Husband mad at my spending

[Mummysworld25]

My husband got really mad for how much money I have spent in the last two months. I tried to explain what my large expenses were, but he didnt want to hear it and just tells me how I dont appreciate how hard he works (im a SAHM) and get f-ed. I do think I could cut back, but it is hard because i but the large majority of food and household items like cleaning supplies, paper towels, etc for our family of 5, i buy EVERYTHING the kids need from school supplies, clothes, birthday gifts, sports fees, etc, i buy ALL the pet food (we have 4 pets) and pay all the vet bills which this year has been a lot because we got 2 puppies. Anyway, i decided to add up all my spending for the year and then all of his spending for the year and I only spent about $10k more than for the whole year. This is what, like $800 more than him each month? Am I wrong for thinking i should be spending more than he does if Im the one covering all these expenses? I almost feel like my spending should be significantly more than his since he only really buys for himself and Im buying for myself, 3 kids, and 4 animals. Or if I am spending too much, is it really so much more than him that I deserve to be cussed out? He's called me some terrible names. I also told him we should sit down and come up with a budget to which he just tells me "F you" or "F off" because he's not the one with the problem. This is happened before too and he took my credit card away from me. I just really need advice how to fix this situation. He thinks Im spending too much, which ill work to fix, but how do i bring up that i think he is ALSO spending too much? Or do you guys think im wrong and im the only one with the problem? If thats the case i still would like advice on the cussing situation. I told him to stop cussing at me and he told me he will only do that when i stop spending money and also quit being lazy and do a better job cleaning the house. Sorry for rambling. I can clarify anything in comments.

Mumsnet is a really great place to come for advice about leaving your abuser. I imagine there will be lots of it on this thread. I advise you to take it.

He is an arsehole.

from now on, all pet food on a subscription paid out of his account. All stuff for kids, put in shopping basket online and get him to log on and buy it. Repeat this with EVERYTHING

then get your ducks in a row

You need to get a job so you can financially support yourself and kids and get away from this loser.

When you say you spent £800 more than him is this regarding his spending on clothes and food and luxuries? I just want to confirm house bills are not coming under his spending in this? Also how much of the £800 is food for the family? If house bills and family food are a mutual expense what do the personal expenses actually come out as? Because £800 a month more luxury money than your spouse is a lot of money but if that’s got to cover the food shop for the whole family it’s really not

who wanted to get the puppies? Was this after money had been a topic of contention?

You need to get a job. Did he agree to the puppies? It sounds like they are quite expensive. Was he on board with 3 children & you staying home? I think it depends on lots of things. Are you overspending on things that you could get cheaper? Can you afford extra curricular activities for the children? It’s going to be stressful being the only earner in the family. It sounds like you are in the US. In Britain you would have to be a high earner to afford for Mum to stay home, have kids in extra curricular activities & 2 new puppies.

You day you're covering expenses but you're a SAHM - where is your money coming from? What's your financial situation?

This is happened before too and he took my credit card away from me.

So he’s angry about the amount you’re putting on your credit card (that I’m guessing he pays if you’re a SAHM?) but you’re putting all of the household costs on it? If so then he’s a monumental arsehole.

He only puts $800 a month less on his when you’re the one buying all the food/pet/house/child stuff? Does that include bills or is he just spending it on himself?

Are you in the US? If so, consider divorcing him. Their rules around child maintenance and methods of enforcing it are vastly better than ours.

