Husband mad at my spending

[Mummysworld25]

My husband got really mad for how much money I have spent in the last two months. I tried to explain what my large expenses were, but he didnt want to hear it and just tells me how I dont appreciate how hard he works (im a SAHM) and get f-ed. I do think I could cut back, but it is hard because i but the large majority of food and household items like cleaning supplies, paper towels, etc for our family of 5, i buy EVERYTHING the kids need from school supplies, clothes, birthday gifts, sports fees, etc, i buy ALL the pet food (we have 4 pets) and pay all the vet bills which this year has been a lot because we got 2 puppies. Anyway, i decided to add up all my spending for the year and then all of his spending for the year and I only spent about $10k more than for the whole year. This is what, like $800 more than him each month? Am I wrong for thinking i should be spending more than he does if Im the one covering all these expenses? I almost feel like my spending should be significantly more than his since he only really buys for himself and Im buying for myself, 3 kids, and 4 animals. Or if I am spending too much, is it really so much more than him that I deserve to be cussed out? He's called me some terrible names. I also told him we should sit down and come up with a budget to which he just tells me "F you" or "F off" because he's not the one with the problem. This is happened before too and he took my credit card away from me. I just really need advice how to fix this situation. He thinks Im spending too much, which ill work to fix, but how do i bring up that i think he is ALSO spending too much? Or do you guys think im wrong and im the only one with the problem? If thats the case i still would like advice on the cussing situation. I told him to stop cussing at me and he told me he will only do that when i stop spending money and also quit being lazy and do a better job cleaning the house. Sorry for rambling. I can clarify anything in comments.

This is all the reasons why being a stay at home mum is a rubbish choice. Get a job and get some financial independence and stop allowing this man to control you.

You say you know you can rein it in a bit. What is the money going on? Clothes for kids could be anything from school uniform to a whimsical fairy dress that took a kids fancy. If wasteful spending is the issue then he may have a point.

This is financial abuse.
I doubt this man will listen to you or change, so there is only one way to bring it to an end

Where is your money coming from? If you are a SAHM then I assume the money you are spending on the kids and pets comes from your husbands salary, which means he is covering all the bills - you are simply doing the actual buying (which makes sense as you are a SAHM).

Obviously 3 kids and 4 pets (why did you get 2 puppies this year?!) is going to be very expensive, and most people would struggle massively to afford that on one salary. And any job that would allow this is going to be very stressful.

Of course he shouldn't be speaking to you how he is, that is unacceptable and might get better if money stress is reduced, but also might not.

People who don’t organise the day to day will never ever get it. Had this conversation with a friend who’s sole bread earner and she was saying how much her husband spends- clothes, buying goodies for school tours, soft play, then stopping off and getting something etc … I was trying to make her see his side of it especially as it sounded like he watched money as much as the rest of us do and she admitted he wasn’t spending crazily but I still think she thought he could eg do more free stuff. I think they’d only ever figure it out if left to it for a few months

The way he is speaking to you is unacceptable but the overall picture is unclear. When you refer to your spending and his spending, are you including expenses such as mortgage and utilities bills and are you attributing them to him? Unless you have an independent income, he is paying for everything and it could be stressful for him if you’re being extravagant with that money. Are your children in school? If they’re in school and you’re at home, that gives you a lot of downtime but it sounds like housework is still not done. Is that why he’s annoyed at the state of the house? Are you focussing too much energy on the 4 animals during the day? As PP have said, being the sole earner is a big responsibility. The way he’s speaking to you is unacceptable but it does sound as if you’re being a bit cavalier with money and perhaps being a bit self-indulgent with spending and with how you spend your time.

Try and have a chat with him and find out what is going on. Could it be he’s stressed about money and finding being the sole breadwinner too much?
Tell him you will only tolerate being spoke to respectfully. Discuss what’s going on and see if you getting a job is a good solution and make him aware his life will change drastically as a lot of what you do will be split.

