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Original poster

Fiance upset me with wedding planning commemt

54 replies

TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:17

My partner and I have been together for nearly 7 years and last month he proposed when we were away in the Lake District. It was so lovely. We have a very good relationship, get on well, laugh all the time, support each other.

We came home and while I didn't go into bridezilla mode, I did go down a rabbit hole of looking into venues, ideas, what we might like. We had a brief chat about what we'd want and made a list of people. I actually wanted a microwedding but he was keen to have more friends there. So far I've just been adding a few ideas to Pinterest and bookmarking some things but I wouldn't say I've gone wedding crazy. I would mention some ideas to him in passing and he wouldn't seem enthusiastic.

Anyway, my partner was made redundant recently so any wedding planning isn't happening for a while. I'm fine with that, we weren't rushing anything.

We saw a mutual friend who knows about the redundancy and understands the situation and asked 'well despite that, what kind of vibe or wedding would you like?'

My partner just said 'CHEAP... and cheerful but definitely CHEAP' she said well that's a budget not a type of wedding and he said something like 'Yeah well beforehand TheBlueRobin was going ON about different ideas and mentioning the wedding all the time' and I just looked at him stunned. I think our friend could see I was a bit annoyed and she had to leave to deal with her little one.

I just felt a bit humiliated and that he can't be honest with me. Maybe I have been in a wedding bubble but its a natural thing to be excited about. I should add this was all before the redundancy, I've not talked about the wedding since as we have bigger priories and busy lives. It just makes me feel the idea of getting married is a big chore.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2025 19:21

Whats wrong with wanting a cheap wedding? It was a flippant comment made at a time when he’s stressed about money and can’t afford a wedding and is probably just naturally worried about you wanting fancy things.

What is a microwedding?? How is it different to a small wedding? Not heard that one before

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:23

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2025 19:21

Whats wrong with wanting a cheap wedding? It was a flippant comment made at a time when he’s stressed about money and can’t afford a wedding and is probably just naturally worried about you wanting fancy things.

What is a microwedding?? How is it different to a small wedding? Not heard that one before

I'm happy to have a cheap wedding! I don't want fancy things. That isn't the problem, it's the dismissive comment and lack of interest in something that is supposed to be for us, even before the redundancy and financial concerns.

OP posts:
Calmdownpeople · 07/06/2025 19:24

You don’t see how your fiancé was made redundant and wants to not overspend on a wedding he doesn’t have the money for? And also that you are planning on the wedding things and all he can probably think is he doesn’t have the money. And that despite all of this you are taking about it a lot with friends and inadvertently making him out to be the bad guy?

OP YABU. You need to really think about what is going on here.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2025 19:25

But he proposed less than a month ago and has just lost his job - I think you are being a bit OTT

justasking111 · 07/06/2025 19:27

It's something that horrifies many men, the cost of everything for one day of celebration.

Throw in a redundancy I understand his joking. Underneath that I'm guessing he's feeling the stress.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:28

Calmdownpeople · 07/06/2025 19:24

You don’t see how your fiancé was made redundant and wants to not overspend on a wedding he doesn’t have the money for? And also that you are planning on the wedding things and all he can probably think is he doesn’t have the money. And that despite all of this you are taking about it a lot with friends and inadvertently making him out to be the bad guy?

OP YABU. You need to really think about what is going on here.

Yes if you read it properly you would see that priorities have changed and I'm fine with that. I'm the one paying the mortgage, bills etc, so I'm not living in doolally land. I think having a conversation about what we would like in an ideal world isn't unreasonable, for when we can start planning things. And my friend was just making conversation and I didn't say anything to paint him in a bad light.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:30

justasking111 · 07/06/2025 19:27

It's something that horrifies many men, the cost of everything for one day of celebration.

Throw in a redundancy I understand his joking. Underneath that I'm guessing he's feeling the stress.

It's something that horrifies me too. I wouldn't be wasting all that money on one day even if we were both in work.

