Accepting that you meant nothing

[meaningnothing]

I recently broke things off with a guy after 4 months of dating. We are in our mid 30s. Things had been good until the last few weeks when I began to expect my feelings were stronger than his and when I asked him a few times if he was where I am and if we'd be making things a relationship soon, he said that he was 'trying to get used to the idea because he hasn't had a relationship in a very long time'. I took this to mean he wasn't that in to me cos he wasn't jumping at the chance of having a relationship with me. We were exclusively seeing each other at this point btw.

We had a (in hindsight silly) argument, and all my feelings came to the surface and I said how I wasn't going to be waiting around for him to decide if I am good enough to be in a relationship with, and broke things off. He said he was shocked that I was breaking things off but understood and respected how I felt. I responded to this message saying I deserved better and more and that it was a massive shame as we'd really enjoyed each others company.

It has now been over two weeks and he never responded to the message. I'm just so hurt that after everything over that past 4 months, he can just stop communication and not care at all. I suppose it makes my assumption that he wasn't that into me true, he didn't want to try or fight for me and I feel so rubbish.

I'm really struggling with the feelings of rejection and my own judgement that before the last few weeks, things were going well.

Sorry, OP, but I don't understand the issue at all. You were dating someone you really liked, he seemed to like you too, you were both exclusive with each other...is that not the start of a relationship? What were you expecting?

You then dumped him. He respected your wishes and himself and didn't chase after you.

You ended it with him because he wasn't giving you the level of attention and confirmation of feelings that you needed so I don't get why you're so surprised he never replied and hasn't been in touch. I would take that as confirmation that he wasn't really bothered about the relationship and that you did the right thing ending it. If you have to second guess a relationship then it's not right.

“Problem was, that I thought the early stage was supposed to be the 'Honeymoon phase' and he is supposed to be more sure than ever at this point?
I did think, if he isn't feeling it now, he never will.”

@meaningnothing - do you not see how illogical it is, expecting someone to be at their most sure and committed when you’ve just got started? How would that make sense? Or even if it made sense - that kind of initial intensity often burns out leaving nothing (just look on here for stories of women who have been love-bombed). Early certainty is more a red flag than anything because it’s not based on true knowledge of the partner.

Not all relationships have a honeymoon stage but where they do the honeymoon stage is something that evolves with the relationship. For me, if there was a honeymoon stage, it didn’t even start until about 9 months in when I was feeling fully committed.

You seem a bit governed by hyper-romantic ideas about how a relationship should go. You are very vulnerable to being love-bombed and then dropped but in this case your ex was not love-bombing you but allowing the relationship to evolve at a sensible and reasonable pace based on really getting to know each other.

Look, it may have gone nowhere with him. But you actually don’t know because you shut it down after 4 months. I really feel there are some lessons here for you around giving things a bit longer (I would say 6-9 months) if they are generally going well, and then assessing then.

Maybe he fancied you like mad and enjoyed your company, but simply wasn’t sure whether he saw the potential for a longterm relationship, especially if, as you say, he’d been out of the dating world for a long time?

The only behaviour you can change here is your own, OP. Either you meant it when you ended things, and it was the right decision, as you were developing strong feelings for someone undecided about you, or you didn’t really want to end things, were trying to force him into a declaration, and had your bluff called.

And, either way, it’s in the past. If you now think it was the wrong decision, all you can do is chalk it up to experience, don’t do it again, and decide whether you want to tell him you think you made a mistake and ask for another shot.

But I can’t help noticing that you talk far more about his presumed lack of feelings and whether you ‘meant nothing’ to him than your own feelings about him, which suggests to me that it was your ego, rather than your heart, that got bruised.

You were dating and enjoying yourselves and getting to know each other. That's not being more sure than ever, that's just seeing how compatible you are and that's healthy for the early stages of a relationship. Unfortunately, you both found out you were incompatible because you got needy and dropped an ultimatum.

You wanted more faster than he did. He didn't want to rush things. It almost sounds like what you want is a love bomber who makes ridiculous promises in the early dating days and goes overboard to hasten their partner's attachment (or drive them away).

