Child dislikes new partner

[AdelesUglyCousin]

Divorced, one young adult DC, been with DP 3 years. DC always had a problem with new relationship even before meeting DP, now they’ve met plenty of times and DC has recently decided they don’t like DP - have investigated the reasons and it’s pretty mundane stuff, nothing untoward. Have always prioritised DC and not rammed this relationship in their face. WWYD?

Why are you assuming it’s a son???
The OP has been very careful to use they/them so there’s no indication of sex of their child.

A lot of people have assumed it’s a son and the OP hasn’t corrected

I think there are two issues

• mum having a boyfriend
• the boyfriends personality and comparability with the adult child.

Clearly define them when talking about the issues. It might be useful to say to your dc 'I wouldn't be with DP if he were ever horrible to you, I don't think he meant to upset you during that convo but I can see that it hurt your feelings. Imagine if I wasn't with him any more, I'd feel quite lonely in the evenings. I'd want another boyfriend and there's no guarantee you'd like the next one either.

A boyfriend is someone for me to spend my free time with - you don't have to spend lots of time with him I just hope you'll both be polite and respectful when you do see each other and it's still
Important to me to have mother - child time with you'

And then make the effort to visit your child and do things with them without DP always being there.

It might also be worth stating out loud that you and your ex are never ever getting back together regardless of if either of you have a bf or gf

As an adult your DC owes it to you to make an effort to get along with your DP. Equally your DP should be making an effort to get on with DC. They don't need to be best mates but I would be sitting my DC down and explaining that you are happy with DP and you hope that he would be supportive of a relationship that makes you happy. He's not a kid. You should be looking out for each other but you don't need to sacrifice your happiness for him anymore.

You’d give your children the power of being the Other Woman in their parents relationships.
As a principle I would say that is … not one I share.

Sure, listen to them carefully, but giving them an undisclosed right of veto in that way? No.

'I don't like him'
'Thats ok, you're not the one dating him'.

Some people are immature and place their own wants way above the happiness of anyone - including their parents. I have friends (in their 30’s) who admit they always try to destroy their parents relationships- just to show any newcomer that they can.

They would much much rather their mother go back to being alone and lonely or battered (emotionally/ physically/financially and sexually) by their father than be happy with anyone else.

There will be people reading this who recognize the dynamic in themselves, and they might even admit it.

It depends on the DC though. Some children are going to object to any new partner, just because. If the child doesn’t like this particular person, then I would agree with you; if the child is going to hate every new partner then that is not acceptable.

Your child is an adult and living away from home. They don’t really need to be around your partner. Presumably, if it’s a new relationship, your partner isn’t living with you, so when your child comes home, spend time with them and keep interaction with your partner minimal.

All that being said, it may be worth exploring if your child doesn’t like the idea of you having a partner at all or specifically doesn’t like this one, because these are different things.

My mum got a partner when I was mid 20s. He always sat wrong with me. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why I didn’t like him, because he never did anything obviously horrible. He was just really unlikeable and my brain said red flag. I never said anything. Just went along with occasional interactions with him when I had to. Apparently, all her friends had the same reaction to him, but also never said anything. 15 years in, his criminal past finally came to light and the gut reaction I had now makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, my mum chose him over us and her grandchildren and we are now NC (all his children are NC with him as well so between them they now have no family).

It could simply be a matter of adjusting to the new normal, but if there are genuine concerns about this man that are raised, I would at least be open to exploring if there are any red flags you are overlooking.

The other women?

That just weird!

Your 'friends' sound quite extreme.
Can't say in my 50 odd years I've ever had a friend with an agenda such as you describe.

I'd be interested to know what comments - I have never told my parent that they shouldn't be with their partner, but I have privately asked them if they are happy and if they agree with certain comments and attitudes and behaviours and reassured them that I would support them if they choose to split - but then I'm coming from the child's perspective here... I think it's really rude to keep making comments that you know are divisive and make another person uncomfortable, so therefore I think I'm within my rights to also be rude and roll my eyes and comment on what a stupid comment I think that was. Im not going to sit there and laugh or nod along for my parents sake, because I think it's rude behaviour that speaks to someone's character and therefore I'm not going to contribute towards minimising it, im going to let them show themselves up - and that doesn't happen if everyone around them agrees/tries to ignore as the comments just keep happening. Appreciate this is just my personal experience. Again, dont think anyone should really be saying 'you need to break up' unless there's abuse going on. But I have a friend in a similar situation and her mum genuinely believes the man makes her happy, while my friend watches the man grind her down into a shadow of her former self...
Ultimately if the child has a problem, then both they and you might need to accept that it will mean a change in the relationship/how much you see each other. But they shouldn't be dictating.

You cannot make your son like your partner if he doesn't want to, maybe he just isn't his cup of tea?
Just because you get on well with DP doesn't mean everyone in your life should too.
Just keep then separate for the moment, forcing time together is never going to end well.

Exactly this. Unless there are proper reasons they don’t like them (rude, lazy, selfish, not nice to you as examples) it’s really selfish for a grown adult to object to your relationship, and they should at least be civil to them.

Maybe you haven’t discussed it with them, or phrased it in those terms, and I’m not saying it is universal, but it does exist.

I don't understand the problem. They spend hardly any time together so does it matter if they like each other?

I think OP is worried that it will affect her relationship with her child long-term if they aren't comfortable being around her partner. It will inevitably lead to her child not wanting to come and spend time with her and that, I hope, would worry most people. Most people want harmony and if they are going to meat a new partner, for that partner to integrate into their exisiting family. For me it wouldn't be worth having a partner if it means that it divides the family I already have.

I think the comments matter. When it comes to people we really like, our judgement can be way off the mark. It’s possible that he might be giving off bad vibes to your DC with his comments or behaviour that you’re normalising or laughing off but that actually have bad undertones that your DC can sense, and perhaps the reason they don’t like you having boyfriends is because they don’t trust your judgement?

I adore my mum and if she was in a relationship and I didn’t like her boyfriend, I’d make it known no matter how old I was, I’d probably not see her as often and I’d also resent her for ignoring my signals and choosing a twat over me.

I don’t think there’s enough background information for us to really judge why your DC doesn’t like all your boyfriends and whether they have a good reason not to. You need to have the conversation and probably do some thinking and reflecting on it.