I’m the other woman

[softlysoft]

Sadly actually, one of many other women. Started dating a man. He absolutely swept me off my feet. Gorgeous, attentive, charming and charismatic. Fast forward 7 months and I’m an absolute shell of a person. There were many red flags and I overlooked them because no one can be THAT good a liar, right? Turns out he’s a psychopath and a narcissist and he’s turned me completely inside out. After much digging around and Miss Marple-ing, it turns out my spidey senses were right and he is indeed married. I have ended it, but I feel sick. The broken promises, the lies, the endless deceit. The fake futuring, the chaos and confusion. I’m both humiliated and broken hearted. I can’t stop thinking about him. I know he’s a liar. He’s toxic and an absolute pig, but still. I just don’t know how to move forward. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

And @Barrenfieldoffucks If I'm being nasty it's because from the tone and content of the OP's posts she's going to go back to him in 3, 2, 1...

I can’t stop thinking about him.
...but still
yet… my emotions are so mixed up
I just wish I could stop feeling so mixed up.

Oh, and the thread title is I'm...not I was.

OP I’m sorry you’ve been hurt.
Out of interest - did you ever go to his house?

Probably a scorned wife

It’s amazing how many men do this! Women have affairs yes but they don’t lead double lives like this. Don’t feel bad. You’ll know warning signs for next time.

I can see what @Eyesopenwideawake is getting at.

I don’t necessarily think that a shorter length of the ‘relationship’ automatically means you should just get over it straight away. It was a similar length relationship for me that was the one of biggest headfucks of my life so I promise I’m not being unsympathetic OP. But I’ve had a jar of pickles in my fridge for longer than 7 months - it was a short chapter of your life, maybe not even a full chapter. AND added to that you say there were red flags from earlier on, and that it was very on and off due to you calling things off where you knew things weren’t right.

I do think you need to be a bit stern with yourself and your ‘mixed up’ emotions - there’s nothing to mix up. He’s a liar, a manipulator and an absolute shit. He’s used you and played you for a fool, but not even to half the extent that he’s betrayed his poor wife. As hurt as you are, and that’s valid - you mustn’t allow yourself to romanticise it or think there’s anything unique, romantic or ‘complicated’ about this situation - men like him are unfortunately ten a penny. He doesn’t have some mystical power over you nor can he ‘suck you back in’ against your will. You don’t need any closure beyond what you already know. There’s no need for any contact with him ever again. It will sting like hell for a while and you’re going to feel sad, but one foot in front of the other you’ll get there.

When you’re stronger maybe some therapy or self-reflection on why you carried things on with him even though you clearly knew something was very wrong - again that’s not having a dig at you, most of us have done it to some extent at some point. But you could choose to use this as a ‘never again’ moment.

3 years for me. Absolute master manipulator, and had the ability to lie beyond anything i've ever known. I had no clue. Guy worked all over the country for work - stupidly I honestly thought with me was his "home", how wrong was I. That ended nearly 8 years ago and I've not trusted myself enough to date since. I totally understand how much it knocks you. But you're out, you didn't waste years on the guy, and you didn't know. The blame lies with him, not that he's ever likely to accept that.

I think @Eyesopenwideawake has a point.

OP was with him for just seven months. There were by her own admission red flags, they were clearly on and off as she talks about being sucked back in after repeatedly grey rocking him, the flowery language being used is a bit concerning after this clearly wasn’t the relationship from heaven anyway.

OP needs to wake up. She’s been lied to but she also ignored her own protective mechanisms, that’s something she needs to consider. This man was not who she built him up to be, she went searching for the truth because she knew that. Time to cut losses.

She wants to punish the OP for some reason, for being an unwitting OW. Maybe that poster was cheated on and can’t really get past it.

I think this is a useful perspective.

I'm sorry you were abused by such an evil person: I hope you can heal soon 💐🙏

This happened to me. Met a guy, went out on lots of dates, told me that be house shared with 2 guys and a girl so we spent most of our time at my house. Came over lots, we went out lots. Turned out that he was married with two children. I had absolutely no idea until I got text messages from a woman calling me names and turning up at my house. She must of followed him to mine. I was knocked back and absolutely gutted. I think she could tell that k was completely unaware and had fooled me too. I ended it and never saw him again. This “relationship” with him went on for 8 months, lots of feelings for him etc.
just see it as a close call!

