First cousin marriage

[Sprinklewithsugar]

Trying to understand why this still happens in the UK between educated, intelligent people. Especially when the risks of genetic inbreeding are well known, not to mention the pressure it puts on the NHS.
Why do people opt to marry close cousins when there are surely other prospective spouses available?
Why do intelligent, educated people take part in such customs?
Genuinely curious.

Why do some people get forced into arranged marriages?

You can be perfectly happy living your life one minute and the next you’ve been “sold off” and signed away to the “most suitable option”.

It doesn’t matter if you are in a long term relationship already - that relationship doesn’t exist if they aren’t the right religion or from the same culture, and it doesn’t matter if you don’t want kids, you are expected to have them and that’s that.
It doesn’t matter if there is a huge age difference, you just be thankful that in this county there are laws about marrying underage.
It doesn’t matter you’ll be living with a stranger you don’t love when you were already in a happy relationship.
It doesn’t matter you get dragged from your home country to live in the uk with a stranger away from all your family “because that’s where your new husband and new life is”.

And you can hate the situation, wake up every day feeling sick and dreading what’s to come, you can feel so desperate that you wish for another lockdown or even war to break out (awful but desperation means you don’t think straight) you can cry and drink far too much to block things out, the one thing you can’t do is go against it or argue back - not if you don’t want violence in the name of family honour.
And for anyone who thinks that involving authorities would stop any of this - don’t be naive, it wouldn’t.

If you hadn’t guessed I’m actually in this current situation. I’m not being racist or prejudiced, I’m speaking the truth because I can’t tell anyone in real life right now.

I have literally weeks before my life changes forever and it might not be a cousin marriage but of course it’s still a member of the same “community” who was chosen for plenty of reasons but not one of them was love.

I’m so sorry, is there no way you can get out of this? If they are a non british citizen you can object during the visa process I believe. Do you live with your family?

Sikh women’s aid may be able to help you (doesn’t matter if you aren’t Sikh, they help any woman).

Marrying relatives with a variety of connections going back in their family trees is fairly common in isolated communities too. Some scientific studies have uncovered increased incidences of genetic variants in Shetland for instance, some of which can mean an increased risk of passing on certain diseases.

Whilst the marriage between first cousins is legal, perhaps the onus should really be on the couples and their families to avoid intermarriage through multiple generations if at all possible.

In some communities they go out of their way to avoid intermarriage. I once worked with a young woman who had an arranged marriage, and the relatives actually got someone to check both family trees going back many generations for any possible familial link. If one had been found, then the wedding would not have gone ahead.

But cultures where first cousin marriage is prevalent do have children. Lots of them. And when those children marry their cousins, the second generation cousin marriage danger is compounded.

Are you in the UK?

Look up Karma Nirvana they have a website expert in forced marriage, i know the founder they can help.

Well then surely being banned from marrying your sibling impinges on personal rights. Are you suggesting that should be legalised? They are pretty close to being the same thing.

@LiveLoveLaughQueef

there are options out there, it may mean cutting off your family but you can get help x

I don't like banning something in a general population just because one subculture goes wrongly about it.

I can totally imagine older cousins living together and marrying for legal reasons - and I believe that should be allowed. I believe that if a random cousin couple accidentally created a child, such a child has a right to live in a full family. Yes, the culture about dowry is absurd, families controlling their members are awful, but banning cousin marriage wouldn't solve it .

I’m sick of people saying it’s a Pakistan thing, cousin marriage is a practice beloved by every aristocracy in every skin colour you can think of, indeed everywhere there’s money on the table.

It’s not a good idea anywhere. We know this.

I can’t see how it’s remotely ethical to have children you know you might gift disabilities to as a result of your life choices, but that’s another question.

It’s legal, along with similar such as alcoholics having children with fetal alcohol syndrome.

No one’s baying for the drunks’ blood, one notes. Maybe they should be.

exh came from a small town - his first cousins got married……..one child who has birth defects and many many miscarriages

They’re not religious nor is it a cultural thing

It’s complicated but I’m not the woman being married off, It’s my long term partner of 11 years being forced into marriage. He is absolutely desperate to get out of it but he genuinely believes the woman’s family will commit violence against his own family if he goes against it.

This was on the cards for years with an expected marriage between the families, he got to 40 and suddenly was told papers had been signed and it was going ahead. He doesn’t know the woman properly but she’s younger and he’s been told that after marriage there needs to be kids. My partner is autistic and won’t cope with having kids, he struggles with a cat.

I feel for this woman terribly, she’s going to be brought to this country away from everything she knows and doesn’t speak the language. I know she’s also too scared to go against it. It does seem she’s not quite as against it as DP but I have no idea if that’s down to fear, I’ve been kept in the dark a lot.

It’s a mess and I’m on the outside unable to do a single thing but it’s my life that’s going to change as well. It’s hurtful that I’m classed as absolutely nothing, like a piece of rubbish to be tossed aside.
After 11 years, a home together and a very happy relationship where we were more than happy with our decision not to have kids its utterly heartbreaking it meant nothing.

Both me and DP are ND, it’s been us against the world and we are a huge support to each other, if this goes ahead it’s going to cause chaos and devastation to multiple lives in the name of a religion that 2 out of the 3 don’t follow.

I have been trying to cope for weeks but I’m struggling now, I can’t tell anyone as it’s so humiliating. My DP wants to stay in the same place to be near me but it means everyone in my small town will find out and I’m so humiliated and I’ll be a joke. How can I ever explain?

To keep family wealth within the family. The educated people partaking are more often than not, emotionally blackmailed into it .

There's lots of people who have children and pass on disabilities, sometimes knowingly, hoping that it will skip a generation etc. I've read of couples who have children with a disability yet go onto having another despite both being carriers of xyz, hoping against the odds. Older mothers, of which I'm one. Should I have not had a child?
Where do we stop?

It should be banned, the medical outcomes for children of first cousin marriages are horrific.

“Where do we stop” — at first and even second cousins once removed marriages that is where.

What will happen if you don't go ahead with it? If you refuse?

I responded to someone else further down the thread with the full story.

like others have said, isolated cases doesn’t come with a hugely increased risk, but it’s when it goes back generations where it can cause bigger issues. Commonly, two brothers from one family will marry two sisters who are their cousins. The children of these marriages will then go on to marry each other so it’s actually an even smaller gene pool than straightforward first-cousin marriage.

It's incest and of course it should be forbidden.

I knew an elderly couple first cousins. The wife died a few years ago. All of their children had difficulties and serious health problems and their grandchildren suffered even more. They’ve all either died young or had learning difficulties or other disabilities. Wether that happened because of them being first cousins but it was quite sad to see how they all eventually became.

It’s my DP being forced into marriage and he genuinely believes the woman’s family are capable of “honour killing” one of his own family. The families aren’t in the uk so he said the fact it’s a Muslim country means it would be encouraged not prevented.

I know this sounds completely unbelievable and like it’s to stir up religious hate but it’s 100% true. I changed name after an outing post yesterday but I’ve been on mumsnet for a long time and regularly post.

I wanted to start my own thread but too scared I’d be outed as I post a lot so I could be easily identified by details. I’m really struggling with this but powerless to stop it.

No, they were second cousins (ie they shared two great-grandparents not two grandparents)

Yes I see.

Fairly sure you, as a third party, can report this to prevent it happening. https://www.gov.uk/stop-forced-marriage