Surely agreeing that you are seeing each other exclusively is a relationship. At 4 months that seems an entirely appropriate level of commitment. You are still getting to know each other. What more did you want or expect?
He sounds like he is a decent man. He hasn't led you on or promised anything he can't deliver and he respected your decision when you said it wasn't working for you.
You tried to manipulate him into doing what you wanted. You shouldn't complain or blame him for breaking the rules of a game he didn't even know he was playing.

4 months 16 weeks in.

You sound very full on and wanted more sooner than him.
You didnt get what you wanted in 4 months and ended it he agreed now you want him to beg for you back.
Tbh op you done him a huge favour.

Side rant years ago people hardly met each other saying how in love they are and moving in the following week having babies in a year.
And wonder why it didnt work out and end up with dead beat dads or awful partners well thats because it was to fast to soon.

Now days people take time to get to know each other really get to each other.

But it takes time to develop feelings for someone.

I had no idea whether DP was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with 4 months in, that doesn't mean she meant nothing to me back then.

As far as he's concerned you dumped him. You're the one who rejected him, and that's fine. But why would he have gotten back in touch after being dumped? He's done what you're meant to do at that point, and disappeared from your life.

He was stringing you along so you took strong action and broke it off.

He's respected that. As he should. Only a weirdo would be chasing you after being told it was over.

Chasing wouldn't imply he had been into you. It would just imply he didn't like being told 'no'.

We need to get over this toxic idea that society installs in us that possessiveness is attractive or means love. It doesn't. It means they have boundary issues and are probably a total dick.

He was a playboy, luckily he's a playboy that respects 'its over'. That is all.

Your judgement was correct. Don't second guess yourself. He wasn't the one for you.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in wanting a relationship where feelings aren’t mismatched. But YBU to assume you meant nothing to him because he didn’t harass you after you dumped him.

It sounds like you didn’t mean to end the relationship but used it as a tactic to bring some drama in your relationship that you could mistake for passion.

It sounds like you might be equating passion with behaviour around not respecting boundaries. You wouldn’t be the only one who does this. But it comes with a lot of problems.

And ignore the 'youre too full on' bs. 4 months in, presumably shagging, it's ok to want to be in an official relationship. Tbh, it's the longest I would have given him too.

'Getting used to the idea of a relationship...'. Load of pish. Stringing you along to get the milk without the cow. Luckily you were not stupid and saw his bs and know your worth.

And that’s absolutely fine. I think the OP also made the right decision.

But she’s not happy with it, apparently, because it means she ‘meant nothing’, and she’s angry with him for nor protesting against her ending it, even though it was her decision.

I dated my current partner a whole year never slept together for the first 2 months as i want to be sure.
He was ok with it.
I liked him very much enjoyed him being around but i could not say i loved him in 4 months.
I had feelings for him but i was not sure if it was love or not.
9 months later i told him i had feeling for him more than just the dating butterflies.
We was both on the same page of things really got to know each other.
1 year 7 months later on we moved in together 8 years on 1 child and planning our wending.

I did not want to rush in to it like i did last time to find out my ex was awful i didnt know him at all.
it all moved so fast i was in love it was meant to be it all happened with in 8 months and i stayed a year with someone that i thought was the love of my life thank god i had no children with him.
All im saying is dont rush things or try to force things.

I think i'm struggling with the fact that I wanted validation that I didn't waste my time, that he did like me and our time together somewhat, and because he hasn't missed me seemingly at all and just got on with his life, it makes me feel like I was being used this whole time. And that he never felt a thing.

I could well be wrong here OP, but it feels like you tried to give him an unltimatuon and its backfired on you. It sounds like he's been decent about it

In the kindest way its over now so move on.
You it was only 16 weeks of fun.
Maybe he needed more time but you was ready for the next step.
You ended it thats your right to do so if you felt he was dragging his feet to slow.
He`s not going to beg you to take him back as he respects your choice.
As i posted above it takes some of us longer than others.
So you have to let this go now and move on its over its what you wanted.

He said he didn't want a serious relationship with you. You made it plain you did. He couldn't say much really to that other than sorry.

It's a shame but as soon as it became obvious you wanted different things he distanced himself.

There's no need to dwell on it. It would be worse if he string you along to get sex and other female perks from you while knowing it was not going to be an ltr from his point of view.