Yes I can see he's feeling the stress, and I'm being nothing but supportive. Thankfully our outgoings are fine on my income, it's just thinking about next steps.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 07/06/2025 19:31

I think that it was unfair to embarrass you in front of the friend. If you were getting carried away with plans and ideas then I can see why he’d see it as stressful but he should have told you at the time rather than tell you friend first.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:32

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2025 19:25

But he proposed less than a month ago and has just lost his job - I think you are being a bit OTT

Yep it's been an absolute roller coaster

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 07/06/2025 19:32

It’s probably a gender divide in action - for him you mentioning wedding plans a few times was A LOT whereas for you it was nothing.

Also he was naturally concentrated on his redundancy so couldn’t think about anything else.

Snorlaxo · 07/06/2025 19:34

I believe that many men aren’t so fussed on details so leave it to the bride to pick stuff like flower arrangements. They want it to be cheap for obvious reasons and go along with it what the bride (or their mother) expect and want.

Does he know how much the average wedding costs ? Would he want to revisit the micro wedding idea ?

Sunatlast01 · 07/06/2025 19:41

He could have said it to you not the friend so I agree with you.

Darragon · 07/06/2025 19:42

I think this is a sign of who he really is, I'm sorry OP. It's not his concern about the budget (that's fine), it's the fact he didn't say to your face but made a snotty comment to your friend about you in front of you to humiliate you about your wedding ideas, he won't actually engage with wedding planning (except to veto your idea of a smaller wedding because he wants bigger but isn't prepared to plan or pay for what he wants) because he thinks it's women's work... if you're planning kids, this is how he'll be when the baby needs changing or you've been up all night doing feeds, he's going to make snotty comments to people and do absolutely nothing to actually help you.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 07/06/2025 19:43

Snorlaxo · 07/06/2025 19:31

I think that it was unfair to embarrass you in front of the friend. If you were getting carried away with plans and ideas then I can see why he’d see it as stressful but he should have told you at the time rather than tell you friend first.

I think it was the other way round, actually. With OP and the friend gaily discussing what sort of wedding she'd like. Her DP was sitting there, having recently been made redundant and feeling shit about it, knowing he can't afford it and was pretty much having his nose rubbed into the fact that it's his fault the OP can't have the wedding she wants. I don't blame him for snapping, to be honest.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2025 19:44

Darragon · 07/06/2025 19:42

I think this is a sign of who he really is, I'm sorry OP. It's not his concern about the budget (that's fine), it's the fact he didn't say to your face but made a snotty comment to your friend about you in front of you to humiliate you about your wedding ideas, he won't actually engage with wedding planning (except to veto your idea of a smaller wedding because he wants bigger but isn't prepared to plan or pay for what he wants) because he thinks it's women's work... if you're planning kids, this is how he'll be when the baby needs changing or you've been up all night doing feeds, he's going to make snotty comments to people and do absolutely nothing to actually help you.

It’s a bit of a leap that he’s going to be a crap parent based on one comment

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:47

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 07/06/2025 19:43

I think it was the other way round, actually. With OP and the friend gaily discussing what sort of wedding she'd like. Her DP was sitting there, having recently been made redundant and feeling shit about it, knowing he can't afford it and was pretty much having his nose rubbed into the fact that it's his fault the OP can't have the wedding she wants. I don't blame him for snapping, to be honest.

Edited
Show quote history

You make out like he was excluded from the conversation? And we weren't rubbing it in. She asked both of us a question and that was his response. I didn't even have a chance to say much, I just said we were still thinking about things. I felt like I had to downplay how excited I was and my partner's comment just made me feel deflated.

