Should I visit Dad on his death bed?

[Watdaheck]

My Dad is a short while away from the end of his life and I really feel I do not want to visit.

Growing up he provided well for the family financially but emotionally I got nothing from him. I was Mums favourite I think and I wonder if this had anything to do with it.

At 20 I moved 400 miles away and whilst I went to visit periodically he never had anything to say to me and never tried to cultivate a relationship with me. I would pretty much say my siblings felt the same or similar but whilst he could be purposely hurtful to me, he never was to them

Even when I rang home as an adult, if he answered the phone and realised it was me he would hand the phone straight to Mum, no enquiry how me or mine were.

after Mum died I tried harder with our relationship but receiving nothing back meant I stopped trying. I last visited 3 years ago out of obligation and after a 12 hour round trip I got almost nothing back but a few harsh words.

i say all this not to paint him as a bad father but to explain the almost ‘nothingness’ of the relationship. I’ve now heard he’s days away from death and apparently I should visit according to my siblings ( we’re all in our 60s btw)

if I don’t go ( which I really feel I don’t want to) will I regret it?

I don’t agree with this approach. OP should only go for her and her alone if that’s what she decides to to. This is about her and no one else.

OP I had a very fractious/non relationship with my father. I found out one evening last July he was dying and I made the decision to dash there, however I missed his passing by 15 minutes which I regret. The decision to go was purely about me and no one else. This sounds quite callous but it wasn’t about him - it was entirely about me and my feelings and I felt if I didn’t go it would be detrimental to me and my mental health. Although I missed him I’m glad I tried and I was able to say my goodbyes (something along the lines of ‘you bloody selfish bugger- you could have hung on another 15 minutes’.

no one but you can decide what you should do or if you will regret it if you don’t go, but you should do what’s right for you

I am v v v low contact with my Dad. We still exchange “occasion” cards but haven’t seen or spoken to him for 18 years.
He wasn’t mean like your Dad, but thoughtless and emotionally retarded
He was a shit parent, (they both were) and I’ve often thought about burying the hatchet and meeting up with him but I don’t know what I’ll gain from it .. I deffo don’t think I’d go if I heard he was on his death bed … nothing to be gained at that stage IMO - that ship has sailed. He’d be dead and I’d be left with all the confusing thoughts feelings.
I wouldn’t go OP

I’d go. Otherwise you may regret it and his influence will just continue to impact you in another way. Use it as a time to consolidate friendships with your siblings.

Having read it through my opinion is that if you are on good terms with your siblings, go to catch up and bond with them.

Different because we didn't have any negative issues with mum, and depends on what your family is like though. When my mother was dying, the 6 of us had the funniest most amusing lunch together ever, telling funny family stories!

Regarding "you'll regret if if you don't", if that is your own thought, fair enough. However, I think it is a really horrible form of bullying for people to say this at a difficult time. What's to regret by not seeing him; could still upset you greatly.

Different story but I fell for You'll Regret it if you Don't after my mum died, only this applied to going to see her in the funeral parlour, There was no bit of me that wanted to go but the pressure made if feel almost as if i was letting mum down, or didn't care, if I didn't go. I went and really, really with I hadn't. Nothing grim, I just wish i hadn't and it certainly didn't help.

This sounds like a really difficult decision to make.
What would you hope to gain or avoid by going / not going? Would you go for your siblings sake? Would you feel able to go out of obligation given he’s about to die? I fully understand that your relationship was very emotionally distant and hurtful. It’s a tough situation, OP. My thoughts are with you.

I didn't go, but my Dad died during Covid, in hospital, during lockdown. Mum and I were finally allowed to go and see him to say goodbye when it looked like he was 48 hours from the end, but my Mum didn't want to go (to my surprise) and she didn't want me to go either, because she thought it wouldn't do anything positive for any of us, including my Dad, who was largely unconscious by the time we were allowed to go and see him.

