Ex says she’s pregnant by DP but he had vasectomy

[HellPro]

Bit of a long one sorry. Me and DP have 3 kids together, he also has 2 from a previous relationship. We’re not married but been together nearly 7 years.

He had a vasectomy in Dec last year, we’d agreed no more babies and tbh 5 between us is more than enough. Everything seemed fine until past couple months when I started getting a weird gut feeling. He’s been spending more and more time at his ex’s when dropping the kids, like going in for coffee or just “having a chat” which wasn’t really a thing before. Then he randomly bought a new expensive aftershave which is v unlike him (he normally uses whatever’s on offer in Asda lol).

Anyway, I asked him outright if anything’s going on and he swore blind no. Fast forward to yesterday and I get a msg from his ex. She says she slept with him and she’s pregnant. She doesn’t know about the vasectomy, so I’m guessing she thinks he’s still fertile.

Idk what to think. Is she lying to stir things up? She’s always been a bit off with me, and I’ve always felt like she never really moved on from him. They split cos she cheated on him (he told me that early on) so it’s not like they were some perfect couple.

But now I’m second guessing everything. Would she really lie about being pregnant?? Or could he have cheated and not told her about the vasectomy? Is it even possible she’s pregnant by him if he had it done over 6 months ago?

There can be a number of residual sperm in the vas deferens after, but the quality and quantity only remain viable for about 10-20 days post operation. So seeing as he had his op 6 months ago, she would have to be almost in her 3rd trimester by now for it to possibly be his.

That’s assuming it was a successful op. Although the failure rate is less than 1 in a 1000, so very low.

Well clearly something is going on, whether or not she is indeed pregnant (with his or someone else’s child).

when he comes in today show him the message and see his reaction. Don’t just forward it to him as if you do that he will have time to come up with a story.

If she lied to him when they were married (about being unfaithful) she's quite capable of lying to you now just to cause trouble. Keep your powder dry but your eyes open, OP.

You seem quite blaze about the affair, it seems pretty cut and dried to me. You will need to tell him he's been busted

Yeah I’m sure he had it done I dropped him off at the clinic and picked him up after he was waddling like a penguin for days lol. He got the info pack and everything after so def wasn’t lying about that. Just never did the follow up which now I’m realising was a bit stupid of us

We’ve got 8 month old twin girls and a 4yo boy I’m still on mat leave atm. His boys are 9 and 11 so they don’t need much hands on stuff but still, I don’t get when this would’ve even happened unless he’s hanging about after drop offs more than I thought.

Our relationship is actually good like we don’t really argue and he’s very hands on with all the kids, that’s why this is all a bit of a headfuck.

She’s always been weird with me like never said anything to my face but proper frosty, didn’t even say congrats when the twins were born. I got the vibe she was salty we had girls cos they just have boys. Could be nothing but she def didn’t seem over him

I did think it was odd she messaged me instead of him, made me think she wanted a reaction or to hurt me tbh. She didn’t say if he knows or not just that she’s pregnant and it’s his. Like no hello or anything just straight in with that.

I’ll speak to him when he gets in but dreading it.

What did you reply to her?

Why has she messaged you very strange, unless she wants him back, and why would he sleep with her, doesnt make sense

It can fail, but it is unlikely. You said you've been worried something has been going on. Maybe it has and she is lying about being pregnant.

Or maybe he has been staying longer to spend time with the boys or even her. Thinking it was all platonic

Deep breath, try to stay calm. everyone on this thread is jumping to the conclusion that he slept with her, but you dont know that. Tell him about the message. Talk it out. Keep your cool. There are three scenarios here - think them through so you have an idea in your head what to do in the event of any of them being true. You'll make better decisions and feel more in control if you are prepared for whats coming and can make the right decision for YOU.

Scenario #1 - He fucked her and she's pregnant. Is that an immediate end of the relationship and he's out? Start thinking about finances and protecting your children. Open to reconciliation? Start thinking about the boundaries that would make this workable and what you need to feel secure. Either way, just know that none of this is your fault, and it doesnt affect your worth as a human being and your loveliness as a woman, lover and partner.

Scenario # 2 - He fucked her / something inappropriate happened, she doesnt know about the vasectomy and shes not pregnant. Pretty much the same advice as above.

Scenario # 3 - Shes a vicious liar trying to throw a hand grenade into your life and relationship and doesnt care if she hurts you, him or the children in the process. She may even be pregnant - in which case, paternity test. Youll have to tackle this one together as in that case youll need restraining orders, legal frameworks to deal with children, emotional support etc because then she'd be a nasty piece of work.

Whatever it is, sending love and hugs from an internet stranger. Such a nasty and horrible thing to have to go through! Stay strong my lovely xx

He can still be fertile 4 months after a vasectomy. It's not instant...

I'm guessing he wasn't listening properly t the consultation

Good luck speaking to him OP

He’s cheated on you while you have young twins and are still on maternity leave. That says more about him than her being possibly pregnant. He’s clearly slept with her more than once . Are you going to take him back even if she’s not pregnant knowing that it will carry on.

Ex may have got pregnant by someone else and decided to sleep with your DH and claim it is his. So paternity test needed I guess, but the question is did he sleep with her as she claims.

Vasectomies don’t always work.

They take 3 months (ish) to work. My DH’s took longer. The fact he hasn’t had a follow up test doesn’t help.

so yes it’s possible she’s a few months along.

it’s also possible this is all made up bollocks by her.

I wouldn’t tell him that she said she is pregnant, I would tell him that she said they having been having sex, wait and see what he says to that and then tell him she’s pregnant. I’m not sure when they would have had the opportunity if he had their sons with him, but I guess if you’re going to be scum you find time to be scum.

You sound very young and I’m not sure what there is to lol about but you could spend the time getting some financial information together so you are prepared to make some safe decisions.

I know you said you were using protection, but you might want to get an STD test if you think he has possibly been sleeping around?

Best of luck

Just putting my personal situation on it - do you know for sure he had a vasectomy?

Not beyond the realms of possibility that he thought it worked instantly when it can take months for a clear sample

Does sound odd alongside them spending more time together

Sorry seen your update - I'd think I'd want to see some sort of proof to be sure

I did think it was odd she messaged me instead of him, made me think she wanted a reaction or to hurt me tbh.

"Wrong number - who this?"

Sounds like he has slept with her.

Claiming she’s pregnant if she is isn’t, seems like major overkill. Of course she’s going to have to prove that. And if she wasn’t planning to keep the baby, why would she tell you?

So best case scenario is that it isn’t actually his baby, but he’s done enough for her to be able to claim it is.

Did she claim how far along she is?
That will make the chances either considerably higher (if 4+ months) or considerably lower.

Either way you need to speak to your partner and he needs to do his sample regardless

His recent changed behaviour suggests he has been sleeping with her. Or at least, doing something with her that he really, really shouldn’t have been doing.

It’s possible she’s not pregnant (or it’s not DH’s) but that he has slept with her. Ex sees this as a way to get him to own up to it as you’d be looking for paternity proof etc.

Good luck with speaking to him 😢 once you tell him you’ll have to do paternity testing etc his reaction will tell you everything.

She could be lying about it all to derail your relationship of course.
Or on the other hand he could be a deceitful, stupid who you need to drop like a stone especially if he tries to blame you for not giving him enough attention! Don’t let him gaslight you.