Porn usage?

[SnemonyLicket]

I’ve been seeing a really lovely man for around 4 months. The other day we were talking about our sexual fantasies and he said his was anal sex and a woman gagging on his penis during oral sex so badly it caused her mascara to run down her face. He also said about liking it “messy” as in the woman ends up a mess. I’m not going to lie, each to their own, but I was taken aback at what he said, particularly the gagging part and the messy part. It sounds extremely dominating and humiliating for the woman from my POV and almost territory marking. But anyway, I was talking to my friend about it earlier and she showed me some messages from a guy she had been seeing last year, and his fantasy was almost exactly the same as my guy’s. Anal, gagging, messy. If I hadn’t known for sure they were two different people I would have thought they were the same guy.

So anyway, this got me thinking…I’ve not watched porn for about 20 years now, but I can only assume that as two separate men have the exact same fantasy that this is what porn is now? Or am I wrong? Also, for those in the know is this main stream porn acts or is it something more niche? Is every guy I date in the future going to expect that same dominating type of sex because this is what they’ve been watching in mainstream porn or have my friend and I just been unlucky to have met two men who both happen to like the same type of sex?

Yep that's pretty much what porn is.

Didn’t Russell Brand say the mascara thing?
Fucking irritating these men assume the woman is bothering with mascara for sex with them.
definitely porn addled

Bin.

Just someone else whose idea of sex is based on pornhub….
I guess if you want anal and then he comes over you, then all’s well. If not, fuck him off now.

Just because it's his fantasy, doesn't mean you should make it reality. Fantasies are a normal human thing, some people act on them, others don't. If you're comfortable with making your partners fantasy a reality, go for it, if not, I don't feel I need to explain further but If he's pressuring you or won't let it go, end the relationship.

He thinks his dick is so huge it’ll gag you, Have you seen porn most of the BJ are only the tip with a hand wanking him off.

If you don’t want anal and he keeps going on about it tell you’d wear a strap on and fuck him in his arse

As for the mascara down the face and looking messy he wants a submissive woman who he can order about whilst pretending he’s in a porn
film

He’s a fucking twat

It’s not so much him pressuring me per se, and I definitely won’t do anything I don’t feel comfortable with just for his sake. It was more I was taken aback by it as he’s so lovely and considerate, and then he came out with that. And then when my friend showed me the messages it was a bit strange that two of them have the same fantasy. So now I’m worrying I throw him back but every man going forward is going to want the same type of sex. How depressing that this is what mainstream porn is.

Not every man watches porn or has those fantasies. If he's generally a decent bloke, you like him and he doesn't pressure you/accepts your boundaries, what's the issue?

Alternatively get back in the dating pool until you find a man who doesn't have porn related fantasies.

Porn now seems to be all about men get the pleasure and women get the humiliation. Too many men watch it and think either that's what women want or that it's what men deserve- to put a woman in her place. If he can't see it's not real then it doesn't say a lot for him

You'd have thought he had the common sense to keep that information to himself because it's just an indication of someone porn sick. As a ppl said above, Russell Brand said that to his 16 year old victim girlfriend. She eventually had to punch him in the stomach because he was choking her.

I think what I’m finding it hard to reconcile is that on the one side for 4 months I’ve seen a lovely, kind,
understanding man who seems very pro-women. On the hand he has a fantasy based on wanting to dominate and humiliate a woman. So it’s hard to put the two together. I kind of feel like the way he presents himself isn’t who he actually is. Or can real life and sexual desires be separate from each other? Does his need to dominate a woman during sex mean he really wants to do that in real life? I don’t know. I feel funny about it, like I don’t really know him.

I don’t think things like this are necessarily ‘harmless’ fantasies, I think they belie a deeply misogynistic attitude and I would tread with caution. In fact if this were me I wouldn’t take it further.
men who get off on women being visibly in pain and discomfort are a walking red flag.

Oh and you really know nothing about him in just four months. This is what he gets off on when no one is looking. This is who he is.

DP enjoys this too, he is totally lovely. Andrew tate types give me the ick. I think they can just want to have their cock size flattered and see you so overcome with lust you dont care about mess, running make up etc. Forgetting yourself.

he said his was anal sex and a woman gagging on his penis during oral sex so badly it caused her mascara to run down her face

That would a goodbye from me. His sexual fantasy is abuse OP. It doesn't just sound humiliating ^ dominating OP - is IS Humiliating & dominating. That's why he likes it.

What he likes belongs in the same bracket as licking toilet seats and being urinated on.

Don't be fooled by 'pro-women' views - plenty of men are manipulative & clever enough to parrot things like this to whoever they're dating in order to get their guard down. Same with political views. You're still at the stage where he's showing you his best and his current behaviour doesn’t necessarily reflect who he really is on the inside. Pay attention to those fantasies, because that's who he is when he feels he can relax.

"I’ve been seeing a really lovely man for around 4 months."

You haven't.

None of these fantasies are just men's. Plenty of women also enjoy those things

power dynamics are understandable, but anyone who gets off on women being in pain and humiliated would get a hard pass from me.

online porn has ruined society in so many ways.

Bin him.

He is testing your boundaries by telling you he gets off on the thought of a woman being humiliated/hurt.

A lot of dodgy guys are also very vocal about being pro-women and feminist. It is just another way to hide their true personality.

Most porn these days is grotesque at best, and is increasingly abusive.

On the occasions I looked at porn, it could be quite difficult to find something that was actually erotic and respectful. Worrying.

It really is, it’s horrific. It’s ruining relationships between men and women.
I have watched it in the past but I noticed how it was actually dulling my own response to pleasure. It causes changes in the brain so it makes sense.

given it’s all so violent and extreme now anyway, I wouldn’t use it again and I would be worried about a partner watching it now too whereas I wouldn’t so much previously.

Some very one sided views so far as usual. I’ve been with my wife for many years, it was her that brought up the gagging/messy make up fantasy. At first I wasn’t sure but we’re both consenting and its simply a bit of fun when we’re both in the mood.
If we’ve been out for the evening, once home we both find it a massive turn on.

Surely it depends on the circumstances, no harm done if discussed and boundaries set. I do agree automatically assuming this is standard is wrong.

Quite, and I had a similar experience.

I'm genuinely worried about the effects this stuff has on the current younger generation, especially after listening to the recent "AI and Sexism" article on R4. We seem to be spiralling to the bottom of a cesspit.

For me the gagging is verging on sexual violence.
Choking, slapping, spitting etc are the preserve of men that hate women it's not normal.

NC for this one..

I'd say 40-50% of porn is along these lines, with the rest being more niche and still an awful lot of 'normal' sex.

You'd be surprised how many women enjoy it as well - The last two I have dated have wanted the same, with no mention of it from me. Whether its become accepted that that's what men want BECAUSE of porn, i have no idea.

I see no issue with men ( and women ) expressing a fantasy. It becomes an issue when the fantasy will never become a reality and they keep pressurising or commenting about it.

I think Anal sex in relationships is pretty mainstream these days, i don't think its anywhere near as taboo as it was 10 years ago, The gagging and other 'porn sex' certainly isn't for everyone, but each to their own.

My current partner likes us to take it in turns to dominate, she loves the messy stuff and light slapping, but I fully understand its not everyone's cup of tea. Its her turn tonight, she'll no doubt have the strap on at the ready!