I’m the other woman

[softlysoft]

Sadly actually, one of many other women. Started dating a man. He absolutely swept me off my feet. Gorgeous, attentive, charming and charismatic. Fast forward 7 months and I’m an absolute shell of a person. There were many red flags and I overlooked them because no one can be THAT good a liar, right? Turns out he’s a psychopath and a narcissist and he’s turned me completely inside out. After much digging around and Miss Marple-ing, it turns out my spidey senses were right and he is indeed married. I have ended it, but I feel sick. The broken promises, the lies, the endless deceit. The fake futuring, the chaos and confusion. I’m both humiliated and broken hearted. I can’t stop thinking about him. I know he’s a liar. He’s toxic and an absolute pig, but still. I just don’t know how to move forward. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Look - you got taken in by an expert. Be proud that you do not share his evil expertise and are simply a normal decent human being. Move forward with your head held high.

The only other women I have any sympathy for are the ones who knew nothing about the wife.

I’m so sorry he was such a manipulative cheat. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Stay true to your moral compass and keep him blocked.

I would absolutely tell the wife as well, I would not and could not be party to the removal of another persons personal agency.

How he could hide that he is married for 7 months? Have you never been to his?

If you can afford try therapy to help to get your head straight. At least you are not married to him...

You have used your suspicions to find out the truth and have ended it. You will recover in time, continue to be strong.

Remember, you could be his wife, stuck with him for the long term, either totally oblivious to his lies or unwilling/unable to leave him.

You have walked away, you have definitely got the better deal and will see that in time.

You deserve better than this man. Would you ever choose a lying, cheat?

(Adding, my ExH had another woman, I walked away, I deserved better than a man like him)

Sadly the most charming, attentive, passionate men are usually the players and cheaters, then nice normal men don’t compare. We want the passion but the passionate ones are usually like that with everyone.
If a woman finds a charming, loving, funny, attentive, handsome man who only has eyes for her then she has struck gold.

Some have been taken in for longer. It happens, unfortunately.
@softlysoft you’ve been a victim of fraud and I think it will take a while to get over this. Don’t rush it. Don’t blame yourself. It happened to a good friend of mine - she’s okay now (just - obviously- very careful and picky) so people do recover, it might feel like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Hold your head up

That charming man you thought you met, well he never existed. It was just a mask.

You’ve done well to find out and extract yourself.

All you can do now is keep busy, ask friends to invite you to everything and start doing some things you maybe gave up to be with him. Maybe have a few sessions with a therapist to help you work through your feelings.

These men are very good at what they do. They have no usual conscience or empathy. Don’t feel bad that you were taken in. Be very glad you aren’t married to the arsehole.

The best revenge by the way against a narc is to completely ignore them forever, even if they try their best hoovering.

You’ll be OK 💐

@Mischanceyes, definitely an expert. He molded himself into what I wanted him to be. I opened myself up to him and he swooped right in knowing exactly which buttons to press. A master manipulator

@PoliteEagle no. Because of some story he spun me which of course in the early stages I fell for. It’s been 7 months with gaps when I had to grey rock him because I felt so strongly that something was off. But then he always found a way to suck me back into his evil web. Until I had my evidence.

Sounds a bit like my ex wife

She didnt have an affair but was certainly making herself out to be something she wasnt

@Bittenonce yes it absolutely is fraud. He wore a mask. And it turns out most likely a different mask for each of us. I feel so unbelievably sick. He is so repulsive.. yet… my emotions are so mixed up.

@Catooexactly. Exactly exactly. You have expressed it better than I could. I have been hoovered several times. I just wish I could stop feeling so mixed up. It’s finished but I almost feel like I am as well. He was so disgustingly sneaky. But my head is like spaghetti. My heart feels shattered

So sorry OP. How did you find out? Will you tell his wife?

I’m sorry you went through that. Just be grateful you can see the truth now even if your heart takes a moment to catch up with your head.

Just imagine being married to him. That poor woman. It hurts but you are very lucky and focus on how much more time you could have wasted. It’s like an addiction, the longer you’re exposed the harder it is to break.

Maybe once you have healed you can reach out to the wife. It could very well be that he’s gaslit her so badly she is just waiting for proof of his lies. And if she doesn’t want to know then you did what you could.

Look, you had some second hand dick for a while. That's all.

Tell his wife

Actually, can be third or fourth.
OP, if you hadn't already would be a good idea to do STD tests.

Will you tell his wife? You don’t have to but…poor woman.

I totally recommend the book, Just Got Real. You will see yourself and those other women. In the book, they nail his ass.

@Eyesopenwideawakeit was rather more than that

Thank you all. I’ve had every test it’s possible to have. Completely clear. Every cloud eh

Sad to say, it probably wasn't for him.

What are you trying to achieve?

If this guy truly is a narcissist then you will be grieving big time for a while as its abuse plain and simple.

They lift you up so high then bang go silent leaving you feeling so confused and also asking what have i done wrong?

It will take time but you will get over him.

Thank your lucky stars that you've escaped, they only love what you can give them and once they drain you they discard and are constantly looking for new supply. He probably has a few in the background as they crave constant attention.

They do sometimes try to come back so block him on everything.

Why are you being so nasty?