Accepting that you meant nothing

[meaningnothing]

I recently broke things off with a guy after 4 months of dating. We are in our mid 30s. Things had been good until the last few weeks when I began to expect my feelings were stronger than his and when I asked him a few times if he was where I am and if we'd be making things a relationship soon, he said that he was 'trying to get used to the idea because he hasn't had a relationship in a very long time'. I took this to mean he wasn't that in to me cos he wasn't jumping at the chance of having a relationship with me. We were exclusively seeing each other at this point btw.

We had a (in hindsight silly) argument, and all my feelings came to the surface and I said how I wasn't going to be waiting around for him to decide if I am good enough to be in a relationship with, and broke things off. He said he was shocked that I was breaking things off but understood and respected how I felt. I responded to this message saying I deserved better and more and that it was a massive shame as we'd really enjoyed each others company.

It has now been over two weeks and he never responded to the message. I'm just so hurt that after everything over that past 4 months, he can just stop communication and not care at all. I suppose it makes my assumption that he wasn't that into me true, he didn't want to try or fight for me and I feel so rubbish.

I'm really struggling with the feelings of rejection and my own judgement that before the last few weeks, things were going well.

I personally think he wanted an out and you gave it to him. He already wasn’t sure of his feelings about you so took his chance when you gave it to him. He didn’t respond to your follow up message because you didn’t really say anything different in it. He didn’t ‘fight for you’ because he didn’t want to. This doesn’t mean you’re worthless. You say you had really great times together so you were meaningful to him in those moments. But he obviously doesn’t see you as the long term ‘one’ and that’s okay. You’re in the ‘frog kissing’ bit.

Please don’t equate his rejection to personal worthlessness because it’s not. In fact you have bags of self worth as you stood up for yourself and set boundaries to protect your needs. You don’t know it yet, but you’re making yourself more resilient and capable to fight for yourself. You’ve got the ability to have your own back for now and navigate life independently of a partner for now. You’ve got this ♥️

I’ve noticed some women on here don’t give men time for feelings to develop.

I dunno. I think after 4 months of dating, someone ought to know if they wanted to be in a relationship with them or not.

Things had been going well and in the right direction so it seems a bit daft to end what could turn into a good relationship over a time limit.

This, he’s done nothing wrong at all. You called it off and now he is respecting that boundary. Personally I wouldn’t have had that conversation with someone after as little as four months, but different strokes for different folks. You ended it, he accepted it, not sure why you are confused or feel he should have done anything differently. You need to accept the consequences of your actions I am afraid.

I’m old but I don’t really get the concept of dating each other for 4 months exclusively but not being in a relationship.

This obsession with labelling seemed to have made dating far more complicated.

OP, you rolled the dice and it didn't pay off as you wanted it to. He accepted your decision as he absolutely should. A guy who does not accept the end of a relationship, which is what you clearly communicated to him, would rightfully be denounced
You were exclusive and still getting to know each other, a pretty normal place to be at 4 months. Even when you started questioning him, or expecting him to be exactly where you were, he was still respectful. He may well have been freaked out at your intensity but he was still nice about it.
Even when he said he was shocked but understood and respected how you felt (the correct response) you followed up by pretty much berating him. You got the last word, not sure it was worth playing the game though 🤷‍♀️

I guess, in future, if you like someone and see a future with them you could try not dumping them so that future has a chance to develop? 🤔

I can see that you’re hurt that you wanted things to move faster than he did. And you probably had stronger feelings and perhaps came across as a little too keen on progressing things in a new relationship.
But you ended it. You gave your reasons and he accepted them and ended contact. Your expectations of someone who wasn’t ready to then beg to get you back are unrealistic. He’s not going to because he’s told you he’s not ready. That’s no reflection on your self worth, but you either chose the wrong person or tried to make him commit too soon. You need to move on.
I understand how hurtful it is when you’re hoping that someone cares as much as you do and they don’t. But you can’t control the actions of another person, only yours. So stay dignified, leave this man alone and find someone who is ready.

I suppose I had no choice but to end things when I did then. Would anyone settle for seeing someone when they feel they are the one feeling it more? I doubt anyone would be happy to be putting themselves through that kind of stress and worry in the hope that things 'might' change.

Those saying I didn't give him enough time, how much time was I supposed to give??

@meaningnothing - 4 months is a very short period of time when you’re trying to work out if someone could be a life partner. You were trying to rush things. As a PP said, it sounds like you were struggling to handle the uncertainty which is inevitable in the early part of a relationship.

You had already agreed that you were seeing each other exclusively. To me, that sounds like a good start. It sounds like he was happy to continue down the path you were on for at least a while longer to see what evolved. Feelings that grow somewhat slowly but steadily are often a lot more reliable than huge passion from the start because they are based on really knowing the other person.

