Friend hasn't paid me back

[LeoLassie]

I met a friend for a light lunch on Friday. She was running late due to traffic, so I ordered the food and paid. She said she'd pay me back but although we've exchanged a few messages since then, she hasn't mentioned the money.

It's only £10 so I feel a bit tight asking her to put it in my account - but at the same time, I don't like being taken for granted.

My friend has form for this and it drives me nuts. She's lovely (in many ways) but generosity isn't one of her strengths - and over the years, I’ve often ended up out of pocket in situations like this.

I hadn't seen her for around 18 months (we live in different cities), so asking for the money back feels even more petty somehow. But at the same time, it's really grating on me. Just the principle of it, I suppose...

That’s a great point. I’m going to message her - she’s coming across v badly!! Its been going on for years, somehow I’m always the one who pays extra 😬

I ordered 3 train tickets. One friend paid me and the other said can I pay you on pay day? That is then awkward as she hadn’t mentioned paying on pay day before. So I said ok as it was on my credit card, which meant I had a month to pay it before I got charged interest. On pay day she messaged the group chat to say she had been signed off sick.
Obviously I’m sorry she is unwell but I literally can’t afford to pay for her. I sent a few messages about her being unwell but about 4 days later I messaged again saying can you transfer the £60 as I need to pay it off my credit card. She transferred the money and said she had forgotten. So the whole thing is stressful. I would never let someone pay for something for me if I wasn’t going to transfer it to them without needing to be reminded.
some people say they just forget but I don’t really get it. Do they have so much money that this sort of thing doesn’t matter to them. If so then they should be the ones booking and paying for things. Anyway my point is you will need to just ask. You shouldn’t have to but it’s that or do without the money.

I need more context to be able to form an opinion. Did you ask to see her, or did she ask to see you? You said you live in different cities, was she driving over to see you, how many miles?

I was visiting her city for another reason and we were happy for the chance to catch up. I had already spent quite a bit on travel and various other things - so it all adds up.
Actually, if it wasn’t typical, I wouldn’t bother to chase it and would happily pay for her. But it’s been going on for years I’m afraid!

You are being taken for a fool OP . She's no friend of yours . She's a con artist , you should ghost her, she is never going to change .

My friend has form for this

I wouldn't be remotely surprised that she's done it again then.

I'd text my bank details, in an 'oh, I didn't give you this earlier' and don't let her change the topic.

Don't ever pay for both again-I'd wait or just order my own.

£10 is about 40 minutes labour on minimum wage you are giving away, rather like having worked that period for nothing! Ask for the money and break the behaviour.

I would let it go, tell myself it was lovely to see her again and that was well worth the money.

The longer you build up resentment, the worse you will feel. Don't let it fester into a sore which will never heal.

No one is worth that.

There can be two reasons for her not paying you back by now:

1. She's genuinely forgotten - in which case she will be grateful for the reminder
2. She doesn't intend to pay you back - in which case she isn't a good friend, and you shouldn't be worried about offending her

Did She suggest that you ordered because she was in traffic!

I would let it go
HOWEVER
I totally get where you are coming from as this has recently happened to me although it was petrol and parking.

My CF friend (who also has form for this) I picked her up from her house (3miles) then drove the both of us to a show we booked (85 miles) and then I paid £10 to park my car. Then drove us home again- dropping her off first.
she didnt even say THANKS let alone offer money for petrol or parking.

but I’ve decided to let it slide and I won’t get myself into that position again with her

A very good idea.

I too work out how long it takes to earn money for anything. I think it is a good idea to bring children up the same way, even if you have to tell them how much you earn, and how you earn it.

It is one important thing that helps children understand income and expenditure.

She probably just forgot ! Just message, "Do you have my bank details BTW about the payment? Thanks lovely."

I'm bad at remembering things like this and really appreciate friends reminding me and not taking it personally - I forgive them for other stuff!

I wouldn't give my bank details to someone who owed me money.