So much bad advice in this thread I thought I best comment.
The subject of disagreement over money is common for most marriages, and can be resolved quite simply without resorting to divorce.
Those advocating for divorce are very short sighted and should be ignored. You are a family and you need to stick together for the wellbeing of your children and for the happiness of your life

The only solution is for you and your partner to sit down and agree to reduce consumption.
The obvious reductions would be the pets.
The kids would be upset when the pets have to go but would be fine after a week.
There maybe other better options you can consider when shopping that would extend your budget.

Best

Thank god @seebiscuit1 stepped in and gave her invaluable advice that none of us others were clearly equipped to offer🙄

Although it is normal to disagree about money in a marriage, it is not normal to be called names and to be told to fuck off when you want to try and work out a solution. Ignoring advice about leaving an abusive relationship is not recommended. If anything, OP needs to see that most of us here (except @seebiscuit1 ) can see that she is being verbally and financially abused to assure her that this isn't solely on her to fix. He is making her feel like she is the sole problem here and that is wrong. He may not be the sole problem either but he is unwilling to look at his own behaviour.

When it comes to sitting down to see how they can reduce consumption, that is exactly what OP wants to do but when she brings it up her H becomes abusive. This is so much more serious than finding yellow sticker labels and having fewer pets. There is a power imbalance that gives one party all the power and that party is abusive.

Ok im OP. Is there a way to edit your post? I dont know so ill just comment here. We have a joint account. I put everything on credit card then pay it off every month with the joint account. I also got a small part time job a few years ago when he was mad about how much gas i use (we live in the country but my kids go to school in the city so all their friends and my family and everything to is there.) Last year I earned $10k. I also subbed at my kids school and worked in their lunchroom (part of 10k) and he would be annoyed for that saying we dont need the extra money. We could get rid of animals, but the puppies had a lot of up front costs like vaccines, spaying, training etc that wont be ongoing costs. His spending does not include the mortgage or any household bills. He is not a luxury kind of guy, but he still buys things i dont think we need. For instance i have seen 2-3 lawn mowers arrive at our house in 2025 alone He has spent $10k on generators in the last 2 years. You could argue those are necessary but we already installed a whole house generator when we built our house. He spent $8,000 on a getting a well put on our property without telling me - they just showed up. We have city water by the way and oh, the well i dont think works and has never been used since he put it in last fall. I dont flip out on him or anything on these things, I usually try to let it go. But any big purchase i always ask his permission. Guys there are definitely lots of ways we could cut back...i think the problem for me is when i ask to look at it together or to create a family budget he tells me to F off. Everything feels very him vs me. For instance, because he didnt like how much i spent the last two months, he heard me saying i was making a grocery order and he told me no we could just eat stuff in the house. Yet the next day he to the grocery and bought himself cookies and crap. Or my family wanted to do a cabin trip and he told me no because of me spending too much money. But then his family wanted to do a trip to see a football game and book an $800/night hotel and we still went!!! because he said hes not the one spending too much so we get to go. I dont know, It feels to me if we dont have the money, we dont have the money regardless of who wants it. To him, it feels very much like a ill still spend what i want but you cant. Again, correct me if im wrong.

I usually say take a lover but in these circumstances I think you do have to leave the bastard. Good luck!

It is difficult being the sole earner - it is stressful and it is horrible how money just disappears for the basics of living

but you need to be on the same page with finances
And it doesn’t excuse crap behaviour

for us that means

tracking all spending on a giant spreadsheet - so essential food, child a clubs, birthday presents for family, presents for kids etc -if you can go back over the last year and track every penny

then that lets you develop a budget

income - essentials = leftover

yiu have to agree what is essential

then you each have the same amount of free money and the rest ( ha ha) goes into savings

if you can’t agree what is essential spending, what is a sensible budget for each category and what you should each have a free spending money then you can’t stay together

not everyone works quite the same way - sone families agree that a women must have hair care that costs more than a man’s cut, others say that anything above a basic trim is personal spend for example but it needs to be agreed and both sides need to feel it’s fair

From your update it doesn't sound like money is a problem, but he's using it to control you.
Do you see this controlling abusive behaviour in other areas of your relationship?

