Child dislikes new partner

[AdelesUglyCousin]

Divorced, one young adult DC, been with DP 3 years. DC always had a problem with new relationship even before meeting DP, now they’ve met plenty of times and DC has recently decided they don’t like DP - have investigated the reasons and it’s pretty mundane stuff, nothing untoward. Have always prioritised DC and not rammed this relationship in their face. WWYD?

Until your young adult child is fully launched, just be considerate and keep your relationship out of the house when your child is home from school. It’s not great to impose the relationship on your child when they still need your support.

Once you are on more equal footing, it will be the same as if you don’t like someone your child is dating. You may sometimes need to get through a family meal or gathering, but since you don’t have to live together, all you need to manage is a civil, superficial relationship.

I absolutely 💯 agree with this.

I'm also a grandparent with dc in their 30s.

The relationships I have with my children are the most important relationships in my life.
They come before everyone and anyone.

I will never compromise that especially for a boyfriend/partner.

Having a dp isn't important to everyone in RL.

If I'm single in my 90s that's absolutely fine.

It’s based on a few comments DP has made which DC then might take out of context or in a way clearly not intended - I can say this because I’ve been part of conversations which DC has used to justify their view. I know my DC so tend to be careful in my language around them but clearly not yet the case for my DP. The wider context is just that they didn’t want me to be in a relationship at all, which is why I’m a bit struggling to work this out when they might be looking for reasons to object to my DP.

DC is fully moved out but might come and stay for a night every now and then, or I might not see them for a month.

As PP have said, I don’t want to constantly be in awkward family dynamics where DC avoids visiting. At the same time I don’t want to throw away a good relationship for a feeling DC might mature out of.

If he doesn’t want you in a relationship and your confident your partner hasn’t been inappropriate then I wouldn’t throw away this relationship as your son will likely do the same when you find a new partner. Instead I’d try to keep it light. If he tells you he doesn’t like your partner just laugh and say it’s a good job he’s not your boyfriend then isn’t it. I would however make sure I always had some time alone with him when he comes to stay so he doesn’t have any reason to claim he’s been pushed out.

If your DP hasn't done anything wrong and it's just a personality clash then I can see the dilemma. It all depends on how much you don't want to be single and how much you are willing to risk not to be single. I wouldn't want to put my children (even as adults) in a position where they aren't completely comfortable visiting me. No man would be worth that for me. If you think further ahead and if they decide to have children, it will also impact how much contact you will have with future grandchildren. It's much more complex than just saying, they are adults, they just have to deal with it. They might just choose not to, then that means the most important relationship in your life will be damaged because of an unrelated man.

Did they move out because of your partner?

Your 20 year old will mature and very much have their own life very soon.

I know people who have pandered to their children and then consequently remained lonely and single.

Don’t jeopardise your relationship with your DP.

Surely you give them benefit of the doubt for a few boyfriends (ie take them at their word that they don’t like them) then if it continues and you realise it’s not personal but just because they don’t like you having a boyfriend, then you carry on regardless. But I would take opinion of DC into account, same as if my best friend really disliked a new boyfriend! My vision for my life is being with DH, but in failing that I would like to have jovial and happy relationship between me and new partner and my kids, I would want them to all enjoy each others company for family events, trips away, birthday parties etc!

I’d prioritise my relationship with my child.

Totally agree. My mum ignored red flags with her partner, now husband, a decade on they have a truly horrendous relationship AND her relationship with me is irreparably damaged and GC & I wouldn’t ever stay at her house with him there etc whereas we definitely would if she had married someone nice!

It’s a balance. It’s very hard to see your parent with a partner (that isn’t your other parent) even in your twenties. Your DC needs to accept it though and make an effort but you can still appreciate their feelings and make time to spend with DC one on one. My main issue with my parents dating other people was that the partners had to be there for EVERYTHING which drove me mad.

I know my DC so tend to be careful in my language around them but clearly not yet the case for my DP.

This sounds a bit like you are treading on eggshells around your son...... why?

Absolutely not

This. I have tried to be sensitive and it’s also important to me that they do like my DP so we can all have a good relationship. They took the separation of their parents badly even though it was clearly for the best (which they admit). It’s not helped when one parent hasn’t moved on though, and the other hasn’t.

Is your child generally difficult? Or could your partner be an arsehole?

If it's the former then I wouldn't end the relationship, they're an adult and they need to it.

I know my DC so tend to be careful in my language around them
The wider context is just that they didn’t want me to be in a relationship at all

Why are you letting your adult child control your life?

You say you are careful in your language around your child, who doesn't want you in a relationship at all. So it seems that it's not really a problem with your partner as a person but an issue of your relationship with your child and to what extent/how long you will prioritise their wishes regarding your relationships - it sounds like they might look for a problem with anyone you meet!

As your child has fully moved out I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to behave a bit more maturely and reflect on your feelings as well as their own. 20s are also a time of life when we often distance ourselves from our parents a bit and then come back to a more adult relationship.

I'm a single parent myself of a 20yr old who's at uni, and I've recently started dating a man in the same position with his children. Should it carry on I can see the potential for the dynamics being tricky over the next couple of years while they are all still back every holiday. My Dd has a steady partner herself and is quite independent so I'm fairly confident she'll be able to deal maturely with meeting him, but I don't know how it will be for his children.

I also have experience of the other side as my parents divorced while I was a student, there were a lot of mixed emotions and it was difficult hearing about/meeting new partners but ultimately my parents need to live their lives they way they want, they've always let me live mine!

I also thought you were going to say a young child.

But at 20..no, he doesn’t get a say in what you do with your life.

I don't agree that it's nothing to do with them. But I think they need to learn to live with it. You shouldn't give up your DP to please your 20 year old DS.

I don't think the issue is whether or not her child should get a say in who she is dating, the question is, is it worth dating someone that her child doesn't like and how will that affect OPs relationship with her child? It's fine to say they get no say in it, but that might make it difficult for OP to have the sort of relationship that she wants to have with her child. It comes down to which relationship is worth potentially sacrificing.

Not wanting you too be in a relationship at all is unreasonable and he should have drown out of that by now.

Just to add to this, my Dad ended up with a lovely woman who was so scrupulous about keeping herself out of our family life that I really wanted to see her more! (They've now been together as long as my parents were)

I know my DC so tend to be careful in my language around them but clearly not yet the case for my DP.

So you walk on eggshells around your DC and yoru partner doesn't and so your DC doesn't like your DP? I think you actually have bigger problems here.

Frankly, for adult children not to like your partner, I'd have some sympathy if there's a really strong reason - the partner is racist or treats you badly or whatever. But if they just find him a bit boring/not their cup of tea, then honestly, it's ridiculous. As a parent, your job then is simply not to ram the partner down their throat. It's perfectly possible to have ag ood relationship with your child while your DP is only involved tangentially.

Awww that’s lovely! I now have a lovely step dad as well 🥰 and lovely steps sisters and nieces too!