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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Silver Anniversary gift disappointed.

57 replies

AngieH2000 · 14/06/2025 23:30

It was our silver Wedding Anniversary and I bought my husband a Tag heuer watch. Which he loves. He asked me what I wanted and I said memory of place I always wanted to visit. Rome, Iceland. Etc. This was at the beginning of the year. ( I'm allergic to jewellery, so pointless getting anything like that)! As the mouths went by and the watch had Been bought 5 months before the Anniversary.. My husband said we have no funds to go away to Iceland or Rome and booked our usual self catering cottage in Wales and Said that will be my gift. Slightly disappointed, I made the best of the trip away and did enjoy it, as I usually do every year. Our anniversary came and got chocolates and sparking wine and a lovely card.

A few days later my husband says, "oh I'm off to trial a new motorcycle." Thinking of changing his 2019 one.
Oh OK.. He's looked at a saving account he had for years and the money would come out of that. I encourage him to have what he wants while he can. So wasn't unhappy with that, but felt cheated in my memory holiday and no suggestion of one in the furture. He has done this on my 40th birthday and recently my 50th too.. In fact I can't use the suggested pressie ( insta 360 camera) as ihe had such an argument, I nearly split from him. He has big insecurities about money, he has ptsd and it manifests itself into this. He buys himself stuff, drone, bits for the bike etc but never me. I feel I can't touch our joint account and give him almost the mortgage money each month plus get the shopping. Even if I can't afford it, he wants the money I'm self employed. He also has anger issues, so have become a passive person and just except things, but lately it makes my heart sink and I just feel unloved. Also concerned for my future with him. Am I being unfair.

OP posts:
BrickHare · 14/06/2025 23:34

Why you with him? Not once in this post have you mentioned that you love him or he loves you, or what type of person he is. Stop being passive and just excepting things. You don’t need approval to leave, but you do sound miserable. I think you’re being unfair to yourself . Leave op

EllasNonny · 14/06/2025 23:42

He's a prick. He clearly has the money, but doesn't think you're worth it. He has shown you over and over who he is, believe him.

Kattley · 14/06/2025 23:59

Have you calmly told him you are disappointed and why? Unless you talk to him and say directly what the issue is then there is no chance to resolve it. You said he has anger issues - does he threaten you or is he violent? If so then your safety comes first

ErrolTheDragon · 15/06/2025 00:01

Unfair on yourself, for sure.Flowers

CandyLeBonBon · 15/06/2025 00:02

You had an argument about a camera that you wanted? But he’ll go out and buy himself a new motorbike worth thousands? With anger issues? He sounds awful. Why are you with him?

CastorWheels · 15/06/2025 00:08

You should be hoping he rides of into the sunset with that bike.

He's selfish.

DoYouReally · 15/06/2025 00:21

Sell watch.
Go to Rome or Iceland alone.

TheSandgroper · 15/06/2025 01:23

Wear the watch yourself.

biggestcatmom · 15/06/2025 01:36

Sell the watch and go to Rome, it’s a beautiful city and easy to find your way around

StrawberryWater · 15/06/2025 03:09

Oh get rid and enjoy your life. He's an asshole.

Otherwise you'll just let resentment build and you'll end up waiting for his death to enjoy your life again and that's not healthy.

pikkumyy77 · 15/06/2025 03:19

Why buy gor him st all? Why celebrate the anniversary with a gift? He treats you horribly all year ‘round.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 15/06/2025 03:28

What does this man bring to your life (positives)?

Oblomov25 · 15/06/2025 05:49

What a bullying prick. Why do you put up with this shit?

YellowGrey · 15/06/2025 05:53

Surely you knew this was going to happen (again) so why did you get him an expensive watch?!

Stolenyouth · 15/06/2025 06:02

Time to set up some boundaries. What stopping you from saying you can’t afford to pay into the joint funds sometimes? He may have issues around money but now you do too because you see your own savings and wants aren’t treated with the same priority as his.
Start your own savings. Prioritise them. If (when) he moans point out he has given himself more than you for years so you’re matching his energy. Then stay firm.

