New friend puts everyone down

[rhrni]

One of the Mums at school pursued me a few months back. Her kid is best friends with my kid, so we’ve met up a few times.

Noticed pretty quickly that she slags absolutely everyone off, but she does it in a jokey way so it doesn’t seem quite as harsh.

As soon as she sees you, she will make a comment to put you down. She did it to me a few times about my fringe, my clothes, the state of my house. It’s like her thoughts come straight out of her mouth. I’ve seen her do it to several people at school, so it’s just how she is. It’s like a front maybe, where she needs to put someone down quickly to make sure they don’t do it to her first or something?! One of the Mums said she was going to text her to go for a coffee and she said, ‘why would I go for a coffee with you? I’ve got a life’, and laughed etc. But then she continues to text her and occasionally meets up? She laughed at my trousers one day, then I saw a picture of her in the same ones a month later. She tells me loads of stories where she’s said offensive things to people and I just don’t get it?

If I get my kids hair cut, she’s so quick to message me taking the piss out of it saying ‘why the hell have you given her a fringe. What does she look like?!’. If I put anything on social media, she will message me something jokey and taking the piss out of it.

But then she has another side where she’s really caring, offers me lifts, buys gifts etc. I’m just confused by it?! I really like her despite the fact that she’s a dick, but I’m thinking of ditching her?

I’m due to have a baby at the end of the year and I know she’s going to make a load of comments about how I’m doing things with the baby. Again, it will be put in a ‘jokey’ way, but I know she will say stuff and I don’t think I could cope with that straight after having a baby when you’re hormonal etc.

Would you ditch her?

You already know the answer to that.

She sounds absolutely draining. I really couldn't be having that negativity surrounding me. I'd be constantly on edge waiting for her to be horrible.

@blandanaYes, I know deep down that I need to fizzle the friendship out but there’s just something about her that makes me laugh, and she’s really good fun to be around.

I just wish I could understand why she’s like that?!

There’s something stopping me from cutting her off, even though I should.
I’m normally v quick to cut people off and my social circle is v small and only has people I totally trust in it, so I don’t know why I’m still hanging around.

Perhaps you should tell her that these jokes hurt your feelings? She may be genuinely unaware.

"Mary, that was a bloody rude thing to say!"
"Only a joke, Rhni"
"Am I laughing?"

Every time until you've trained her out of her bad habit, or she decides to leave you alone.

This is quite an unpleasant character trait she has.

I would not want to be friends with her either, she’s nasty although I know it’s difficult when your kids are friends, I would keep it minimal, you don’t need to stay friends in between your kids meeting up, you have the perfect excuse of a newborn soon to keep you too busy.

Think I’d steer clear, but if you can’t do that - Dont Listen to anyone who says match her energy OP, instead you need to ‘jokingly’ raise her always being/saying negative things and the next time she does say oh beep beep she’s at it again - hahahaaa how ‘funny’…it’ll make you feel better that you get to pull her up each time but without coming off like a dick.

@NeedToAskPleaseThis is the stage that I’ve started to get to. I feel anxious putting anything on social media (which I rarely do), because I know she’ll message something negative straight away.

It feels like she’s just ready to take the piss out of anything I do (and anything anyone else does).

It’s so hard to explain what she’s truly like because even though she’s clearly nasty, she says it in such a way that it doesn’t seem nasty.

I do know I need to cut her off really 😩

I worked with someone like her. Determined to shake others self-belief. Everyone thought her insecure.
Swerve.

You say her DD is friends with yours? Would you be happy when her DD starts emulating her mother and starts negging your DD to bring her down?

Would you accept this negging from a partner?

Her lack of self confidence is no excuse for acting like an unpleasant idiot. I guess she doesn't have many longterm friends because of her behaviour which may be why she love bombs you to keep you sweet. You should distance yourself and work on your boundaries and self esteem.

Why do you need to understand it? What reason could she give that would make it ok?

Nasty. Boring. Exhausting.

I would just not bother with her.

She probably thinks it's just bantz.

Life is too short for keeping people like that in your life.