For £10 I wouldn’t ask personally, but it’s your money and you’ve every right to ask for her to pay. You could just say, oh I forgot you give you my bank details, or just wanted to check if you’d paid the money in as a friend had a bit of trouble last time. Or of course just say, just a reminder about the £10 for lunch.

"context" here doesn't matters. The so called friend has form for never sticking her hand in her measles pocket and voluntarily paying back for the lunch she had at @LeoLassie expense. It's behaviour she's got used to, some people see friends as a walking talking ATM

One friend paid me and the other said can I pay you on pay day? That is then awkward as she hadn’t mentioned paying on pay day before.

it's these kind of excuses that really show the person for who they are. Using payday as an excuse, means the person came out knowing they didn't have the money to pay their way, but still came out anyway and expected a friend to finance them and not bother to reimburse them. Or else it was just an excuse not to pay hoping the person would forget.

ive had someone say they had their card stolen then expected me to pay, then it was every excuse under the sun for months and months, and then finally when they did pay, they had a go at me for asking.

@LeoLassie dont feel in the least bit bad about asking for your money back and if they don't do right by you, leave it to them to initiate the next meet up and pick your moment to tell them they owe you money so you're hoping it will be their turn to pay,

But this is the problem, this so called friend relies on the fact it's only £10, except it was £10 the previous time and another £10 before that and on it goes. Letting it go is exactly what this person wants, rather than giving the OP respect by paying their way.

I had this with a friend a few years ago , whenever tickets to events were booked it was always can you book ( and pay ) because I’m at work , out for the evening , grocery shopping etc and I’ll pay you back . Of course she never did . It does build resentment because I’d not treat people like that . It helped when we met some of her work colleagues who joked she was always the one last to the bar , forgot her wallet , cards cancelled . Was nice knowing her tightness wasn’t just aimed at me . In the end I had to ask and she did get a bit snipy but has never done it again . Realising your friend is tight is not nice but it gives you an edge to be aware of how they might take advantage .

@LeoLassie ypu day she has form . What else has she done ?
Id just send a txt “hey can you ping over that £10 for lunch please “

She’s not your friend, I am afraid.
Shes not a flake as she has form.
She has let you pay for her lunch and not sent the money to you.
She doesn’t give a toss about the position she’s put you in. It’s not about it being a £10 debt, it is the sheer disrespect.
Personally, I wouldn’t bother with someone who treated me like this.
Why bother?

If you read comments on this thread, you'll see how much most people really don't like that behaviour. If you borrow it's your responsibility to remember and repay. Do you really think that's beyond you/unimportant?

Just send her a message with your bank details saying “just in case you’ve lost them here’s my bank details for the £10 lunch I leant you”.
Or send her a message “don’t worry about the £10 lunch but the next one is on you is that ok”?
my best friend I’d let it slide and forget about it, but others I’d probably send the message.

I have a personal rule, created from experience.
I NEVER lend or advance money to anyone I wouldn't be comfortable asking for it.
If I were you, I'd ask for it. Politely of course.
But in the future, before pulling out your wallet, ask yourself if you'd be comfortable just sending a quick reminder. If not, don't pay.

I have a friend like this.
I ve known her practically all of my life.
She s very important to me.
We meet regularly.
We ve fallen into a routine of taking turns paying for lunch/ coffee.
On days it's her turn she always says she s short of time ( so quick cuppa, no lunch) or on a diet ( so very light lunch), she often says" lets go half each " ,although I ve paid for her full meal the last time..You get the picture.
She s defo not short of cash.
It Is a bit annoying ,but I ve got used to it and find it amusing ,wondering what excuses she ll come up with next.I d never say anything to her.
I just think she s a bit tight.At most I m out of pocket by paying once every 2 or 3 months .
My friend is otherwise great company, a great friend.I wouldn t want to be without her.
We all have our little personality traits and can be annoying for one reason or another.If the friendship is important to you ;let it go.

I had a friend like this. I was out of pocket for two hotel rooms at one point, but I was too meek to broach the subject. As it turned out, we fell out over unrelated behaviours of hers that also weren’t great. Though I wish I’d just asked for it back directly. I would now, because I’m older and more confident.