Partner Cheated with prostitutes, what would you do?

[Msfowler2022]

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. I am 30 F, he is 33 M.
I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship and we have 2 children 1 and 2.
My partner is hard working, self employed builder and works 6 days a week. He is a good father to the children. He always made me feel like he only had eyes for me and was supportive in helping me set my business up, he does have his good qualities.
I found out 6 months ago he was being blackmailed for leaving a prostitute waiting at a hotel.
This then unraveled a pattern of behaviour.
When I first met my partner I asked if he took drugs, he told me he had tried cocaine in his teenage years but hadn't since (then 23). There was a few occassions over the next 7 years I became aware he had used cocaine, such as festivals or nights out. It caused some arguments but he told me it was one off use with friends and wouldn't happen again. This wasn't often as far as I was aware.
When I was pregnant with our first child I found out at my baby shower he was using cocaine. He promised never to do it again. He sold his property and had £80k in the bank, he moved in with me to be a family ahead of the new baby arriving.
After our son was born his behaviour detioriated and he would sit with friends inside the house using cocaine after coming home from nights out until 6am, this was only about 4 times before I fell pregnant again but he was drinking quite a lot on weekends and going out.
3 months after giving birth I fell pregnant with our second son. He reduced the amount of times he went out and I'm not aware he took cocaine during the pregnancy.
4 months after our son was born his behaviour began to spiral, it would end in arguments due to feeling unsupported with two young children. This led to him staying in hotels on occassions. I have found out whilst staying in a hotel for 2 nights in November 2023 he drank and took cocaine, he drove 50 mins to a prostitutes house and had a blow job. The following day he visited another for sex.
He came back home, and I was none the wiser. In February 2024, an old friend of his had cancer and was holding a fundraiser, he traveled 3 hours away to newport to attend. I booked his hotel, packed his bags, brought him snacks for the journey etc and encouraged him to go and be supportive. That evening we had a minor argument whilst he was away but we resolved it quickly. He has now admitted to taking £200 worth of cocaine and booking a prostitute to his hotel room. When she arrived he said he couldn't go through with it and sent her away reimbursing her for travel. 2 hours later he received a message from another prostitute saying she was available and he drove his car 30 mins away to meet at her house. He has told me he sat outside the house and didn't go through with it and left. The reason he says he changed his mind and visited the second was because he was high on coke and wanted sex.
2 weeks later he went out with friends and returns home on cocaine (he denied this until now) and he kicked the living room door in breaking the door, he also gripped me around the neck and it ended in a scuffle.
2 weeks after he goes out with friends taking cocaine again returning home in the early hours. The following day he was snappy with me and the children, called me a fcking cnt and I asked him to leave. He spent 2 nights in a hotel but says he didn't contact prostitutes.
6 weeks later, the night before our sons second birthday he went out for a pint after work and didn't return home. He stayed at a hotel 5 minutes from our home rather than coming home and admitted he and his friend were looking at prostitutes in the hotel room but said they didn't go through with it.
June 2024 is when he booked a prostitute to a hotel after a fall out over a phone contract and he was blackmailed. He said he didn't have sex.
This all came to my attention in December 2024. He denied everything for a while, admitting to sending messages only and it has took 6 months to hear the truth. I asked him to go for a lie detector test with me, he refused but went for one without telling me and said he manipulated one of the questions to include sex in the hotel in Newport as he drove to Cardiff and had sex in her house.
I asked him to come to my house and tell me the truth as he needed to show remorse to work through this. I was unaware he had been for a lie detector test earlier that day and I recorded the conversation. He admitted to meeting four prostitutes and broke down saying he had been for a lie detector but knew he wouldn't pass it but did it to see if he could before he went for one with me. The next day the results came back that he passed the test which covered the two incidents from 2023 and he had not had sex or met any other prostitutes/ other women since our relationship started in 2015.
It has been a struggle to get the truth out of him. He said he told me he slept with more than he had because I wouldn't let it drop until he confessed to more so I would feel there was nothing left to hide and is saying the lie detector results are the truth. The test was £500 and conducted by a reputable company with examiner having the relevant qualifications.
The £80k from the house sale has gone, be admitted to gambling some, appears to have spent a lot on cocaine, and hotels but we did go to Florida and Egypt with that money too. He has took a £10k loan out from the bank, which he's brought a motorbike for £3k. As stated he works 6 days a week but I don't see tne money and it makes sense now ad I know what he's been spending it on.
He has been in therapy working on himself and says it's been a year since he has looked at prostitutes online. He has a tracker on his phone so I know where he is. I never denied sex with him, we would have sex 4 times a week if not more, even shortly after giving birth. He has threatened suicide repeatedly since we split and emotionally blackmailing me into giving it another try as he claims he's changed. I do see a difference in him but I don't hold much faith it will be long term. I do love him but I'm disgusted in how he's treated me. He is pushing the blame onto me saying I never loved him and was always kicking him out but that is not true.