There aren’t enough details for MN to give an opinion on whether you are or aren’t spending too much.
As another poster said, who pays for the house, utilities, cars, insurances, pensions, if in UK Council Tax and TV licence, subscriptions, phones, internet, health expenses (dentists/glasses) etc. Fact he took your credit card before suggests issue is not new. £10k more is a lot per annum. That said it wouldn’t be if most of above and other expenses you list you also need to cover.
What it comes down to is fairness. He doesn’t think you are being fair. You don’t think he is.
It was a bit indulgent to get more animals when money already causing issues.
The way he is handling it is not acceptable. F-this. F-you.
You also seem unwilling to properly see his side having gone to the trouble to count up a year’s worth of expenses to prove your point. To be ‘right’. Yet right or wrong he is clearly communicating he is not ok with the status quo. That won’t change no matter how many power point presentations in essence you do.
End of day a SAHM arrangement does not always work. As someone said it can be extremely stressful for the breadwinner and can be an arrangement that more suits the SAHM.
Easiest way to resolve would be to get a PT job to share the load and make up (and more) for the shortfall. Failing that, cut right back to essentials only for the foreseeable. Resentment tends to destroy marriages so also think what your preferred outcome is.

I would stop and tell him ok you do all the shopping , you run all the finances for the family and see how much you spend …

then tell him to f*k himself and you want a divorce . He’s financially abusing you .

Why the hell are couples paying separately for stuff. Joint account for mutual bills separate account for spends. Do
not put up with this shite

How is the job search going? Remind him that when you go back to work he has to fund half the childcare and cover half the school holidays/unexpected days when the kids are sick. He might appreciate you a bit more.

He’s financially abusing you @Mummysworld25 . Of course you’ll be spending more if you are organising all the food etc for the entire family. If HE - one person - was spending more than you, I would suggest HE has a spending problem.
Leave him. You deserve someone who treats you as an equal. This man is not really your team mate. He doesn’t value your contribution to your team. Xx

Being a sahm is risky because a sizeable proportion of men don’t understand the work involved and at some level believe the money they earn belongs to them. Your husband is one of them.

Step 1 is get a job which pays enough to make you independent. Even if initially a lot of this money goes on childcare if he won’t split the cost of that with you, it’s still worth it for your independence and available choices.

If I were you I would give away 3 of the pets and get a job. Things usually end up like this when a man is the only one that earns money in the home. They really don't respect or appreciate the role of a stay at home mum.

Also you need to tell us if part of what he is spending is on bills or just luxuries for himself

It's impossible to say based on the information so far. Is he the only earner in the house, how much does he take home each month , how much are the household bills. If you are using a credit card regularly, are the total outgoings each month exceeding what is actually coming in. Should you be budgeting but aren't doing so. Obviously he shouldn't be swearing at you and should be communicating properly.

First post nails it.

I always wonder what has happened to people in their lives to think that being treated like this is something that they need to try to fix. Why on earth do you think you should put up with this?

The swearing at you and aggressive outburst are totally unacceptable. I pressume he also chose to be the sole breadwinner and he was also part of the decision making when it came to having 3 kids and 4 animals? Did he not realise that they would come at a cost?

He sounds abusive, both emotionally and financially, and he also sounds completely clueless when it comes to what things cost if he thought supporting so many people and animals would be cheap. I have one dog and have spent £6K on him just so far this year.

This, where is the sahm income from?

I do think when things are tight it’s bonkers to add two puppies into the mix. Your choices are leave/ ask him to leave. Get a job and both put in half for kids expenses/ pet expenses/ bills. Or carry being treated like shit.

He's done a number on you if you even think you are in the wrong!!!

Totally agree

There're 2 somewhat separate topics - "what?" And "how?". "What" bit is difficult to comment on without seeing expenses in more detail, to tell if u might be overspending. The "how" part is how he told you, which is clearly unacceptable. You shouldn't allow anyone to talk to you like that.

This was exactly my first thought. We need the actual numbers to decide who is being unreasonable here.

Husband paying massive mortgage, all utilities, pensions for both of you, phones, car payments, healthcare costs if relevant (you've used dollars so assume you are outside the UK) - it may well be unreasonable that you are spending more than that.

Really didn’t. How do you know OP husband isn’t giving her ‘house keeping’ already and she is spending the £800 on top? She’s a Sahm so money will be tighter than if both parents were working.

All the financial responsibility on one person is incredibly stressful. Suggest OP you offer a breakdown of the spending or get a job and split everything by half.