New friend puts everyone down

[rhrni]

One of the Mums at school pursued me a few months back. Her kid is best friends with my kid, so we’ve met up a few times.

Noticed pretty quickly that she slags absolutely everyone off, but she does it in a jokey way so it doesn’t seem quite as harsh.

As soon as she sees you, she will make a comment to put you down. She did it to me a few times about my fringe, my clothes, the state of my house. It’s like her thoughts come straight out of her mouth. I’ve seen her do it to several people at school, so it’s just how she is. It’s like a front maybe, where she needs to put someone down quickly to make sure they don’t do it to her first or something?! One of the Mums said she was going to text her to go for a coffee and she said, ‘why would I go for a coffee with you? I’ve got a life’, and laughed etc. But then she continues to text her and occasionally meets up? She laughed at my trousers one day, then I saw a picture of her in the same ones a month later. She tells me loads of stories where she’s said offensive things to people and I just don’t get it?

If I get my kids hair cut, she’s so quick to message me taking the piss out of it saying ‘why the hell have you given her a fringe. What does she look like?!’. If I put anything on social media, she will message me something jokey and taking the piss out of it.

But then she has another side where she’s really caring, offers me lifts, buys gifts etc. I’m just confused by it?! I really like her despite the fact that she’s a dick, but I’m thinking of ditching her?

I’m due to have a baby at the end of the year and I know she’s going to make a load of comments about how I’m doing things with the baby. Again, it will be put in a ‘jokey’ way, but I know she will say stuff and I don’t think I could cope with that straight after having a baby when you’re hormonal etc.

Would you ditch her?

Oh I had one of those and with her it was definitely that she was riddled with insecurity. My career, my outfits, my make up were all up for ‘jokey asides’ and she was worse in a group of other women…in the end I phased her out, I made allowances as she had some really good points but ultimately being around her stopped being fun. I don’t have enough free time to spend it waiting for the sting!

What @AmyDuPlantiersaid. I've worked with people like this several times and, trust me, it will not get better. They work hard to be a "character": omg she's SO FUNNY, she just doesn't care, she's outrageous, she's such a scream, etc. This is FEAR talking, and I was one of the afraid. It is appeasement of a horrible, fucked-up person. Don't fight her; she'll literally thrive on that energy from you. I have been that person, and for about 4 months her constant verbal bullying was so bad, I went sick & considered changing a job I loved just to get away from her. Then she switched her attentions to some other poor schmuck & I was discarded, thank fuck. Walk away, don't run. Don't rise to any provocation. Be grey, be as boring as fuck. Don't badmouth her to others, it will get back to her. Only confide in people who have zero connection with her. She is literally feeding off you; let her feed off someone else. Keep the closest of eyes on your child; it's highly unlikely that her friend, with a mum like that, will be unaffected. I know I sound like I'm overreacting, but all the awful signs are there. Best of luck.

Ditch the b**ch. Life's too short to be in the company of someone like this.

Like a few others on here I'm more puzzled by your behaviour than hers.
Do you never pull her up on the nasty remarks?
And have you asked her why she does it? (Given that you say you wish you could understand why she's like that, why don't you just ask her).

I get the feeling that you like her despite the unpleasant stuff she says. So the question to ask yourself is:

• do I like her enough / enjoy her company enough to live with the unpleasant bits?

OR

• is she so unpleasant that I need to stop being friends even though she's fun in other ways?

I'd love to know what you decide OP

I used to have a friend like this and as time went on she became nastier and nastier. If I stood up for myself she'd tell me I couldn't take a joke but if I didn't stand up for myself she'd tell me I was weak.
She would often point out to me how fat I was and when I stood up for myself she would go on and on about how sensitive I was and that I wasn't tough like her but when I pointed out that she weighed only a little less than me she went on and on about how insensitive I was and that I should learn to be kind and sensitive like she was.
This so called friend is the most insensitive sensitive person I've ever met but I learned from this friendship and never again will I let someone like this into my I'll ife ever again.

Feed it and it will grow
Starve it and it will die.

she sounds as though she is socially awkward, trying to fit in but does not pick on clues where she has overstepped the mark. You say she has a really caring side, but only you can know how much effort you are prepared to put in to the relationship.

I think that the next time she says something you should look her in the eye and with a passive normal tone say "do you mean to be so rude? Do you realise that what you have just said is hurtful" she will probably say it's just a joke to which your reply should be"oh thats what it is? I don't find it funny" and move on to talking about something else.

The question is why you are putting up with this.

The next question is when are you going to do the necessary and adult thing and step away.

IME that kind of hyper-critical, judgmental attitude is a symptom of chronically low self-worth. For whatever reason, she’s obviously not happy with who she is. It’s up to you whether she’s a close enough friend that you want to help her through that, or to cut ties to protect your peace and mental health, especially when the new baby comes along.