Would you walk away or give him some time to prove he's changed? He no longer hangs around with the friendship group he says were bad influences not that they are to blame for his choices. I know he took coke the night we split in December 2024 and I drugs tested him in February 2025 and he failed on coke when he came to collect the children. He said he hasn't done it since.

He spent all his money on sex workers and drugs I'm not sure why you would want to consider staying with him.

Urgghhhh - another miserable excuse for a husband/partner & father.
Get rid for good!

Please don't model this relationship as normal to your children. He's spending family money, he's been physically violent, put you at risk with stds! He isn't a partner or a dad is he? He's a fuck up and you'd be better off alone.

I'd do the freedom programme, read why does he do that (free pdf if you search online) and get help from women's aid for the strength to leave. Maybe some counselling for yourself.

Don't kid yourself that this isn't affecting the children. They pick up on all sorts. Is this what you imagined your life to be like?

Please please see sense! He is an abuser and you're letting him. Don't you see? There is nothing to work on. He will always be a liar.

I fail to see a single element of his behaviour that isn’t abusive in some way. None of this behaviour is ok, none of it. He’s been physically abusive and violent. He lies, repeatedly about everything, he cheats, repeatedly. He’s an addict - he is addicted to cocaine, there is no doubt, quite possibly to using sex workers and gambling too. He’s definitely addicted to lying. He’s frequently absent. None of this makes him a “good dad”. None of it. His behaviour will be harming your children, however much you try to protect them.

He clearly needs help, but you are not the person to rescue him. Counselling will only help if he’s being honest to his therapist, but he has a track record of lying, so it’s pretty irrelevant actually.

Your only responsibility now lies with keeping you and your children safe and well. Whilst you continue to be with this man, all of you will continue to be harmed.

I know leaving is complex, but there’s nothing in this world that would make me stay with this man. Once you’re out of the relationship and have some space to gain some clarity, you’ll see that too.

He is an addict,gambling,prostitutes,drugs.He will not change and already proved that.

Dump their arse! No way would I be hanging around to get god knows what from them 🙁

This can be as simple or as complicated as you want to make it. The bottom line is that his behaviour is risking yours and your children’s health, safety and wellbeing. I would get out of that relationship as soon as is feasible. Start planning - financially and practically. Get some legal support if you can or go to citizen’s advice. You and your children deserve so much more.

He physically assaults you.
He uses sex workers.
He frequently takes drugs.
He drives while under the influence.
He does drugs in the same house as his babies.
He lies to you.
He manipulates you.
He gambles.
He has spent all of his contribution to family savings.

He has broken so many laws he could be sent to prison for years.

I would divorce him faster than you could blink.

What does he have to do before you feel you cannot forgive him?
Just how low does he have to get?
Your post is stomach-churning.
You have 3 kids. What are you teaching them?
Get a grip and get him out of your lives.
Permanently.

Op you need to get this man out of your life.

im a retired foster carer. I’ve taken in so many children who’ve lived in homes like yours. Drugs, violence and instability. It’s damaging them every day. You might think you’re shielding them from it. You’re not. You are failing to protect your children.
the amount of children I’ve had who’s mothers kept having these kind of men back into their lives is pretty high. Your dc have to be your priority!.