Being a SAHM doesn't mean you do all the household chores and childcare and have no money.

It's not his money, it's family money, just like your labour looking after the children is for the whole family.

I think you need to get a job. He sounds resentful of anything you spend. He doesn't want you to sort out a budget between you, he wants you to spend less so he has more. I had one like that.

Or possibly he's feeling the pressure of being the sole earner. Or you are spending too much. Either way I'd want to have my own income.

He is definitely stressed. I cant have a chat with him about anything it feels like....he just gets mad or accuses me of bitching. I really feel at a total loss.

It may have been a mistake to describe yourself on here as a SAHM rather than part-time worker who also runs the household.

Not sure where i said anything in regards to being self indulgent with my time. Our kids go to school 30-40 minutes from our house so i spent 2-2.5 hours in my car just on school driving alone. With other errands, im probably in the car minimum 3 hours a day. Theyre only in school 7 hours. So then i have what? 4 hours where im not driving? We have to wake up so early because of where we live, i usually shower and stuff after we get home. There goes 30-60 minutes. Food prep for dinner, another 30-60 minutes. Im now down to 2-3 hours. I have other things to do besides clean, too. Theres grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills, making doctors appointments, helping my mom who recently fell, being a good friend, meal planning, walking dogs, and all the mental load of being a mom. My list goes on and on. Once i pick up kids, its either sports or go home and help them with their homework, make dinner, clean up dinner, make sure kids shower then get them in bed. Plus my kids only go to school 4 days a week and their 5th day is a homeschool day. You are sounding like my husband telling me i have infinite time. I absolutely do not and I have major guilt any time I do anything for myself, like read a book or workout. Also im sorry, i am not trying to come at you as it may sound. I think i am trying to list all this out for me to feel better and realize i truly dont have infinite time.

OP

I would seek legal advice on the quiet re separation and divorce. You are all being financially and economically abused by your H and therefore the relationship is over. This is who he is (his family too all seem to behave similarly) and he is not going to change. Was it his idea in the main for you to have 3 chilren and 4 pets?.

He has been spending his money (and he regards his money as indeed solely his) on boys toys like multiple lawnmowers (who needs 2-3 lawnmowers?), generators and a well for water; all of which were not necessary purchases or discussed with his wife in advance. He wanted those so in his mind it was a done deal. Then he has the gall to tell his wife she is spending too much money. I presume he regards the pets, kids, housework etc as your sole domain so you get no assistance from him there either.

Who is going to look after the kids and do the housework (clue not him) if OP were to get a job outside the home?. Also it is highly likely that he will likely sabotage any and all attempts for the OP to actually get into work outside the home. OP - when was the last time you did something for you like have a hair cut, a dental appointment or an eye exam?. I would think he does these things for him far more often than you.

Many financially controlling men are not solely just financially controlling either. And indeed it is the case here that OP is being verbally abused by him.

OP - how can you be helped here into leaving this man?. What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Gosh, please do get help in real life and ignore @seebiscuit1! I think I can guarantee that getting rid of pets to save money would be remembered by kids for a long long time!

Your husband is treating you like an employee - that's awful.

Was it his idea also to live where you are currently?. It reads like you are in the middle of a state a long way from towns or cities of any size.

Isolating you all from support is often a part of the abusers MO too.

Did this specimen return your credit card?.

Definitely.

He needs to stop swearing and you need to get a job.

Do you think her H is going to be amenable and or willing to she getting a job outside the home?. No. She will still be expected by him to carry on as she is doing now with the house, kids and animals as well as doing work outside the home. He is not going to step up here.

The best option for OP is to divorce her financially and verbally abusive H.