I’d have to say “did you mean to be so rude”

I would ask her straight out after one of her comments if she meant it to sound so rude.

Sorry for what is going to be a really long response!

Basically, there is no point telling her that her behaviour is hurtful. She knows I’ve been upset before & she leaves me alone for a couple of days and then will text ‘have you gotten over what I said yet’, and then take the piss some more.

In terms of responding to her, I did used to just ‘take it’ for the first couple of months because I was so gobsmacked. Now I ‘fight back’ and match her energy (rightly or wrongly). I never say anything first but now I’m quick to make a shitty comment back. It’s not in my nature to do that, but I can’t just let her crap all over me either.

She did once invite herself over with about 2 minutes notice, so the house was an absolute tip. She’d only ever been over for parties before when the house was immaculate. I could see her looking around in disgust. A day later she messaged loads of comments about how messy it is and how I need to throw stuff etc. I snapped back and said ‘don’t worry. You’re not coming over again you rude cow’. She asked to come over for a coffee a couple of days later, and I said ‘nope. I’ve told you you’re not coming over again’. So she does know that I will take action if needed. But again, she doesn’t care 🙈.

She makes fun of my partner posts anything on social media, even makes fun of her own partner to be fair. No one is off limits. Everything is ‘Omgod that’s so cringe’, ‘he gives me the ick’ etc. Told me I give her the ick. I just think it’s such a rude comment.

I hadn’t actually thought about her Daughter and how she might follow suit. It then dawned on me that my Daughter had mentioned a couple of things which I’d passed off as normal kid behaviour. Her Daughter once shut mine in the toilet and wouldn’t let her out, she shouts at my Daughter in school, often telling her she won’t play with her. The other day she tried to take her snacks. My Daughter said no and she responded saying she would tell her Mum, wouldn’t play with her and wouldn’t meet up at event that we were meant to go to. I messaged her Mum straight away and she said she’d told Daughter off etc. Couple of days later, she’s messaging joking about it asking if DD had chocolate buttons in her snack box or something or why else would she be trying to take it. I’ve now decided that I won’t meet up with the Mum and kid anymore. Yes, we will see her at parties but I’m encouraging my Daughter to make other friends. I’ve said if she’s nasty, then she’s not to play with her.

We had a school event yesterday. I went over to my jokey friend to say hi. She was talking to 2 others. She said hi and basically turned away from me and carried on her conversation. You could see the other 2 Mums looking really awkward that she’d just turned away. She made no effort to talk to me the whole time. She then messaged in the night licking arse saying how she hadn’t seen me all day etc.

I’ve just ignored her. I can’t be arsed with it anymore. I’m going to ignore or really limit my messages back until she gets the hint.

You really need to get rid of this friend. You are under no obligation whatsoever to keep her in your life. Why should your happiness be compromised just so she can get some hurtful digs in? If cutting her out will upset her then that's on her and she only has herself to blame. You owe her nothing.

She's a bully and so is her daughter, it seems

Would you be able to just say something straight to her? “Look, I’m not sure if you’ve realised, but sometimes the jokes actually hit like you mean the insult and the joke is just the fig-leaf so you don’t need to take responsibility. When you commented on my fringe I actually found it really hurtful and rude. I didn’t want to just ghost you as a friend without saying something, but actually I hate conversations that are just about slagging people off- even if it’s for a laugh.”

You know she's nasty, so just stop contacting her. If she sees you and says hello, return her greeting but don't get drawn into a conversation. If you can't avoid it, keep to polite small talk and try not to give her anything she can use as ammunition. Just be polite, bland... and busy!

Low self esteem. Trying to be cool to fit in. All you need to do is, the next time she says something is to laugh and say, ‘FFS, Sandra, do you need to be a bitch ALL the time? It must be exhausting for you’.

Fuck off and have good luck with your life because you're going to need it .. cheerio..and block.

‘Did you mean to be so rude?’ just invites the response ‘no of course not, sorry you took it that way’ or some other denial. It’s not effective.
Look, she’s not a nice person. It’s not a lack of filter/speaking before thinking thing as most people’s minds are filled with malicious thoughts and snipes about others where as hers is.
Why not ask her why she is so horrible? I’m never worried about offending offensive people so I would be quite comfortable either asking ‘why are you so horrible?’, ‘oh dear that’s not good- what makes you say that?’ if you want to stay friends with her. If you don’t, something like ‘let’s keep our distance from now on because I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt before but you’re actually really, really negative about people and don’t have a good word to say about anyone. You go out of your way to be spiteful about any single thing you can think of and it’s deeply sad. I don’t like it and life’s too short so you go one way and I’ll go another good luck’