I’ve got a friend who holds on to a grudge and will try and bring me in to his bitching sessions. I’ve told him straight I’m absolutely not interested in hearing it!

Honestly, your own behaviour here is far odder to me than hers. She’s clearly decided that this is ‘hilarious bantz’ and her way of relating to the world, which is mystifying, but it’s more mystifying why you would just sit there meekly to be insulted and never pull her up on it.

Yes, this is almost certainly an outworking of her own low self-esteem.

Some people confidently climb their ladder for themselves and end up as high as (or higher than) others through their own merits, focus and determination; some people daren't climb their own ladder, so they find it easier to just saw the rungs off other people's ladders instead.

She sounds rather like Jay from The Inbetweeners (but without the sex obsession).

And also, don't use the nice/normal things to justify the unacceptable things.

Even serial killers spend the vast, vast majority of their time not killing anybody at all!

Ditch her

she sounds jealous and unhinged

I know exactly the type you mean tho

Could be a narcissist. I know two female narcs and their friendships were always very effusive in the beginning, basically platonic love bombing. They're really generous with gifts, always interact with your social media posts, lots of messages etc. But at the same time they (almost inadvertently) always slag other people off in conversation because that's just the way their brain works. On occasion they would also insult you directly but it seems so bizarre and out of context that you tend to dismiss it.

I would be concerned that her child models the same behaviour with your child. Is that a concern?

It sounds like the relationship is doomed unless something changes, so could you take her to one side somewhere private and have a really frank conversation with her.

I really like you, you have a considerate and witty side to you. I am saying this because I am your friend and I am concerned.

You put people down a lot. It is delivered in a jokey way but it is not funny for anyone around you. I have seen you do it to other people as well as myself. Your negativity is draining and people avoid you because of it.

If you aren’t prepared to acknowledge that your behaviour is hurtful and are willing to tackle it, I cannot be around you any longer. It would be a pity as our children are good friends.

I couldn’t stand being friends with someone like this. She’s already making you change your behaviour (not putting things on sm etc).

You’ve got a few choices, start to phase her out, don’t be available for meet ups, don’t approach her in the playground etc. or you could be very blunt ‘oh do fuck off sandra with your nasty comments, it’s not nice’ or maybe somewhere in the middle ‘well that’s not a nice thing to say about my dd’. Or push it back on her

’why would I want to go for a coffee with you’ - because I’m the only one who will put up with you, no one else likes you

’laughs at your trousers’ - well at least they look better than that sack you’re wearing

’why the hell have you given her a fringe’ - well at least she hasn’t gone to your hairdresser, are you sure she’s even qualified to cut hair and you’ve not gone to a sheep shearer

Do you know that saying about radiators and drains? Surround yourself with radiators, not drains - she sounds like the latter.
The nastiness is disguised as ‘banter’ but actually it’s not funny at all. People who are happy with themselves don’t need to poke fun at others to make them feel better.

I think it’s probably the hot/cold and push/pull. After the lows with her, the highs are so so high. Basically a Fuckboi boyfriend.

She sounds like Amanda from Amandaland (and the original show whose name escapes me right now).

It might well be insecurity but it's unpleasant. If you believe she's actually a nice person and you want ot be friends with her, I'd make some effort to change this but I'm not hugely optimistic.

a few times about my fringe, my clothes: If you don't like my clothes or my hairstyle, please just don't say anything at all. As my mother always said, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
the state of my house. - this is my house. You don't have to visit if you don't want to.

‘why would I go for a coffee with you? I’ve got a life’,: " no problem, we don't have to meet up." And if she says, it's a joke, hahaha, then a simple, "It didn't feel like a joke".

If I get my kids hair cut, she’s so quick to message me taking the piss out of it saying ‘why the hell have you given her a fringe. What does she look like?!’. As above. But i'd also add: "why on earth would you take the piss out of a child's hairstyle? I hope she never hears you saying this, it would be very damaging.

But like I said, I'm not convinced you'll get her to change. More likely she'll think you're over sensitive.

Get away from her and get you child away as well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I'll bet her daughter is a sly confidence eroding Madam as well.

I'd actually be more concerned about your DD being teased by your friend. See above re a child's haircut.