Are you in OLD? Is “Mankeeping” the new black

[GrandmasCat]

Back in OLD in my 50s. Jesus! Can’t believe the market. Most men I have met for a coffee are professionals, some with very respectable careers, 80% in early retirement or part retirement so we can infer, affluent, all of them between 53 and 62. Common denominator… all of them but one appear to need emotional support to one extent or another.

I was thinking that it could be age related, single older men looking for a potential carer in a partner, but then they are not that old and all of them seem very fit… but one, who is, incidentally, the only one that appears not need to be mothered.

I came across this article in the Guardian, about Mankeeping. Are you experiencing that with other age groups?

I know men have been complaining for years about women just wanting a free meal but, I feel sometimes like they are just looking for a mum…

article to follow, when I find it again…

I only agree with the one of the hobby. i have not met any heavy drinker and if they are driven by sex, they don’t look at all desperate, but the hobby, that’s another thing but only when it involves exercise like running or hiking, sometimes I feel like they cannot understand I am not excited or interested in joining.

I do however welcome they have a social hobby, activities they do as a group. But then yes, they cannot see past their hobby if it involves exercising… I guess they don’t want a new person complaining about being the golf widow again 🤷‍♀️

“It's just the society balance isn't it, that women who work just as hard as men inside/outside the house just can't be bothered with carrying a whole other person who on the one hand thinks they are the strong provider and should be worshiped as such, and on the other can't wash a sock or tell their friends any of their concerns”

My point exactly. We are expected to work as hard, split the bills, pay for our own things and yet someway the lion share of the house chores and childcare falls on us, if not the whole mental load.

I think it probably means

"oh I used to have a female to make me Sunday Roasts but I was a terrible human being and now she has left and I can't make one on my own because it's not my responsibility, and I can't go out and have one in the local pub on my own because everyone will think I am a sad loser, so what I deserve is a female to jump around a kitchen, her kitchen, for 3 hours on a Sunday, after running around getting all the ingredients and paying for it, and of course taking care of the washing up, making wonderful deserving me a Sunday Roast to prove her love for me"

Struggling to understand: 1) To not remember if you’ve dated 7, 8, 9 or 10 men… it’s not that many! 2) How these men can be in the 50s, wealthy and retired, and saying their wives took everything!

Well I’ve not eaten a Sunday roast for years - bad for the waistline. They can buy a roast for one at Tesco!

But I’d say aren’t we all looking for a bit of emotional support in a relationship?

I’m guessing they are “retired” as they’d rather live frugally than try to rebuild again? Or maybe they are just stinking rich?

They didn’t look frugal at all, seem to have expensive hobbies and holidays. They don’t seem stinking rich but then, IME, people with a lot of mine don’t show off, they simply don’t have anything to prove.

Oh yes, we are all, the issue lies in the balance. If I start feeling like their mum… I’m put off.

Well if they have had professional jobs and only need to house themselves - not their kids - then they will be doing OK. Whereas divorced women are nearly always still supporting the youngsters hence a lot less disposable income. Never mind whether they have worked or not throughout raising kids.

I don’t want to be anyone’s cook and bottle-washer or chief nag. That’s why I decided I wasn’t looking for anyone. The trouble is even I don’t always want to be the oddball loner.

I do not know if this is a “phenomenon”, but what you described looked a lot like my ex. I initiated divorce and, in his eyes, I am evil and he is a saint. Since the day one claimed he had nothing to do with the split and had no idea why I “dumped” him. For a very long time he had suffocated our children (three young adults) insisting they come to visit him every week telling them he was lonely, had nobody and they were his only friends. This was until he found a girlfriend and now seem to have calmed down a bit.

My theory is that men have harder time being single than women. Historically, men would only leave relationships if they find another woman, and now that us women are taking matters in our own hands and leaving unhappy marriages, they are left alone to tend to themselves.

That is why I have been happily single for four years and have no intention of joining the dating scene any time soon.

Maybe you could specify on your profile or in early messaging you're definitely NOT interested in moving in together, you'd like to meet male friends/companions to go out for dinner/theatre/galleries/days out/theatre?

