New friend puts everyone down

[rhrni]

One of the Mums at school pursued me a few months back. Her kid is best friends with my kid, so we’ve met up a few times.

Noticed pretty quickly that she slags absolutely everyone off, but she does it in a jokey way so it doesn’t seem quite as harsh.

As soon as she sees you, she will make a comment to put you down. She did it to me a few times about my fringe, my clothes, the state of my house. It’s like her thoughts come straight out of her mouth. I’ve seen her do it to several people at school, so it’s just how she is. It’s like a front maybe, where she needs to put someone down quickly to make sure they don’t do it to her first or something?! One of the Mums said she was going to text her to go for a coffee and she said, ‘why would I go for a coffee with you? I’ve got a life’, and laughed etc. But then she continues to text her and occasionally meets up? She laughed at my trousers one day, then I saw a picture of her in the same ones a month later. She tells me loads of stories where she’s said offensive things to people and I just don’t get it?

If I get my kids hair cut, she’s so quick to message me taking the piss out of it saying ‘why the hell have you given her a fringe. What does she look like?!’. If I put anything on social media, she will message me something jokey and taking the piss out of it.

But then she has another side where she’s really caring, offers me lifts, buys gifts etc. I’m just confused by it?! I really like her despite the fact that she’s a dick, but I’m thinking of ditching her?

I’m due to have a baby at the end of the year and I know she’s going to make a load of comments about how I’m doing things with the baby. Again, it will be put in a ‘jokey’ way, but I know she will say stuff and I don’t think I could cope with that straight after having a baby when you’re hormonal etc.

Would you ditch her?

Good grief..how does this woman have any friends. Either tell her she's rude or ditch her, life's too short!

I don’t think from what you’ve posted that her intention is to be hurtful, so I don’t think that it sounds as if she is being nasty?

I know someone who says quite cutting things as a joke, but she honestly doesn’t mean to hurt. It’s more that she does banter like men do.

There’s trick where if someone crosses a boundary - you ask them to repeat what they said and then to explain it as if you don’t understand at all. Keep doing that.

@PizzaSophiaLoren what do you think the intention is with people who do this?

@EmeraldRoulette
to be funny? Not realising that it’s not funny, lack of self awareness. Were probably brought up with a lot of teasing and taking the piss. Not being able to express empathy etc.

I would say she lacks confidence and is deflecting it by being critical.
I grew up in a house like this, not until my 30’s did I realise how negative I was. I was so used to being put down and everything was a “laugh”.
if she is a good friend maybe have a chat with her If she doesn’t get the msg then, nothing lost really .

Avoid, avoid, avoid. I would confront the rudeness directly then block from all media. Life is too short.

It's actually her that has the problem, some type of insecurity maybe. However, if you're finding it too draining ease off the friendship a bit. Good luck

She sounds exhausting to be around.

I was going to say the word narcissist as a pp. They feel inadequate so they boost their ego by putting others down. They buy gifts to look generous. They look for people they can enlist. Those that don't protest if they same something shitty. Surround themselves with people they can manipulate to do things for them. They're not easy to drop as they cannot cope with criticism themselves and can be vengeful. They start smear campaigns, tell lies about you.

OP, that's not a friend.
That's someone who can only feel good about themselves by putting others down.
Gradually, your confidence will be eroded.
I'd end the ''friendship'' before it eats away at your self esteem.

Ask yourself why you’re struggling to understand her, because from where I’m standing the comment about your DD’s hair would be enough for me to drop her. She’s rude, insecure, insulting, and possibly jealous. She doesn’t have a kind word to say about anyone, so it’s likely she doesn’t about you either. What a terrible ‘friend’
Every time you laugh off an insult or ignore a caustic comment you’re giving the message that it’s ok to insult you and gossip about others. She has no right to disrespect you, I would block her on social media, be too busy to socialise with her, and I sure as hell wouldn’t let her anywhere near you or your home after DC is born.
Just because DD and her DD are friend’s doesn’t give her automatic right to a friendship with you.
You’re having a baby, the perfect reason to back off and say you need rest, space, haven’t time, too tired, backache, headaches etc etc, or simply tell her the truth…
personally if it was me I’d be straight with her and say, “I’m not comfortable with your gossip, I feel insulted by some of your comments, and I whilst I have no intention of falling out with you I wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea that I agree with your comments so I’m stepping away. I wish you well and I’d be very grateful for some distance”.
She’ll possibly be shocked, might even retaliate because it seems no one has pulled her for her disgraceful behaviour, but that’s her emotion to deal with, and her emotions to own… don’t react or argue. If she tries to make you feel guilty by saying ‘you’ve hurt my feelings, blah blah blah’, tell her you’re not responsible for her feelings. Stay strong, she’s poison.

I say stupid things when I get nervous. I don't mean to but sometimes I can be rude...

You might try suggesting to her that you think she'd be really good at Stand Up Comedy - had she ever thought of trying to work up an act?

While she's considering that, fade gently and quickly into the background. Encourage your child's friendships with other children who have less toxic parents.

Have you ever said. Actually that's mean/you hurt my feelings/why would you say that.

Im not saying it's OK but some people use "banter" to build connections. And hide their own vulnerabilities.

If you like her and see good qualities in her. Id maybe talk to her, see what happens and if shes still mean block her

If you do this be calm, not ‘upset’, ask her if she’s ok, because that really wasn’t nice/funny. Filter her off your social media, so you’re not stressing about what she’s going to say.

Or, let the friendship go. I’d be interested to know if she has any long term friends, or if she flits from one group to another because they get fed up of her mean-girl bullshit.

My SIL was like this. I put it down to her coming from a large Catholic family with several older brothers. It was as if she had to get in a dig before anyone else did - but I was never going to, as that's not my way. I found it very annoying and upsetting at times and didn't want to spend time with her.

First - of all she is not a friend. Secondly - I'd probably tel! her she should actually think about what xxxx comes out of her mouth ie put her brain in gear before she speaks.

You don’t want to cut her off because you’re afraid of what bitchy stuff she’ll say about you to others.

She sounds like a cunt, so she’ll say it regardless. Just quietly drop her. She’s basically an overgrown school bully who everyone puts up with out of fear.

I would get rid, she REALLY is NOT your friend. A friend is meant to lift you up, support and care about you, be kind, BUT she is acting in almost a bullying way. Bullies joke about something and then pass it off as ONLY A JOKE - this is not a friend. GL with your newborn.

Nope couldn't listen to that nonsense it'd be cheerio have a nice life.

She sounds like an emotionally immature insecure twat!! Don’t give her anymore energy and certainly don’t give her anymore opportunity to put you and your kids down. Go cold and distance yourself massively. Life is too short to put up with that kind of negativity! Her poor children having a mum like that!!

she Certainly speaks about you to others,it's her character.i would not like it but I do experience this behaviour from a family member and I find it very difficult..but it's family so I won't exclude or block this person...you need to accept her as she is or if it's bothering you say so,or lessen your interactions with her.he won't change..I don't understand it and don't want to waste energy trying to from my perspective...

It’s a defence mechanism, perhaps she was criticised a lot at home when growing up. If you really like her perhaps tell her how she is coming across and see if she realises it. She she shrugs and carries in I’d ditch.

Jesus , you need to ditch her !
You said yourself, it’s come to a point where you’re feeling anxious to post anything on Facebook because she will post a nasty comment !
So you’ve struck up a new friendship with someone who is starting to give you feelings of anxiety ..
Get Rid ! !

I'd drop her like a hot potato and tell her why.