Anyway, my relationship with my Dad was similar to yours and do you know what? 5 years later I'm glad Covid lockdown meant that we couldn't see him when he was conscious and that my Mum decided she didn't want to see him when he'd lost consciousness. He was an arsehole to me. Not 100% of the time, I did have some good memories too, but the bad memories were significant enough to make me feel like crap most amount of the time, which isn't what a parent is supposed to do IMHO.

I still felt sad when he died and very sorry for him dying (presumably) alone, but I would feel sorry for any old person coming to the end of their life and dying alone, I don't think my sympathy was there because it was my Dad. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I think you should do whatever you feel will serve you best in your relationship with your Dad and never mind anyone else. They can do what they feel is best for them.

If you're close to siblings, you should go. You probably won't regret going, but would likely regret not going. Go and nobody can bad mouth you for not going. It's such a hard time. If he's awake, he may be living regrets and get a chance to say to you.

I don’t think you should go either.
my estranged father hadn’t had a part in my life for 30 years (his choice) but wanted to see me on his deathbed
I declined and have no regrets whatsoever.

I was in this position and despite saying that I'd never do a death bed dash, I'd exactly that. I didn't regret it. I was able to sit with a dying man and make my peace a little with the train wreck of a childhood that stemmed from him. He ceased to be that ogre and became the weak man that he truly was. It helped my grieving.

Op i think you have already grieved your dad, as the dad he should of been,

are your siblings giving you the heads up him dieing then that's OK for you not to go , they will understand, but if there pressure from them to go, you need to express your reasons why your not attending,

as I said op you have already grieved this person

I think you should do what you think you want to do.

I think you know what you want to do but society and siblings (and some posters on here) send the message that you should go. You could go to make your life easier with your siblings but be prepared that your dad is highly unlikely to change on his death bed so check in with yourself that you aren’t hoping for the movie death bed ending or you could do what you think is right and explain to your siblings that you won’t be there, however you are there for them in their grief.

I'm sure your Dad loved you immensely he just couldn't express it.

I really dislike this sort of rhetoric.

It took my mum until my sibling and I were in our 30s to actually admit to my sibling, "I dont love GreyCarpet. I mean, I don't hate her. I don't actively wish for anything bad to happen to her. I just wouldn't care if it did."

Some parents really don't love their children "immensely".

And it was still another few years before I went NC.

I'm sure your Dad loved you immensely, he just couldn't express it

It’s painful enough to find yourself the child of humans incapable of love and very capable of cruelty, but then you have this from the well meaning. I really wish my parents had loved me, believe me, no one wants that to have been the case more than me.

I'm sure your Dad loved you immensely, he just couldn't express it.

I hate this sort of twaddle. It’s real life, not Hallmark.

I agree. This is exactly why survivors of abuse often feel unable to talk to others about it. Its not worth bothering, because we won't be believed by people who trot out rubbish like "I'm sure it wasn't as you've said, I'm sure I know better and your non-abuser didn't abuse you really. Silly."

‘This person loves you despite all the evidence to the contrary’ is dire teaching to put on a human let alone a child.

All these posts we see on mumsnet of people in dreadfully abusive living conditions. These partners that are cruel and twisted with the the posters here, they aren’t all magically harmless oafs with their kids, as young and adult children. This is where the people who can say ‘no, my parent didn’t love me’ are coming from.

Some people will vent their deeply held frustrations on those around them, the more vulnerable the better. And to refuse to see that is terribly invalidating for those who found themselves at the mercy of adults who were less emotionally mature than them by the age of 6,7. And they’re not a kind 6 or 7 year old most of the time.

I do wonder if you went. My estranged Dad died in July. I didn't go to see him and my 88 year old aunt has just asked me if I 'regret it'. We were estranged in 2001 and I saw him ten years later at my uncle's funeral, and we exchanged numbers and he said he'd contact me. Seems he gave my aunt a lift later that year and said he wouldn't be contacting me after all, it had been too long, he ''couldn't be bothered'. Says it all really, my two beautiful children grew up without knowing their grandfather.