Partner Cheated with prostitutes, what would you do?

[Msfowler2022]

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. I am 30 F, he is 33 M.
I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship and we have 2 children 1 and 2.
My partner is hard working, self employed builder and works 6 days a week. He is a good father to the children. He always made me feel like he only had eyes for me and was supportive in helping me set my business up, he does have his good qualities.
I found out 6 months ago he was being blackmailed for leaving a prostitute waiting at a hotel.
This then unraveled a pattern of behaviour.
When I first met my partner I asked if he took drugs, he told me he had tried cocaine in his teenage years but hadn't since (then 23). There was a few occassions over the next 7 years I became aware he had used cocaine, such as festivals or nights out. It caused some arguments but he told me it was one off use with friends and wouldn't happen again. This wasn't often as far as I was aware.
When I was pregnant with our first child I found out at my baby shower he was using cocaine. He promised never to do it again. He sold his property and had £80k in the bank, he moved in with me to be a family ahead of the new baby arriving.
After our son was born his behaviour detioriated and he would sit with friends inside the house using cocaine after coming home from nights out until 6am, this was only about 4 times before I fell pregnant again but he was drinking quite a lot on weekends and going out.
3 months after giving birth I fell pregnant with our second son. He reduced the amount of times he went out and I'm not aware he took cocaine during the pregnancy.
4 months after our son was born his behaviour began to spiral, it would end in arguments due to feeling unsupported with two young children. This led to him staying in hotels on occassions. I have found out whilst staying in a hotel for 2 nights in November 2023 he drank and took cocaine, he drove 50 mins to a prostitutes house and had a blow job. The following day he visited another for sex.
He came back home, and I was none the wiser. In February 2024, an old friend of his had cancer and was holding a fundraiser, he traveled 3 hours away to newport to attend. I booked his hotel, packed his bags, brought him snacks for the journey etc and encouraged him to go and be supportive. That evening we had a minor argument whilst he was away but we resolved it quickly. He has now admitted to taking £200 worth of cocaine and booking a prostitute to his hotel room. When she arrived he said he couldn't go through with it and sent her away reimbursing her for travel. 2 hours later he received a message from another prostitute saying she was available and he drove his car 30 mins away to meet at her house. He has told me he sat outside the house and didn't go through with it and left. The reason he says he changed his mind and visited the second was because he was high on coke and wanted sex.
2 weeks later he went out with friends and returns home on cocaine (he denied this until now) and he kicked the living room door in breaking the door, he also gripped me around the neck and it ended in a scuffle.
2 weeks after he goes out with friends taking cocaine again returning home in the early hours. The following day he was snappy with me and the children, called me a fcking cnt and I asked him to leave. He spent 2 nights in a hotel but says he didn't contact prostitutes.
6 weeks later, the night before our sons second birthday he went out for a pint after work and didn't return home. He stayed at a hotel 5 minutes from our home rather than coming home and admitted he and his friend were looking at prostitutes in the hotel room but said they didn't go through with it.
June 2024 is when he booked a prostitute to a hotel after a fall out over a phone contract and he was blackmailed. He said he didn't have sex.
This all came to my attention in December 2024. He denied everything for a while, admitting to sending messages only and it has took 6 months to hear the truth. I asked him to go for a lie detector test with me, he refused but went for one without telling me and said he manipulated one of the questions to include sex in the hotel in Newport as he drove to Cardiff and had sex in her house.
I asked him to come to my house and tell me the truth as he needed to show remorse to work through this. I was unaware he had been for a lie detector test earlier that day and I recorded the conversation. He admitted to meeting four prostitutes and broke down saying he had been for a lie detector but knew he wouldn't pass it but did it to see if he could before he went for one with me. The next day the results came back that he passed the test which covered the two incidents from 2023 and he had not had sex or met any other prostitutes/ other women since our relationship started in 2015.
It has been a struggle to get the truth out of him. He said he told me he slept with more than he had because I wouldn't let it drop until he confessed to more so I would feel there was nothing left to hide and is saying the lie detector results are the truth. The test was £500 and conducted by a reputable company with examiner having the relevant qualifications.
The £80k from the house sale has gone, be admitted to gambling some, appears to have spent a lot on cocaine, and hotels but we did go to Florida and Egypt with that money too. He has took a £10k loan out from the bank, which he's brought a motorbike for £3k. As stated he works 6 days a week but I don't see tne money and it makes sense now ad I know what he's been spending it on.
He has been in therapy working on himself and says it's been a year since he has looked at prostitutes online. He has a tracker on his phone so I know where he is. I never denied sex with him, we would have sex 4 times a week if not more, even shortly after giving birth. He has threatened suicide repeatedly since we split and emotionally blackmailing me into giving it another try as he claims he's changed. I do see a difference in him but I don't hold much faith it will be long term. I do love him but I'm disgusted in how he's treated me. He is pushing the blame onto me saying I never loved him and was always kicking him out but that is not true.

