Friend hasn't paid me back

[LeoLassie]

I met a friend for a light lunch on Friday. She was running late due to traffic, so I ordered the food and paid. She said she'd pay me back but although we've exchanged a few messages since then, she hasn't mentioned the money.

It's only £10 so I feel a bit tight asking her to put it in my account - but at the same time, I don't like being taken for granted.

My friend has form for this and it drives me nuts. She's lovely (in many ways) but generosity isn't one of her strengths - and over the years, I’ve often ended up out of pocket in situations like this.

I hadn't seen her for around 18 months (we live in different cities), so asking for the money back feels even more petty somehow. But at the same time, it's really grating on me. Just the principle of it, I suppose...

If you want to continue the friendship, next time you meet you say “it’s your turn as I paid last time”.

She has taken you for granted again. I would ask for the money and have no compunction in doing so; after all she has form for this.

She is not a friend to you if you are treated like this repeatedly. I would let the friendship slide going forward and make no further effort in contacting her.

I'd say something like "How do you want to do it re lunch? Pay me or you buy lunch next time"?

This

I would either chalk it up to experience and not pay for her next time OR send a polite text with your bank details but not chase it again after that if she doesn't repay you (and revert to 'chalk it up to experience....')

I have a friend like this.

It grates too hard on me to ignore the small amounts now. I would 💯 message and say "Lovely to catch up last week . Here are my bank details for lunch in case you don't have them. Can you send me the 10 pounds for lunch this week. Let's catch up again next time I'm in town"

I would send it in the evening if they work during the day. If I didn't get a response within. A few days I would follow up.

I'd let it go tbh. You went ahead and ordered and paid despite knowing what she was like. I'd have just ordered myself a drink and waited until she arrived to order the food.

You knew she has form for ignoring money owed.
Chalk it up to experience - and never lend her a penny again. You know you'll never get it back.

I get ya OP. I know someone like this too. My friend has asked me to buy things when I've been out and about. This were small things here and there - milk, bread etc BUT collectively they all add up. I once paid for a joint shop and she was going to pay me back half. She never did. It was £10 each. It meant I paid for her hairspray and a few other bits, it really grated on me and clearly still does !

So there are a few lessons here, OP.

First is that when you lend money, the best way to get it back is to ask for it. Just say "you still owe me a tenner, do you want to give me cash or transfer it?"

Second, you have to stop loaning your "friend" money because you clearly have difficulty "using your words" as the MN expression has it

Third, you have to learn to wait and order food when she is there. Just get a drink for you, and then wait.

There is possibly another lesson here if you are constantly waiting for her, and that is to be late yourself, or bin her off.

Ha ha - I do have trouble using my words @Brefugee I admit I’m a people pleaser and I want to change because I’m finding I feel increasingly resentful in situations like this. I just find it really hard to be direct, though.

On this occasion though, we were only meeting for a short time so I had to order the food - time was too short. And she’s not generally late, there was a road accident.

Hi op let it go dont be stung next time though. My friend quite tight. At till girl said is it both lunches I said no just mine. Lol. You have be direct with these people!

but then you order your own food and she orders hers.

sorry, the "people pleaser" thing is the MN excuse du jour for avoiding uncomfortable situations. You need to work on that!

I hate bringing these things up too and would probably say

Hey friend just realised I haven't given you my bank details so you can transfer me the tenner for lunch [and attach bank details]

that way it doesn't sound like your chasing or accusing her of not paying yet gets the point across

This takes me back to student days. There was always one person in each group of friends who would arrive late so they didn't have to get the round in. Your friend, IMHO, planned to have you pay for her lunch.

This and I did similar with a theatre ticket- only it was more than £10. I asked her once politely, she didn’t do it despite saying she would so I messaged her again, a lot less politely.

Going forward I have decided I will simply not sort anything out on her behalf without payment up front. I like her and in her case I know she will pay me eventually, but it’s just rude not to pay someone back asap, particularly when they have gone to the trouble of organising something.

My Dsis is like this. She earns a 6 figure salary (I’m nowhere near it) and she will ask me to buy something for our parents and she will “send the cash over”. She never does. I’ve now just sent her the link for things now and half the cash. Some people don’t realise that a throwaway amount for them can be all you have in your purse.

"Give me the money you owe me now."

Never pay for her again, she's tight as a tick.

I had a friend like this, luckily I'm not above nagging 😂 shouldn't have to mind! No reason she couldn't of sent in there and then, she has no intention of paying you back unless you ask for it. And you should definitely ask for it! If any pushback about It's only "£10" flip it, exactly so send it over.

Send her your bank details with a "Sorry I forgot to give you these". If she ignores chase in a week - make out you are worried her payment has gone astray. Don't let this go or resentment will kill the friendship anyway. It's not really about the amount involved.

Yeah I think this too. It's so sly.

Think about it this way.

Instead of worrying how you'll come across asking for YOUR money back, consider that she clearly isn't bothered about how she is coming across by not giving you your money back.

So why should you worry?

Yeah do this.

If it was a one off or I knew they’d offer to pay next time I’d have just let it go, but if she’s a serial tight arse you need to follow it up.

"My friend has form for this"
And will continue to have you out of pocket if you let this slide. Message her the details to repay you.

I’d push for this. As others have said, just drop her a text saying “hey, here are my bank details, are you okay to send the £10 over for lunch?”
You shouldn’t feel awkward or cheeky for asking for what’s rightly yours, she’s the one who’s being cheeky and she doesn’t seem to care, so why should you? I think £10 is well worth asking for, if on principle more than anything.