By 6-9 months, for all you know, his feelings could have caught up with yours. My DH was much more certain than me to start with but I caught him up and, by about 9 months in, was thinking in forever terms. Completely agreed that you wouldn’t want to give years to the experiment but 4 months was probably a bit on the short side in my view if the relationship was generally going well.

Also - having these discussions by text is always a bad idea. All room for nuance and subtlety is lost.

It’s done now. In my experience, the most painful life lessons are often the most useful. It may be that next time you will feel able to let the relationship unfold a bit more steadily without needing to test it quite so early.

I say the same as I and many others did on the previous thread.

But honestly, you have two choices here. Either get over it because you dumped him for reasons that felt valid at the time, or get back in touch and ask to give it another go.

You were trying to rush the relationship and force more of a commitment after only 4 months. Because he wouldn't give you what you wanted, you broke up with him. You sent him a message that he didn't respond to.

He's done. You broke up with him and that's it. Do you expect him to go back and forth with you? He's not going to. Did you think he would say, I don't want us to break up? You were still trying to get the response you wanted and that just isn't going to happen.

You had a nice little thing going but you got in your own way and that's it.

You did have a choice, you could dial down the intensity and see how things went for longer as you got to know each other. You wanted too much too quickly and self sabotaged. This is over, so learn to manage your feelings in the next relationship and get to know a partner before you insist on a label or commitment after such a short time.

You say you had ‘no choice but to end it’ - of course you had a choice. You tried to force his hand rather than enjoying what you had and going with the flow.

I don’t know what you expected. You ended it, he respected that, end of story.

Of course you had a choice. You had the choice to wait a bit and see how things developed, possibly giving yourself a six-month deadline your own head to see if things had moved on enough for you. And you had the choice to end things on the grounds that he seemed uncommitted and unsure. You made the second choice, which was a perfectly valid one. It wasn’t working for you, so you broke it off.

However, all of your posts on here since (and including your other thread) suggest you now regret this, or you didn’t actually mean to break up, it was just a ruse to see if he’d beg you to stay. But he accepted your decision, and has not contacted you since, which seems to be eating away at you.

If you got to go back in time, would you decide not to end things?

Yes, OP — is what these posts are really about whether to tell him you think you were wrong and you would like to give it another go?

Problem was, that I thought the early stage was supposed to be the 'Honeymoon phase' and he is supposed to be more sure than ever at this point?

I did think, if he isn't feeling it now, he never will.

And yes I definitely did panic over my feelings vs his, but I think for good reason as has been shown since.

As to your question: “Would anyone settle for seeing someone when they feel they are the one feeling it more?” - the answer is that a great many long-term relationships go through this phase. As I said, feelings often don’t evolve at an identical rate. My DH could have dumped me 4 months in on the basis he was feeling it more but he didn’t. One of my oldest friends could have dumped her now DH of 30 years for the same reason. In both cases, the party who cared more allowed things to unfold and the feelings of the other caught up. That’s 2 stories but I know so many similar ones. Life isn’t a fairytale where the partners’ feeling are entirely in tandem throughout.

No-one’s saying to give it years but I think 6-9 months is the right sort of period. If someone’s not matching your commitment after about 9 months, they’re probably not going to.

Maybe he was just enjoying your company; not desperately head over heels smitten but having a nice time. Four months is quite a short time and I personally wouldn't trust the 'we've been dating for six weeks and are completely in love!' because that's just lust and wanting to be in a relationship. Slowly and surely can build a more lasting relationship because by the time you are properly together you've ironed out all the wrinkles and know it's not just because you fancy each other something rotten. I hate the 'we're great in bed - this must be love!' assumptions.

You said you wanted to end it and he respected your decision. If you'd wanted to end it because, say, you'd grown to detest the way he ate his soup or you thought he was rubbish in bed - if he'd contacted you after you'd ended it you wouldn't be happy would you? You'd think he was hanging on and why couldn't he just accept that it was over? Now he has done and it's only because you weren't certain you wanted it over that you're dwelling on it.

So why on earth is he to blame

He shouldn't have pursued things if he didn't fancy me enough. He could of ended this in the 'dating' stage before he allowed me to start staying over and him at mine. I suppose he was getting sex out of it then

The honeymoon phase is about getting to know each otter and enjoying each others company. Not ‘being more sure than ever’

Feelings build. Some people are a slow burn and take longer for them to be sure about someone.

You’ve tried to force him before he was ready. and it’s backfired. He’s done absolutely nothing wrong.

And if you think you did right thing, why so much angst?

This is perfectly normal behaviour four months in.

Why don’t you pick up the phone and ask him to meet for a walk and a coffee? If you’re regretting it, give him another chance. The man did nothing wrong - he was respectful of your boundary when you ended it. That doesn’t mean you meant nothing. It does mean you were rushing putting a label on things. Why? It was a perfectly good burgeoning relationship.

I feel sorry for the poor sod. He’s done nothing wrong, enjoying going with the flow and seeing where this goes and he’s getting grief for being honest and respectful.