Child dislikes new partner

[AdelesUglyCousin]

Divorced, one young adult DC, been with DP 3 years. DC always had a problem with new relationship even before meeting DP, now they’ve met plenty of times and DC has recently decided they don’t like DP - have investigated the reasons and it’s pretty mundane stuff, nothing untoward. Have always prioritised DC and not rammed this relationship in their face. WWYD?

How old is your child?

20, but studying away from home.

20? Absolutely nothing to do with him especially if his reason are mundane and it isn’t because your partner has been rude to him or he has seen him treat you badly. He doesn’t get to choose who you spend your life with especially when he isn’t even around.

Not a child. None of their business. I would not be putting up with this nonsense from an adult!

20!! Wow I thought you were going to say a young child not an adult! At 20 he should know better and quite frankly it’s nothing to do with him and he should be happy that you’re happy

I’d remind him that he (presumably) wouldn’t want you to have a veto over his future partner, would he? The same applies the other way around, given that he is an adult, mostly living away from home, and there is no substantial reason for his dislike of your DP.

Thanks all. Makes total sense, I guess I’m wondering whether my loyalty should remain to my kid forever more (I think I know the answer!) and more seriously I don’t want to damage my relationship with them.

Its not about loyalty though is it? Because they've already moved out. And you don't owe them being alone forever.

Personally, I wouldn't carry on a relationship if my dc didn't like a new partner, regardless of my dc age.
I have dc that are teenagers, my older dc are in their 20s and 30s.

Unless they can give a good reason for not being able to at least be civil when occasion requires them to meet then they don’t get a say. It is incredibly selfish of grown children who are merrily living their own life to expect their parents to prioritise their opinion for insignificant reasons.

Agreed

That is very easy to say but the OP and been with her DP for three years now

And I'm sure you won't like every partner they introduce to you, you're all adults so people can remain civil so long as you're not moving in and still sharing living space together.

At 20 they are far too old to be controlling who your friends are. Would this child be happier if you just lived on your own and stayed in all the time unless they were visiting you?

When I was in this situation, I ended the relationship.
I didn't want to have a relationship with someone my dc didn't like. Its just to difficult a situation.

What are the mundane reasons and is there any wider context? People generally don’t just dislike people for no reason so there probably is one and you’re not picking up on it or maybe you’re not noticing subtle red flags from your DP. It might be your DC’s issue to deal with, but the conversation needs to be had properly.

I didn’t like my parent’s new partner when they met, I was 14. It started off okay but I ended up hated them. Very difficult relationship and felt let down they were picking the partner over me. They’ve been together 25 years and married. I still don’t really like them but are civil to each other. Maturing is realising your parents deserve to be happy too.

So you would break off every relationship they didn’t like? What about when you’re in your 90s? And your kids are pensioner age, do you remain single until you die?

Extremely silly.

But what age does it stop? You just going to stay single until you die? Your kids are adults and living their own lives, why wouldnt they want their parent to be happy?

Not sure why you’ve quoted me? I’m agreeing it’s silly to let adult dc to dictate partners. 😵‍💫

Yes I’m agreeing with you also, I’m not picking a fight 🤭was just asking you that question 😉

I agree.
I'm a grandma and my children are in their 30s, but we get on so well, see each other often and have days out, trips, holidays, meals together etc. If I was with someone they didn't like I'm sure those times together would diminish, they'd be making excuses not to visit or spend time with me, be elsewhere at Christmastime etc, or even something as simple as just not being themselves with someone they didn't like.
That would be so hard for me, there's no way I'd sacrifice that for a man.

Also I really trust my children's judgement, I like their friends etc, and if my children didn't like the man I'd realise that there was something wrong with the man that I wasn't paying attention to or overlooking because I was blinded by the attention or attraction. Because obviously it's possible to be attracted to people who really aren't that nice or good for you.

Are they at uni, so will be home at times or have they fully moved out?

If you’re happy in your relationship, crack on. You also need to accept that your DC may never like your partner. Please don’t pressure them about it. We can’t all like everyone.

Make time to see your DC one on one.

I didn’t particularly like either of my parents’ new partners after they split, and I never got to see my parents on their own. Consequently I didn’t come back to visit much. (And neither of them ever bothered visiting me, I might add!)

I wouldn’t have wanted them to stay single forever on my account though.