FamilyPhoto · 15/06/2025 06:41

You know you're in funancial abuse territory if he demands money that you might not have and he is sitting on a pile of personal.savings, right ?
Ive also been married 25 years - your H is angry and mean . Please get outside support.

AngieH2000 · 15/06/2025 07:17

I do love him and he tells me he loves me daily. ( hence why I bought the watch) Also tells me I'm beautiful. Etc . I bought the watch because of the promise of the holiday. Which obviously didn't happen. I felt it should be a very special gift because of the occasion silver anniversary.

My life is good apart from this aspect. If I didn't pay the mortgage money to him, we would not be able to afford to live in our nice home. I was the main bread winner when we first started our relationship, as he was starting a fresh after the Air force (came out after being diagnosed with ptsd) , he studied in IT and Now he earns much more than me, but I. think it hasn't changed in his head.

The ptsd makes him very angry, so I don't bring it up. Should I say he puts holes in walls physically Never me., but scary all the same. 97% of the time, we laugh and joke together and have real fun.. Just this behaviour gets to me and I feel lost and concerned ifor my future. We are not poor, don't have children, I work 3 jobs, but as I get older (now 50,) it gets more difficult.. Just want pay a little less, so it eases my stress, I can lose one of my jobs and feel appreciated. .

The money for the motorbike was an extra saving account of £10000 plus his £11000 worth of motorbike to get the new one, which I know their was some change for my holiday.. Instead he talked about extras for it. I just felt deflated.
I hope that helps you understand my situation.

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 15/06/2025 07:20

Are you confident that punching walls is not a domestically abusive behaviour designed to intimidate you and keep you in line?

MoreChocPls · 15/06/2025 07:23

Why are you giving over so much money?

CestLaVieYouSee · 15/06/2025 07:24

At this stage of the marriage I think you will just have to accept this as the price of remaining together or assess if it’s fair on you and look for a divorce. I think it’s 99% behaviour won’t sea change now.

gerispringer · 15/06/2025 07:25

Maybe he needs therapy for the ptsd or you need couples therapy where you can safely discuss your feelings.

springintoaction321 · 15/06/2025 07:31

Hmmm I hadn't realised that having PTSD makes you as tight as a duck's arse.

You are not being unreasonable at all OP and it sounds like he manipulates you to get his own way with things, using PTSD as an excuse. Not nice.

I sure as hell wouldn't be working 3 jobs to give him an expensive watch and a nice lifestyle. I would recommend you visit Rome (or wherever) on your own or with a friend who can pay their own way.

Doingmybest12 · 15/06/2025 07:36

You are only being unfair to your self as an answer to your question. If you are afraid to say how you feel because of his anger then that's a worry. Don't accept him carry on treating you like this. Who said the ptsd comes out in ways about money?

Poynsettia · 15/06/2025 07:40

You are. Relatively young - how do you see retirement when he isn’t earning lots to pay for motorbikes etc -I would have serious rethink, how safe are you if you say you want to leave and take the house?

AngieH2000 · 15/06/2025 07:47

He discovered he had an old pension, that he could cash in. Our joint savings that I feel I can't touch, He saves for our holidays and if I didn't give him the money, we would not get away, and believe me after working the jobs I need one or 2 a year. I've saved up a bit and I'm blessed to inherit a 911 Porsche 5 years ago. which I maintain at my own expense. He at one stage told me I should sell it and pay the mortgage off.I held my ground and refused. Which caused anger issues a few years ago and a large hole in a wall with a fist. I'm a petrol head and love it to bits. It's my way if escape. Also joined the local club and made good friends

Im going to the councillor now and slowly discussing this issue. I have a condition called face dysmorphia. Which has manifested itself probably because of this and past issues. So have no confidence. One of my jobs is a mature model in a London agency - I('ve done it since I was 12) so I can't be too bad, but when I see myself I see a monster in the mirror. It also comes with dark thoughts. I'm gradually getting better.

Also I'm 50 now and feel I'm too old to start a fresh who would want me etc? . As I said I do love him life is good, if money wasn't the stress.

He has had lots of counselling for the ptsd and is on constant meds, which has made him less angry. Just the money thing brings it out.

OP posts: