Silver Anniversary gift disappointed.

[AngieH2000]

It was our silver Wedding Anniversary and I bought my husband a Tag heuer watch. Which he loves. He asked me what I wanted and I said memory of place I always wanted to visit. Rome, Iceland. Etc. This was at the beginning of the year. ( I'm allergic to jewellery, so pointless getting anything like that)! As the mouths went by and the watch had Been bought 5 months before the Anniversary.. My husband said we have no funds to go away to Iceland or Rome and booked our usual self catering cottage in Wales and Said that will be my gift. Slightly disappointed, I made the best of the trip away and did enjoy it, as I usually do every year. Our anniversary came and got chocolates and sparking wine and a lovely card.

A few days later my husband says, "oh I'm off to trial a new motorcycle." Thinking of changing his 2019 one.
Oh OK.. He's looked at a saving account he had for years and the money would come out of that. I encourage him to have what he wants while he can. So wasn't unhappy with that, but felt cheated in my memory holiday and no suggestion of one in the furture. He has done this on my 40th birthday and recently my 50th too.. In fact I can't use the suggested pressie ( insta 360 camera) as ihe had such an argument, I nearly split from him. He has big insecurities about money, he has ptsd and it manifests itself into this. He buys himself stuff, drone, bits for the bike etc but never me. I feel I can't touch our joint account and give him almost the mortgage money each month plus get the shopping. Even if I can't afford it, he wants the money I'm self employed. He also has anger issues, so have become a passive person and just except things, but lately it makes my heart sink and I just feel unloved. Also concerned for my future with him. Am I being unfair.

@AngieH2000 if the joint account is actually joint then, yes, you can use it.

However, push harder with the counselling and don’t worry if someone else would have you. Learn the joys of living on your own.

Punching walls is deeply abusive. I bet he doesn’t do it at work to either his boss or his subordinate. He does it because he likes the way you behave afterwards makes him feel. So he does it again.

You must look to leave. Please make plans. Mumsnet will help, now matter how long it takes you.

Talk about the issues, don’t keep them in (unless you think he might harm you of course). Plan the holiday you want and discuss the budget for it. Make it clear that you will not accept this going forward. He will have to change his behaviour if he wants to stay with you - if you’re ready to change your own stance yourself first.

I don’t think the issue is your anniversary but the fact he seems to be rinsing you financially. You are paying the lion share of everything - he sounds greedy saving his money for what he wants in life, you are being used op. He is financially taking advantage of you and your chronic lack of self confidence is making you feel like you have no choice, but you have plenty of choice.

He doesn’t care about you otherwise he wouldn’t take advantage of you in this way. He has got a great set up for very little effort and when you pipe up with any dissent he quickly closes it down with violence.

Punching a wall because you don’t get your own way isn’t ptsd, it’s domestic abuse. Have you ever engaged with any domestic abuse courses or learning?

I also think you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Love this.

You feel unloved because you ARE unloved. Why are you still with this selfish prick?

Also, you should discuss this with your therapist “Also I'm 50 now and feel I'm too old to start a fresh who would want me etc”

it’s a very unhealthy thought. First of all, plenty of us are over 50 and happily single. Second, there’s no reason why you couldn’t meet someone else, but even if you didn’t, you are a full person. You don’t need someone like him in your life, treating you like shit while draining your confidence and your bank account

This really isn't about gifts. If you were in a contented marriage, the lack of gifts wouldn't matter. But you sound very unhappy, OP, so maybe it's time to make some changes?

@AngieH2000 So, you’re a model, that drives a Porsche? I’m willing to bet loads of men would want you!!!
But seriously….please know that you’re worth so much more than this. You have no dependant children and seem as though you have the means to be financially independent - you don’t NEED to be with someone that doesn’t appreciate you, has abusive traits and makes you feel worthless. Please do consider how your life could be without having to tip-toe around, and work yourself in to an early grave, just so your partner doesn’t have to pay many bills and can spend his own income on himself and his hobbies. Sending love xxx

If I didn't pay the mortgage money to him, we would not be able to afford to live in our nice home.

I hope your name is on this mortgage?

You are in a relationship where there's voilence and financial abuse. No amount to tell you he loves you and your beautiful compensates for that.

Have you told your therapist about those things?

If I were you, I would sell the watch and the porsche and set yourself up somewhere safer and better for yourself.

Clearly you value 25 years with him more than he values 25 years with you.

When we had our 30th wedding anniversary I bought myself some pearls and matching earrings. Told DH I had, because I knew he wouldn't. He just said "OK, nice, how much?". And transferred the money to me. I bought them because he wouldn't- not that way inclined.

However, he pays the bills, doesn't take my money, inputs in other ways and doesn't have any anger issues.

You have settled. You need to unsettle. Nobody should have to tread on eggshells.

Your posts are quite heartbreaking. I hope, one day, you find the courage to leave him.
He's a nasty, abusive undeserving twat.

He says he loves you. Look at how he behaves. Does he behave as though he loves you? No. He only tells you he loves you to make you stay, and accept that his unpleasant nature is due to PTSD and outside his control.

When you've had big conflicts in the past, he's punched holes through walls. I'm guessing you don't want him to do it again, so you have modified your behaviour so try not 'make' him do it again. So he has basically manipulated you into changing yourself to appease him, and so you back down in arguments. After all, if he could punch a wall that hard... the threat is there. He could punch you that hard too if he wanted to.

If I were you, I would take exactly half of what is in the joint bank account + savings (plus the cost of a lovely solo trip to Iceland or wherever) and leave him. Take your Porsche and go.

Please contact women’s aid. The wall punching thing is part of abuse. It’s not ok. Neither is his financial abuse. Are very least, do the freedom programme.

I feel so upset for you. Our silver wedding in April was marked with a watch for him and a custom made diamond ring for me. You deserve so much better than this.

I know the anniversary disappointment is the thing most important to you right now, but the last half of your OP and subsequent posts are truly sad.

I really think you need counselling to leave him. He's using his issues ro abuse you.

Why doesn't his PTSD stop him getting nice things for himself, but you must fund him and have nothing in return?

Dear Op
Youve opened up heartbreakingly honestly. I feel you have been conditioned to not make a fuss for the sake of peace. It’s a learned behavior to avoid upset or confrontation from a partner, in doing so you have lost confidence and he has gained more. More confidence and certainly more control.

‘Financially,- your H is taking advantage every which way. Your passiveness is enabling his selfishness - and he’s not at all embarrassed too be taking full advantage. Emotionally he is not seeing ‘you’ in terms of your hopes and dreams, you stay silent in fear of another one of his outbursts. I feel so sad for you. Your lack of financial as well as emotional support. Your life, in a sentence, revolves around his PTSD.

And as for your comment - who would want me at 50 if I left him….(or words similar), why ever do you think you are not worth enough? If you decide to leave, and quietly, I think a trial time apart might be beneficial for you both, for you to realise you are more than enough on your own. You truly don’t need anyone else to be complete, you are enough. Good luck.

I feel so sad. The rest of our marriage is good. If you met him you'd like him. Not sure now what to do. You've opened my eyes to how I've been treated. I feel very much trapped. I can't afford to move out. I only have a small amount of money that I use for the porsche. To sell the porsche It would be while. Also I'd be Scared of telling him, not only the anger side, I don't like upsetting him. He has barely any family left, so he would be totally on his own. As I said I still love him. It looks like I'm a hopeless case.

He's using you and you are letting him OP. You need to stop excusing him for his treatment of you .
You can't go on like this much longer you must have terrible stress levels . I am so sorry OP . Please get help from somewhere .

It doesn’t have to be the nuclear option yet but it doesn’t sound as if either of you really communicate. I’d suggest seeing a counsellor together or individually and this will give you both a chance to reset your relationship and for you state how your marriage has to be in the future for it to work equally.. unfortunately, many couples fall into this trap but if both of you want to make the marriage work then it can.

He sounds mean, selfish and frightening.

sometimes anniversaries make us look at the reality of relationships and maybe a special holiday would have helped ‘make up’ for any short falls but without this, these issues are more glaring.

You aren't a hopeless case.

You are chosing to because you're scared of better.

I wonder if some counselling would help. He definitely could do with some to help with the PTSD. You’d probably both benefit from some couple counselling. That could be the best silver wedding present he could possibly give you. I hope you find a way through, you sound like a lovely woman.