sure he has tried to show you love in other ways, like you've said, he was a provider financially - maybe that's what he was only able to do, be a traditional kind of man/dad.
My father was an alcoholic and he basically killed himself with vodka, but when I went to say goodbye when he was dying in the hospital, I tried to remember only good things about him - and there were so many, before he started drinking.
I'm sure your Dad loved you immensely, he just couldn't express it.

NoHope4BobHope · 19/06/2025 12:42

I would go, for your own peace rather than your Dads.

My DGD had a relationship like this with my uncle (his son), in our case there was several reasons, my DGD is very stubborn and once scorned it takes a lot to repair that relationship no matter how small the original issue was. I also suspect he has strong ND traits. Uncle would often comment that he believed my grandad hated him, it was really sad and you could understand why he thought this. Unfortunately Uncle passed away last year unexpectedly in his sleep. This affected DGD very badly and he has grieved the hardest out of everyone. He often talks about how much regret he has that his son died thinking his own father hated him. On a brighter note, it has made him realise how he has awful his behaviour/attitude towards people can be at times.

Pemba · 19/06/2025 12:48

languedoc1 · 19/06/2025 12:41

Of course you should go. What kind of question is that even? Has the world gone mad?! When I read the headline, I thought he was some kind of horrible abuser... He is your Dad. Not everybody is able to show off their love for people or emotions, some people are very restrained. I'm sure he has tried to show you love in other ways, like you've said, he was a provider financially - maybe that's what he was only able to do, be a traditional kind of man/dad.
My father was an alcoholic and he basically killed himself with vodka, but when I went to say goodbye when he was dying in the hospital, I tried to remember only good things about him - and there were so many, before he started drinking.
I'm sure your Dad loved you immensely, he just couldn't express it.

Your dad and the OP's dad were different people. Shocking I know. How can you be 'sure that her dad loved her immensely'. You actually have no idea.

Don't project your own situation on to hers, as it comes over as smug and judgemental.

Sandy420 · 19/06/2025 12:50

I had a similar relationship with my dad OP. I didn't go and 5 years later i have zero regrets.

The idea that dad's 'must' have loved you in his own way is just nonsense to me. And you do not have to be the 'best' daughter you could have when he made absolutely no effort whatsoever.

I think you feel pressured by your siblings, not that you want to go. Do what's right for you as they have done what they think is right for them. It's not up to them to decide what's best for you.

didgeridid · 19/06/2025 12:53

Think about if you would regret seeing him more than not seeing him. I don't think there is a right answer but don't let anyone sway your decision. I'm sorry you are going through this