Would you walk away or give him some time to prove he's changed? He no longer hangs around with the friendship group he says were bad influences not that they are to blame for his choices. I know he took coke the night we split in December 2024 and I drugs tested him in February 2025 and he failed on coke when he came to collect the children. He said he hasn't done it since.

I think we've all known women who give endless second chances, and end up wasting years in misery. He's a liar, he's abused your trust time and time again. You can end this.

He won't stop. Every woman i know who's partner does coke it ends badly . They don't quit
Also the cheating is vile .
Dont waste your time with him .

Respectfully, he’s a piece of shit. Is this really the life you want????

I would leave him.

Dear God, pick your self respect up from the floor OP. This man is an addict. He's not suddenly going to change. He also thinks it's acceptable to sleep around and pay women for sex. He's vile. I wouldn't be allowing him anywhere near me or my kids. I'd also be making an appointment at the sexual health clinic to get checked over for anything he may have passed on.

Leave, no more chances. Stop looking for reasons to stay, there are none 💐

People can recover from coke use, but the main catalyst for that needs to be themselves. Nothing you could possibly do will make it happen, it needs to come from him and him alone.

I’d be surprised, as it stands, that he’s telling you the truth. What you know is probably a fraction and he’s also being emotionally abusive and trying to blackmail you and guilt trip you into giving in.

I don’t think it’s impossible to move on from cheating in some circumstances, but everything about this man screams unsafe. I’d find a counsellor and move on from this abusive relationship. You need to protect your children.

I would leave.

I agree with all the advice above. Get out before something worse happens. Your poor children.

Im so sorry for all this, OP. You’re clearly devastated and I can’t imagine the state he’s got your head in.
i hope you’re ok.
You already know what you need to do which is why you’ve written it all out here, to untangle everything for yourself. I haven’t reread but I think you are unmarried and the house is yours…
I am concerned for your safety - please seek help asap as others have said. Your (ex) partner is volatile and unreliable.
i wish you all the best, OP. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been put through by him. Enough, now.

Wow, someone stocked up on red flags in the Black Friday sale!

I dont think you can see the wood for the trees.

To summarise your post..

1. He put his hands on your neck and tried to strangle you
2. He is a drug addict
3. He uses prostitutes

Strangulation is a SERIOUS risk factor - studies show the fact he has done means he is 6 x more likely to commit attempted murder, and over 7 x of actually killing you.

You have 3 children you'd be leaving motherless.

This ignores the financial and STD based horrors he is bringing to your door.

End this now and let him take you to court for custody (which i would fight all the way)

Your poor children living like this...

I honestly can't fathom why you are even contemplating staying with this man.

Apart from the drug use, prostitutes etc etc- a whole catalogue of dreadful behaviour - he has put his hands round your neck and choked you. Men who do this statistically often go on to actually murder their partner. So you are in real physical danger.

Of course you must end this relationship. For your sake and for the sake of your children.

I would not stay after that.
You know he’s lying because his lips are moving.

If it was "only" drug use ONE time I would forgive. But you are mad even thinking about forgiving him: repeated use of drugs, buying sex, domestic violence, blowing money away! Do you want your children to grow up with this? Do you want to live like this? Please, take care of yourself and protect your children. Tell the court about his drug use. He shouldn't have your children alone- he's dangerous.

Ffs another " he's a great dad" post that lists all the ways he's not a great dad. He's a lying cheating drug abuser who has been violet.

He's entirely responsible for his own actions not his friends. Get out for the health, safety and wellbeing of your and your kids.

People will say LTB on here for things I consider minor, but this is a mountain of shite. When do you think you'll reach the bottom here? When is enough, enough?

Hi OP
It's not clear in your OP but it seems you've got him to leave and live elsewhere, that's good.

Hold your nerve now. What's made you post this, at this time, about whether you should give him time/another chance?

