Porn usage?

[SnemonyLicket]

I’ve been seeing a really lovely man for around 4 months. The other day we were talking about our sexual fantasies and he said his was anal sex and a woman gagging on his penis during oral sex so badly it caused her mascara to run down her face. He also said about liking it “messy” as in the woman ends up a mess. I’m not going to lie, each to their own, but I was taken aback at what he said, particularly the gagging part and the messy part. It sounds extremely dominating and humiliating for the woman from my POV and almost territory marking. But anyway, I was talking to my friend about it earlier and she showed me some messages from a guy she had been seeing last year, and his fantasy was almost exactly the same as my guy’s. Anal, gagging, messy. If I hadn’t known for sure they were two different people I would have thought they were the same guy.

So anyway, this got me thinking…I’ve not watched porn for about 20 years now, but I can only assume that as two separate men have the exact same fantasy that this is what porn is now? Or am I wrong? Also, for those in the know is this main stream porn acts or is it something more niche? Is every guy I date in the future going to expect that same dominating type of sex because this is what they’ve been watching in mainstream porn or have my friend and I just been unlucky to have met two men who both happen to like the same type of sex?

@SnemonyLicketplease give us an update when you have had the chat I’m interested to hear what he says.

Well I spoke to him last night and when I asked him why he particularly wanted to do those things, he said he liked the feeling of being in full control and that it would feel like he owned me by being so rough, and that I was powerless against him. That he could do what he wanted to me and I wouldn’t be able to resist him and what he wanted. Plus the thought of “ruining” my face with his penis gagging me was a turn on. And then he must have seen the look of disgust on my face because then he back tracked and said that he was sorry and that he’d explained it badly and had made it sound worse than how he actually meant it. So I asked him to explain what he actually meant because I agreed that what he said sounded awful. He then waffled on trying to carefully pick his words to make it sound less dreadful before finally giving up because whatever way he explained it it sounded bad, so then he told me how beautiful I was and that he was falling in love with me. So yeah…he’s not the man for me.

Omg classic. Well, I’m glad you’ve proved my theory right OP but sorry he turned out to be a misogynistic prick…

True colours shining through!!

Yeah it’s a shame coz he had seemed so lovely and respectful, however, fantasy aside, rolling out the “you’re beautiful and I love you” to try and get himself out of trouble was the icing on the cake. So I can now add manipulative to the list of reasons why we wouldn’t work. Onwards and upwards!

I mean, most porn depicting the degradation and harm of women has the added bonus of actually harming, abusing and coercing women.

Not that most consumers of porn give a shiny shit about that. Whatever it takes to get your rocks off, eh?

I admire your ability to ask him directly and take action based on his response rather than internalising it all
and hoping you are wrong.
There are good men out there and you deserve the best.

@SnemonyLicket My reply is really from a very different perspective. I've never watched porn, so I realize that I'm in that small minority of females. However, I've been exposed to it, and it's effects, while working in police for a few years and then legal area for over 25 years. Most of that time has been in the UK (greater London area), plus 10 years in Ireland too.

People have their own internal lives. "What" we like, "who" we like, and so on. Much of that we keep internal and only shared a subset with other people, and for some in diaries. When it comes to relationships and sex, it will of course vary by the couple and the person.

The "what" we like is hugely influenced by porn. If you want to understand it more, then you'll have to look at some, but also read about the industry and the people.

In sexual assault and abuse cases the impact has been huge. This is something most of us working and researching in this area encounter first hand in our work. It's a topic I've also discussed with many people working in the area. If you take the case of "stranger rpe" and look what happens in those specific cases 30+ years ago versus today it is even more* horrific with things that just seldom happened in the past (it always was horrific of course). Men are replaying their porn influenced fantasies.

Porn has permeated our society and norms, even for women. This has a big impact on people's consensual personal relationship and in crime too.

I can't comment on your relationship, but you need to think about. Times have changed (and in some respects for the worse for women).

Thank you. I appreciate that. I think having had a previous partner who was obsessed with a specific sexual practice and put me under a huge amount of stress, pressure and manipulation to try and get his way, and it got to the point where I dreaded ever being alone with him because I knew he would try and wear me down again or try and force me to do what he wanted, it’s very much focused my mind on what I will and won’t accept in a relationship. The current (now ex) guy is incompatible with me.

NOPE, horrific. I’m glad you binned him OP

I second that

It rather shows you should keep your fantasies to yourself.

They’re not just fantasies though are they? They show who you are.

Well in my case I’m glad he didn’t. Although, given my reaction, maybe he’ll be more cautious next time, and end up dating someone more vulnerable than me, who isn’t able to advocate for herself or enforce her own boundaries who then has to deal with his fantasies.

You did really well Op, you asked for reasons and got an honest answer. His answer would have horrified me so you've made the best decision, why would any woman want a man who wants to treat her so badly

Bloody brilliant, @SnemonyLicket !

I know it's sad in some ways, but you know your worth and you drew a good strong clear boundary.

Really inspiring stuff. Fingers crossed that a man worthy of you will turn up soon.

I salute you OP. Some people would have compromised.

Anyone who likes this or justifies it should think about their daughters and whether they would want it for them.
The thought of it is sickening for.any rightminded person.

Sign of damage if you want to be treated this way.

Good old fashioned romance hey, you can't beat it. Bless him.