Accepting that you meant nothing

[meaningnothing]

I recently broke things off with a guy after 4 months of dating. We are in our mid 30s. Things had been good until the last few weeks when I began to expect my feelings were stronger than his and when I asked him a few times if he was where I am and if we'd be making things a relationship soon, he said that he was 'trying to get used to the idea because he hasn't had a relationship in a very long time'. I took this to mean he wasn't that in to me cos he wasn't jumping at the chance of having a relationship with me. We were exclusively seeing each other at this point btw.

We had a (in hindsight silly) argument, and all my feelings came to the surface and I said how I wasn't going to be waiting around for him to decide if I am good enough to be in a relationship with, and broke things off. He said he was shocked that I was breaking things off but understood and respected how I felt. I responded to this message saying I deserved better and more and that it was a massive shame as we'd really enjoyed each others company.

It has now been over two weeks and he never responded to the message. I'm just so hurt that after everything over that past 4 months, he can just stop communication and not care at all. I suppose it makes my assumption that he wasn't that into me true, he didn't want to try or fight for me and I feel so rubbish.

I'm really struggling with the feelings of rejection and my own judgement that before the last few weeks, things were going well.

You dumped him, and you’re annoyed that he hasn’t replied to your message stating that you “deserved better and more”? Ridiculous.

And now u r on MN looking for the same validation. You broke up with him. He moved on. You obviously haven’t. He didn’t do anything wrong, sometimes relationships don’t work out. You need to find a way to let it go and move forward instead of obsessing on the past.

Telling yourself you meant nothing isn't helpful or very good for your self esteem. What did you want. Declarations of love, promise to marry. I think you pushed him after quite a short time. But you ended it. He didn't.

It's not "using" you to keep seeing you until you tell him it's not enough for you. Sounds like he took you at your word - you wanted more / different. Would you rather he was love sick and pestered you ceaselessly? This is real life, not a romantic film. If real people do these kinds of things, they are usually stalkers who can't take no for an answer. A decent person will respect another's decision - and he did.

If you wanted to see if it would work, perhaps you should have had a discussion OR waited a bit longer as 4 months is not long to get to know someone once you're out of your teens.

On the other hand, maybe your gut was telling you this wasn't right and would never work for you. Just accept and stop ruminating on how he felt about you. For all you know, he could be heart broken. He's not going to demean himself by telling you that.

I don’t know. I think after 3 months you kind of know If you want to call it a relationship or not.
I think the OP did the right think to ask him where they are and break it off.
However, OP I think you just need time to process it as it looks like you liked him. It’s a good thing it happened now so that you don’t waste your time with him.
Chances are he might contact again but do not go back unless he tells you he wants a relationship. Otherwise you will waste too much emotional energy and you are making yourself emotionally unavailable, thus making it difficult for the right man to walk in.

If you want a relationship where you break things off to feel wanted as part of a relationship pattern you have to accept that the majority of people won’t want a relationship pattern along those lines.

There will be some fellas that do like being stuck in these relationship patterns. But often those relationships are not worth being in.

So you played a game to test him and he’s failed by not even knowing the ‘rules’ of your game he didn’t know he was playing?

With respect you are sounding very emotionally immature here. You dumped him and are biscuit that he’s getting on with just life ratter than begging you to take him back? That’s very teenage imo.

He has done nothing wrong.

I’m kind of with you on this: If you’re seeing, sleeping with someone exclusively for 4 months - that’s a relationship. If he didn’t see it that way - ie it was just no commitment fun - then it’s best to move on, don’t torture yourself with regrets, you did the right thing. And don’t take the ‘it was too soon, all your fault’ shit seriously either!

But you don’t know any of that. You have no idea how he felt after the break-up, because he acknowledged and then stopped contact, which is pretty normal. Maybe he was hurt. Maybe he was relieved the decision had been taken out of his hands. Maybe he felt you were right to end it because you were more into him than he was into you.

How would he have been ‘using you’ if you were in a consensual situation of seeing one another for a few months? All the early stages of relationships are experiments being made by two people. This one didn’t go anywhere, but again, that’s hardly unusual.