Been here sadly and it's tough. You feel humiliated, used, embarassed. It does get easier. You have to remember that you went into it blind, you'll learn from it, but it's not on you if you don't know. Just don't entertain him or anything about him anymore. He deserves no space in your mind and whatever nice things you felt about him, were about the character he played to fool you, take what he wanted, with total disregard for anyone's feelings.

Mine was an on/off set up. He billed it as casual and I was ok with that. He wasn't my physical type but he filled a void of company and touch I was missing. He told me how amazing I was and always said that if either of us found someone else that could be a proper relationship, then we'd bow out. Actually felt empowered that I was in control of my own set up.
He talked about her as his ex regularly as I was in a similar set up still having to live with my ex whilst we both saved to be able to buy our own homes which is really common these days.
He clung onto that and it meant neither of us could take the other home. Meetings were intermittent, every 3 - 4 weeks as he worked shifts for the ambulance service. We met in hotels or bars, and I'm sad to say drove cars to forests and lanes.
Looking back there were red flags, but he explained them away. It was 7 months before I found out.
It made me sick and I almost joke about the scenario now (not on the wife, more joke about how pathetic I was to fall for it and it's only to save face and feel less shit because I'm still mortified).
I told his wife. Took 2 weeks to write the message. She's probably still with him.

From your comments it sounds like somewhere in the back of your mind you knew and it just now finally came to light (I presume in some sort of undeniable way).

I think @Eyesopenwideawake is seeing right through it.

FWIW, don’t settle for being the OW. It’s just sad.

Wow.

Wow,seriously. I hope you are a man because I would hope another woman would not say something as crass as that.

OP, you are by no means the first to have been taken in by an ‘expert’.

None of it was real- these men have twisted personalities.

Don’t let him twist you too.

I do hope you tell his wife @softlysoft . She deservs to know what a twat she married. Not out of spite. I would want to be told if my DH did this to me.

Don't waste another single minute reminiscing - remind yourself every single day that it was all a lie and he wasn't who he pretended to be. He is an empty hollow shell of a person - you are not! I know it's hard to move on, you've had a horrible shock and it leaves you questioning yourself. Learn from it - if someone seems too good to be true, they probably are. You ignored red flags - resolve never to let that happen again.

What you absolutely cannot do is allow yourself to feel he's broken you - you are still here and you are strong. Your best revenge is to live well and be happy. Do whatever you have to do to make this happen. You will need to actively stop yourself thinking about him. Get some therapy, take up a new exercise, spend time with friends. Whatever it takes. You will get there 💐

Not by choice you weren’t! Some of these rancid fuckers are master manipulators, they’ve been practicing for decades and they are extremely plausible.
You have had a lucky escape. For the love of god, DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. He is a liar, a cheat and a fraud. You deserve far, far better.
Learn from this, pay attention to red flags in the future and shore up your boundaries. You’ll be fine xx

She/he has clearly been cheated on and is bitter. That’s all.

How many women did you actually find out about.

He's a player and this is his hobby.

He won't stop.

Block all contact.
And don't ignor red flags again no matter how gorgeous they are.

Thank you everyone for your perspectives and thoughts. I will read them all properly today and respond to as many as I can but for @Eyesopenwideawakeand those posters saying she has a point, she’s going back to him etc etc. You could not be more wrong. I am very well aware it was just dick to him thanks. And I would rather die than go back to him, just so you know. The ‘flowery language’ is all I can come up with right now. It’s hard to express my confusion. But many if not most of the posters here completely get it. I am absolutely reeling. So many awful things have happened that I can’t elaborate on here. So please don’t jump to conclusions about what I’m going to do in 3,2,1…….. I just came for advice on how to move forward from this, and the thoughts and feedback have been so so helpful. I’m really looking forward to getting stuck into them on my first break at work. Thank you so much all, and I’m sorry so many of you have been where I am

I WAS the other woman. Is that better? It was late when I wrote that and I’m in a different time zone.

@YourGladSquidyes I knew something was off but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He was shifty for sure but my genuine belief was that he was playing the field. Whenever I tackled him about it he convinced me I was the only one etc etc. He is extremely slick and as someone else said very VERY well practiced at lying. When I found out he was married I was genuinely stunned. So nobody is seeing right through anything.
And I am not and will never settle for being the OW.

@AliasGrapethanks for that. I keep coming back to your post and it’s helping. Thank you

This happens a lot because some men (and women) just want it all. The thing is that some of us wouldn’t have chosen to be the other women and when we find out we don’t go back there because we have morals. Don’t worry you will get over it and I hope you find someone who is worthy of you