It's sad but I think you have to change the thought pattern to - did I have fun? Was the sex good? Did I feel loved at the time? Was it the right time to walk away? What did I learn from the experience? How did I grow from the experience? What don't I want to repeat from this, next time I meet someone?

Just because he may not have cared deeply, doesn't mean it was a waste of time. Or that you aren't loveable.

Its ok to feel sad that it didn't work out. Have a wallow, eat some ice-cream, get a haircut.
Then pick yourself up and start over. Dont ruminate on some guys feelings. They really aren't worth it.

You broke up with him.

He's accepted your boundary. You want external validation for your self worth from him by him chasing you after you ended it but you ended it because you weren't getting what you wanted out of the relationship.

You're not going to get what you want from him after you've ended things. He's not going to chase you, he took you at your word.

Time to move on and do some work on yourself.

Then you're looking at dating wrong.

You spent 4 months with him, did you enjoy that time with him? If so, then you didn't waste your time.

Going into every new relationship with the expectation that it's a waste unless this guy turns out to be the one, is a dreadful approach. The first year or so of a relationship is about getting to know the other person, working out whether your compatible or not. Just because he wasn't sure 4 months in doesn't mean he had no feelings for you, just that he didn't yet know whether you were right together yet.

I don't regret any of my past relationships, even the ones that ended badly, because while I was in them they were bringing something to my life. It sounds like up until recently that was the case for you too. So why is it a waste?

I read your previous thread on this too like many others. With respect you’re betraying a huge emotional immaturity here. Are you really in your 30s? Many of your messages are more like something I’d expect from a teenager.

You said yourself he told you he was having a good time and was surprised when you ended it. Four months is nowhere near enough time to know if someone is the one for you.

No one knows how things would have developed if you hadn’t ended it, he probably doesn’t know himself. Maybe you’re right and it would have gone nowhere. Maybe feelings would have developed.

But he sure as hell seems to know how to be respectful when someone tells him a relationship is over.

It wasn't even 16 weeks of fun as it hadn't been good for the 'last few weeks', so what - that's 3 months max of it going well which includes the first non-exclusive dating phase. Honestly, this is way too brief a relationship to be combing over so much and feeling this depth of regret. He didn't use you. You were both in the early stages, getting to know each other, you decided you wanted more (fair enough), broke up with him and told him you deserved better. Anyone who kept on communicating with you after that would be unbalanced. He's done the right thing moving on and it's not a reason to reassess and decide that means you meant nothing. Clearly you were both on different pages, which is why you broke up with him, why your break-up blindsided him, and why it's best that you aren't together. Have the courage of your convictions and accept that you ended it. Ending it means just that. Not that you use it to manipulate him into being more into you and enjoy him chasing you to win you back.

@meaningnothing - again, you’re talking about wasting your time but you only dated the guy for 4 months. You didn’t spend years with him. You wanted assurances that, even if they had been given at 4 months, could not be trusted and ended things when he didn’t give them. And as PP have said, if you had fun and learned stuff, then it was a worthwhile experience.

This is why some people (including me) are saying that 4 months is not long enough to be certain of anything. Even when you’re getting on well and enjoying each other’s company as it seems you were (and if you’re not, then it’s definitely not worth sticking with).

Look, some couples are on the same page from the word go and seem to remain on the same page forever (you see the occasional post on here from women who married and had children very quickly and are still loved up decades later). But that’s not most people’s experience. I know lots of very firm and happy relationships (mine included) where one or other partner took a while to really start feeling it.

I keep suggesting 6/9 months - I think if you’re not on a relatively similar page by 9 months in, it’s probably not going to happen. But some people might even see that as too short.

You seem to want to be told that finishing at 4 months was definitely the right thing to do and that he definitely didn’t care for you. Based on this thread, some people agree with you. But many of us don’t.

So you can either learn from this or continue to repeat your current patterns even though it’s not clear they’re working for you. I speak as someone who has had a lot of therapy and did a lot to break my own unhelpful habits. It can be done. But it does require you to admit to yourself that you may have made mistakes.

You didn't do much for his self esteem either did you. You told him, after only four months, that you deserved better and youd said more besides apparently. Four months is nothing and he's behaved appropriately to that timeframe. Are you this intense with everyone?