Sounds so similar to my ex! His initals CN? Suprise me literally text book

I actually think you did the right thing. Relationships don't need to be rushed but 4 months in should be well into the honeymoon phase where there's lots of talk of the future, excitement and all the hormones and chemicals are working their magic.

It's hard for you because you were in the honeymoon phase, he obviously wasn't feeling it. Its tough but better than wasting months or even years persuing somebody who is emotionally distant and by the sounds of it a complete time waster.

Draw a line under it. It's been two weeks he's made his feelings clear and you aren't on the same page. It's time to move on. 4 months is very short, get back in the saddle maybe and like up a few more dates, it can take ages to find somebody you actually click with and share the same goals.

You gambled and lost.

The gamble was breaking up with him, expecting him to come running after you and giving what you wanted - a committed relationship. He said he agreed with your decision, respected it...the end.

As an aside - I'm old enough that when I was in my mid 30s there was none of this questioning about whether you are in a relationship or not - if you were having sex with the one person (more than a one night stand and going on for months) and not dating/sleeping with anyone else, you were in a relationship.

He probably still wanted to keep his options open, and you made it clear that you did not. Therefore your goals were not the same and he agrees with you ending it. He's also doing the right thing by not coming back, using you just for sex. Believe me, there's plenty of men that would.

I think you hoped he would realise what he lost and change his mind. But you see if he wanted to he would!

I think he's behaved well would you prefer him to lead you on? Course not

Rejection is tough, course it is but you want to be with someone who is sure of you.

There's plenty more fish in the sea as they say but you need to be more relaxed in the early stages you're still getting to know each other.

I think the guy behaved refreshingly well, OP is clearly looking to fill a void, either via a man or MN :/ 4mo was rushing it.

Lots of relationships don't work out. It doesn't mean they were a waste of time. You will learn from it going forwards and meeting someone else. Let this one go, he's not interested and neither of you owe each other any more explanation.

Yes, this must be pretty hard to deal with, I'm sorry! But on the positive side, at least you know, and can focus on yourself and/or finding a relationship with someone who wants the same.

So he was happy with the way things were, and you wanted more?
The fact that he hasn't contacted you means you did the right thing.
Try not to let it knock your confidence. It's bloody difficult to find someone who's on the same level as you. A lot of people put up with one-sided relationships because they don't want to be on their own. You know what you want and that's a good thing.

It was very early days. You did finish with with him He's respecting your wishes and not harassing you. He may well be very very upset and surprised and nursing his own bruised ego. I do think you're projecting. Find your own worth in yourself and fight for your self. It's the only way in the end.

You dumped him so you don’t get to sulk he isn’t ‘fighting’ for you

4 months IS the ‘dating stage’ though

Kindly, OP, have you had many relationships? I ask this because 4 months is still the dating stage. You've barely seen much of the real them at that point because you're both on your best behaviour. Even if you did stay over and have sex.

I think you should trust your gut feeling that he wasn’t into you as much as you were him and it wasn’t right.
Take some time out to focus on you. Maybe a project.
The right person is out there for you.

Op for what it’s worth, i think you made the right decision to tell him what you wanted and then walk away because he was unsure. If he becomes SURE he’ll come back.

For now him not getting back to you is telling you everything you felt in your gut was right.

Despite what others are saying 4 months is long enough to start an exclusive relationship with someone- some of the responses is why situationship culture is so strong nowadays. People are happy to sleep with you, introduce you to family and friends, spend all their free time with you, talk about everything from life to love but can’t decide if they want to pursue a relationship with you. 4 months is enough time! If not they are avoidant or possibly using you as a placeholder - if so 4 years isn't enough for them !

Sorry this happened to you OP.

Unless someone is very damaged or fresh of of another relationship, being in one with you shouldn't take 'getting used to'.

I think you did the right thing - there's lots of men who coast along with women like this, mainly for comfort and the availability of sex, and it's understandable you don't want the same.

Crikey you’re very hard work. YOU ended it - it’s his prerogative to respond, or not, however he wants to!