Living with an addict, sucks all the attention and joy from everyone, you’re always on high alert trying to catch him out on a lie or trying to keep the peace in case it sets him off. You have three children, whilst you have been consumed by your ex’s abuse, lies and addictions, they have witnessed some of it. They can feel the tension in the air and it’s not a happy, stable environment to be brought up in. They might love ex, but they are too young to know the devastation he creates and how he will destroy you and them if he comes back.
He will promise the earth, beg for another chance and try to manipulate his way back, even get angry and say he’s suicidal but it’s only because, he wants someone, anyone to cater to his needs, he needs someone to blame for his actions and he thinks he will be better off with you, so he has money to spend on his habits. He won’t EVER change but you can make a good life without him, for you and your DC.

Violence, poor impulse control, addiction and compulsive lying do not make a person a good father I'm afraid.

You are the problem

I got as far as the prostitute and had read enough. Run as fast as you can and don’t look back. Anything has to be better than this.

Bin

I agree with @MiloMinderbinder925 100%, @Msfowler2022.

Don't your kids deserve better than this? Do you want them growing up thinking it is OK to buy women's bodies for sex, or to take drugs? Do you think this is a healthy atmosphere for them to grow up in?

You should have kicked him to the kerb years ago.

Got to hand on neck NOPE. Instant leave, forever!

My gosh op what are you doing.
Prostitute using druggie is one thing, hand on neck could leave your children motherless.

Op it does not matter how much work he claims to have done. You don't owe anyone a second chance. Let alone a 50th fucking chance.

Why do you think you are worth so little?
What's so scary about being single for you?
Why do you think forgiveness means having to take the bastard back?
Why do you think it's ok to put yourself at risk for a man?

You need to start asking yourself these things. Get into therapy yourself maybe.

I'm sure someone's already told you that if they put their hand on your neck, the chances they will kill you increases exponentialy. I think it's something like 7 times more likely? Maybe more.

Do not take mad risks.

He's a junkie. He uses prostitutes. He attacked you. These things won't change and you know it.

I say this as a couples therapist- walk away! A relationship cannot be safely worked on if there is abuse, and there is clearly abuse happening. You have children who you are displaying this to- his dangerous behaviour and your acceptance of it- please get him away from you and your children now. Why you’ve hung around waiting for any further info from him for 6 months is unclear, what difference does it make? He has shown you over and over again that he isn’t safe or capable of looking after himself so he is not remotely safe to have around you or your children. Your poor 10 year old especially will be needing the right support. At the moment you are neglecting them by allowing this pattern to continue.

What a fucking car crash. This has got Jeremy Kyle all over it, and probably social services too. It's a tad hard to be sympathetic when your list of cons includes cocaine, prostitution, gambling, blackmail and domestic violence. Your poor kids.

Do you think he's a good role model for your children? Because eventually they will find out about the drug use etc and your staying with him will read to your children that you think this is an OK way to treat your family. Would you want your sons to act this way when they are older? You would have been within your rights to leave over the cocaine use at the very start. The fact he lies about this means you also can't trust him to drive or be responsible for your children alone.

You say he's a good parent. Op - he isn't. He's jeopardising your children's future and their family. Good parents don't do that - they work to create stable and secure families. He's doing the opposite and undermining all the work you are doing as a parent.

His friends are not to blame - he could have chosen to remove himself from that group at any time. But he didn't want to. He CHOSE this. The fact he's blaming other people and making you accountable for his reaction to the consequences for his own actions means he's not remorseful and he's actually quite narcissistic.

What you do here op is kick him out immediately and report him to social services and the police and get yourself to counselling to work out why you think this is the best you deserve. You need to seriously reassess your boundaries and what you think is normal in order to protect yourself from similar relationships in future.

What would I do? I'd change the children's names and move far far away from him and his shit show.

I'd say there's every chance that your DP is not only using cocaine but is also dealing too. This is not the kind of environment that your children should be brought up in.
Your eldest is at a really impressionable age. He's likely modelling his behaviour on him. Is that what you want for him? How will you feel if your DS starts doing the same too?
Get out OP, for your sake and your kids.

I would move as far away as possible and change my kids names in the hope that I could stop him from ever seeing them again. He is the lowest of the low.

Raise your bar - prioritise your kids , move away, move on. He is not a good father.

This with bells on.
He is a waste of skin.