Don't be negative, just say what you are interested in doing, maybe name some local places you like? Go for planning to do stuff rather than long conversations.

I actually know a lot of solvent men who would jump at something like this, especially at the life stage you describe.

People who are emotionally independent and have built up assets will be reticent to immediately blend lives and trauma dump. They do exist, you just need to meet them.

Might not be the love of your life but will get you out.

If you're super attracted to one of your new male friends you can try to seduce them!

I’m not sure men on dating sites want to be friends. They want someone to cook a roast! And the rest…

Well it is easier for men to find a women to 'mother' them and there are lots of women who think their sole reason for living is being married and raising children

I would presume if women are independent and are not looking for bank balance or on occasions a replacement father and go for an equal in a man they would attract those men more than likely

I’ve got to jump in on the ‘Roast Dinner’ issue: There’s actually huge numbers of women who also mention it on their OLD profile - maybe it’s something that’s missed because when you’re single you’d never bother cooking it for yourself - but I tend to read it as code for ‘no imagination, please swipe left’. Now I’m hoping it isn’t a euphemism for something more interesting I’ve been missing out on 🤣

Not really… I am very independent, I do not need someone to save me, financially or otherwise and my child already has a dad, yet this time I seem to be attracting the kind of people that seems to need relatively constant encouragement and reassurance.

… or it may be that if they are still “available” at this old age of ours, may be due to lack of trying? Something else to think about?

Are women promising roast dinners in OLD? No wonder why I am still single… I can’t cook to save my life!

But understand your point. Pretty much like the guys who keep going on about being “tactile”… I suppose everyone is tactile but makes you feel as if they are desperate to get their hands on the first body passing by!

This is indeed a good plan and one I used with great success when I divorced so many years ago. The problem with it, these days. Is that I already have a lot of friends, who I meet regularly for that kind of activities, so I am looking for a partner, one to have my back, one to have that end of the day catch up/conversation regularly, at home.🤷‍♀️

It is a contradiction isn’t it? I feel the same, my life is great, I am always out and about but… I don’t want to die alone! Or in more practical aspects, be pondering for ages on whose name to write in a form when they ask for the “emergency contact details”.

This is an interesting thread. I wonder whether the men have adopted the concept of “open communication” and “supportive relationships” and just taken it too far. It’s easy to hear about that sort of thing, decide it’s a good thing and will work well for you. That listening to someone drone on about their insecurities is deeply unsexy probably hasn’t occurred to them.

Exactly, but then”wealthy” is a relative term.

7-9 men on this occasion, I met 26 before finding my last partner, I suppose it will be more difficult this time, when I’m starting to look like. a muffin and men like Father Christmas.

And before some one starts talking about my standards, I am very selective, no brain, no sense of humour, not holding their sh*t together, no date.

No, not promising it! Just mentioned as part of the ‘perfect weekend’ or ‘the one meal you’d eat every day’.
Other men put ‘tactile’ on their profiles?? Thanks for the tip, I shan’t be doing that then! Women say this too and it’s also a turn-off tbh.

There should be a facility in OLD to see what the “competition” is doing… it would help to navigate this minefield… I am often told that my profile is “different” but I have no idea how. 🤷🏻‍♀️

When I was younger my mother and her cronies (mostly married but not all) would bemoan these
"second hand men". Quite disparaging but also saying that they'd come out of whatever relationships they were in, for whatever reason, with history.

How many of guys these days have just or recently left relationships and leapt back into the dating pool without taking the time to consider the previous relationships and learn from them.

A friend’s mum was widowed. She got really cross with all the men who popped up to say that they wanted to date her - she said it was obvious that they were angling to move in and have a woman cook and clean for them.

This sort of thing is why I get so cross when people talk about “gold diggers”. I’ve never met a gold digger but there are plenty of fortune hunters - men who are doing okay but then meet a woman with a good income and a nice house. She’ll cook and clean up while maintaining his social life. People say things like “Gosh, he did well to meet her” but no one ever mentions fortune hunting.

Agreed! Along with an idea of how many matches they’re getting 😂
Happy to give you feedback on your profile if you like (but might ask for the same in return)