Perhaps it's because you've had a more peaceful time and you feel your head is clearer to think. You feel you can see a difference. Emotionally, you so want this to be the sign he's changed and it might work. All this energy and thinking time from you.

He's in your head because he hurt you over and over again. This is a trauma bond and is worth googling and reading up on.
Same for "sunken costs fallacy".

You must stay seperated from him. You have tried to help him, offered him love, family and a stable life for a decade.

He's chosen to stay in his own preferred behaviours, he's allowed nothing to get in the way of his various addictions. He is in active addiction. Any real change in his life will take YEARS of consistent work and therapy. From what you've said he isn't even at the start of such a process.

He may never be.

I know you want your love to fix this; you want the good parts of him and of your relationship to be enough for him to live a real life. Step away. You cannot fix this.

There's so much trauma in your post for you and the DC. Protect them. Protect their Mum whom they depend on entirely.

There are psychological reasons your ex makes these choices. And that's for him to figure out if he ever wants to.

Make no mistake though, he is CHOOSING to abuse you and the DC. You can choose to leave all of it behind.

You don't need a relationship in which lie detector tests feature or are even thought of.

There are equally psychological reasons why you have stayed with him - you've been caring, fixing, the strong one, maintaining hope. Please find some therapy. Start with reading. You probably don't have tons of time w 3 DC but snippets of good quality info online will give you some insights to build upon.

He is so dangerous. He is unthinking, acting on impulses and addiction. He will not be able to modify his behaviour.

He uses Class A drugs in the home of his children. He repeatedly pays for sex. He has " gone through with it".

He went for a lie detector test and manipulated the questions, then said he'd admitted to more than he'd done to try and make you trust him. It's chaos, it's destructive and you can stop it.

He has already put his hands around your neck. This is very very serious. He could have killed you right then and there. This isn't fixable.

What do you think you deserve and what lifestyle will mean you have a happy life?
It's not this.

What (resident) Dad and lifestyle do you choose for your beloved DC?
It's not this.

You sound strong, maybe stronger than you think. You're right to be disgusted. You're absolutely right not to trust him.

Put your DC and yourself first. Team of 4.

Get STD tested. If you can move, consider it. If not, make some changes to your environment, make it even more yours and DC safe space.

You'll have wobbly days, maybe that's why you've posted. Accept them, it doesn't mean you've made a wrong decision. You being seperated is right 100%.

He could have killed you. He will be violent again and next time you might die. Your DC would be motherless.

He cannot be allowed to pickup the children in a scenario where you suspect he's using cocaine.

He's controlled you and your life with his abuse for long enough.

End the trauma by seeing it and disengaging from him. You're already doing so well.

Get legal advice.
Ask for help and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
https://ukna.org/
https://domesticabusecommissioner.uk/
https://www.saferplaces.co.uk/news/are-you-in-a-trauma-bond
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-lies-and-conflict/202001/8-reasons-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships/amp

I’d have walked away a long time ago. I wouldn’t have had kids (more than one? Just, why?) with this specimen either. Jeezo. Get you and your kids the hell out of there op. It’s not fair on your children. He won’t change.

A druggie, prostitute using gambler who has emotionally abused you and physically assaulted you isn’t a good dad OP. Particularly one who was planning to be in charge of the kids while high, presumably planning to drug drive with them. He’s a waste of space. Your poor kids don’t deserve for you to call him a ‘good dad to them’. Staying with him would be letting them down massively tbh.

I'm wondering what else this guy would have to do to actually make you end the relationship? Is your bar really this low? What you've got now is what you will have for the rest of your life if you stay.

Phone trackers, lie detector tests, drug testing. Seriously, you know this isn't normal don't you? 🤦🏻‍♀️

The OP is obviously addicted to this wonderful man!!

The prostitutes are the least of your problems. I agree with others any of these issues alone are enough to kick him out.
You say partner so assume not married - please say you work?
You're so young still don't let him destroy you or your children.
Good signposting above to support please take them

This sounds like an awful relationship. I would get out now.

Violence, abuse, drugs, prostitutes, emotional blackmail? Come on op, think of your children and get rid. Stay and your in for more of the same (if not worse) and setting your children up for a horrendous time.

Would you be happy for a daughter to be with a man like this or a son to turn out like him? Stay and your teaching them that it's normal behaviour. Be a better parent