OP posts:
Darragon · 07/06/2025 19:48

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2025 19:44

It’s a bit of a leap that he’s going to be a crap parent based on one comment

Show quote history

No, it's a pattern that you see all the time on MN and needs raising. It's a bit of a leap to assume that this bloke is being expected to pay for the whole wedding like it's 1950 when OP's been clear she's solvent and financially carrying them ATM but several posters have made that jump.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:49

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2025 19:44

It’s a bit of a leap that he’s going to be a crap parent based on one comment

Show quote history

Agreed. He does do a lot. We have two cats and he does all the litter and wakes up at 6am to feed them without any issue. I've never heard him be resentful or say a comment like this which is why this blindsided me.

OP posts:
Berlinrover · 07/06/2025 19:51

It’s not the point of your thread but it strikes me as slightly odd that he was with you for 7 years and it’s only when he got made redundant he proposed.

Is he looking for work? Any new roles on the horizon?

I don’t know what your timeline for marriage is but I wouldn’t marry him until he’s found a new job.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2025 19:52

Darragon · 07/06/2025 19:48

No, it's a pattern that you see all the time on MN and needs raising. It's a bit of a leap to assume that this bloke is being expected to pay for the whole wedding like it's 1950 when OP's been clear she's solvent and financially carrying them ATM but several posters have made that jump.

Show quote history

I can’t see which posters have said that…

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:53

Darragon · 07/06/2025 19:48

No, it's a pattern that you see all the time on MN and needs raising. It's a bit of a leap to assume that this bloke is being expected to pay for the whole wedding like it's 1950 when OP's been clear she's solvent and financially carrying them ATM but several posters have made that jump.

Show quote history

Yes I was quite surprised at some of the responses. I'm financially responsible and interested in having a sensible conversation about wedding plans without being made to feel like I'm being too much or unreasonable. It's not like I've turned around and said 'oh £20k venue, yes please'. If anything I'm the more frugal one and want to make sure we don't get carried away.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:54

Berlinrover · 07/06/2025 19:51

It’s not the point of your thread but it strikes me as slightly odd that he was with you for 7 years and it’s only when he got made redundant he proposed.

Is he looking for work? Any new roles on the horizon?

I don’t know what your timeline for marriage is but I wouldn’t marry him until he’s found a new job.

No no. He proposed last month and got made redundant last week. We certainly wouldn't have got engaged first. He is actively looking.

OP posts:
Berlinrover · 07/06/2025 19:55

TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:54

No no. He proposed last month and got made redundant last week. We certainly wouldn't have got engaged first. He is actively looking.

Show quote history

Ahh ok my mistake! Thanks for clarifying.

Darragon · 07/06/2025 19:56

TheBlueRobin · 07/06/2025 19:49

Agreed. He does do a lot. We have two cats and he does all the litter and wakes up at 6am to feed them without any issue. I've never heard him be resentful or say a comment like this which is why this blindsided me.

Show quote history

So you're going to ignore literally everything else I said when I was supporting you and side with those telling you you're wrong? Ok. I'll leave you to self-flagellate in peace then.

@ToKittyornottoKitty you literally said it yourself in your first response to OP. You said "he’s stressed about money and can’t afford a wedding and is probably just naturally worried about you wanting fancy things."
How is that not assuming that he would be expected to pay? Why would you think he was stressed about something he couldn't afford if you weren't assuming he was expected to pay? Other posters have said things to the same effect.

This is a batshit thread.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2025 19:58

Darragon · 07/06/2025 19:56

So you're going to ignore literally everything else I said when I was supporting you and side with those telling you you're wrong? Ok. I'll leave you to self-flagellate in peace then.

@ToKittyornottoKitty you literally said it yourself in your first response to OP. You said "he’s stressed about money and can’t afford a wedding and is probably just naturally worried about you wanting fancy things."
How is that not assuming that he would be expected to pay? Why would you think he was stressed about something he couldn't afford if you weren't assuming he was expected to pay? Other posters have said things to the same effect.

This is a batshit thread.

Show quote history

Yes I expect him to contribute financially to his own wedding, you even typed out what I said which shows that I did not say I expect him to pay for it alone. Clearly both of them would pay for their wedding! Another leap from you.