Fiance upset me with wedding planning commemt

[TheBlueRobin]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 7 years and last month he proposed when we were away in the Lake District. It was so lovely. We have a very good relationship, get on well, laugh all the time, support each other.

We came home and while I didn't go into bridezilla mode, I did go down a rabbit hole of looking into venues, ideas, what we might like. We had a brief chat about what we'd want and made a list of people. I actually wanted a microwedding but he was keen to have more friends there. So far I've just been adding a few ideas to Pinterest and bookmarking some things but I wouldn't say I've gone wedding crazy. I would mention some ideas to him in passing and he wouldn't seem enthusiastic.

Anyway, my partner was made redundant recently so any wedding planning isn't happening for a while. I'm fine with that, we weren't rushing anything.

We saw a mutual friend who knows about the redundancy and understands the situation and asked 'well despite that, what kind of vibe or wedding would you like?'

My partner just said 'CHEAP... and cheerful but definitely CHEAP' she said well that's a budget not a type of wedding and he said something like 'Yeah well beforehand TheBlueRobin was going ON about different ideas and mentioning the wedding all the time' and I just looked at him stunned. I think our friend could see I was a bit annoyed and she had to leave to deal with her little one.

I just felt a bit humiliated and that he can't be honest with me. Maybe I have been in a wedding bubble but its a natural thing to be excited about. I should add this was all before the redundancy, I've not talked about the wedding since as we have bigger priories and busy lives. It just makes me feel the idea of getting married is a big chore.

I can understand why you are upset. But if you're planning to marry why aren't you able to discuss this with your fiance ? A simple 'sorry' if you felt I was going a bit overboard with plans but I would have appreciated that conversation privately rather than in company I felt (insert whatever)
Communication is key in any relationship. Hugs

Maybe he thought you were going to spend the next year or whatever talking about the wedding and he thought he’d find that a bit much.

Okeydokey have a good evening. I'll enjoy my self flagellation Saturday. I did think your response was a bit extreme but that's not to say I haven't taken it into consideration.

To be fair that does sounds draining, but also I'm not sure how we can plan a wedding without talking about it?

I definitely am planning to discuss it. He's currently napping after a long drive. I was just wondering whether I was right to be a bit upset or just ruminating.

Have you booked a venue and date?

I think if you've been together for 7 years and just getting engaged now he's not really that interested in being married. Sorry

I get where you’re coming from op, he was rude about you and made it seem like you were planning a wedding behind your means.

I can only imagine that he feels bad about the redundancy and like many people when they feel down, sometimes lash out and cause hurt.

From your description of your relationship it doesn’t sound like he would normally behave like that but you are going to find out what kind of a person he is like when the chips are down and whether this is a sign of further snide remarks or whether he will be more composed in future.

You sound patient and understanding.

Nope, we had talked about viewing a venue but then he got his redundancy news. Good job though as that would have been understandably very stressful.

Really? That's quite normal for most people I know, in relationships for 5-10 years before marriage. We have prioritised buying a house, doing it up and some travelling. I don't think he would have proposed if he didn't want to?

Thank you for your kind comment, we'll hopefully have a good chat about it.

For what it’s worth, this is my take on it too. He is probably feeling very humiliated that he can’t contribute to the wedding fund, and the topic is making him feel uncomfortable. However, in your shoes, I would definitely gently pull him up on the way he’s handled it, as that’s not a constructive way for him to move forward. Maybe you could elope instead and do away with the paraphernalia?

I think he is probably just stressed by the redundancy and doesn't feel able to think about wedding planning at the moment. My DH (of many years) is quite single-track, particularly with problems. So he would want to resolve one issue before thinking about another, while I might like the distraction of having something nice to think about - even if it's a long way off.

A redundancy is something that usually comes with a bit of notice. Did your partner actively look for work when he found out, or sit back? His comment and possible lack of ambition is telling of the relationship for years to come.

He shouldn’t have said that in front of your friend but maybe he just found all the talk of planning a bit much. He’s obviously stressed about money which isn’t an excuse for his bad behaviour but I wouldn’t make too much of a thing of it.

I think it's just an unfortunate set of circumstances.

You are excited and are entitled to be.

But the redundancy has taken the shine off it for him and now it's another stress rather than something to look forward to.

It won't stay like this forever but both perspectives are understandable right now.

I think you both need to just acknowledge that things have changed and you just need to reset. It's not your fault that your friends and family will want to offer congratulations and ask about it - and you are entitled to those moments.
It's not his fault that this is the last thing he wants to think about only a week into the shock of redundancy. It's a big blow to his self esteem and he will be feeling it, even if he's trying to be positive.

Good luck. I would cut your fiance slack as just reacting to the stress of a redundancy. At the same time he needs to understand that you have to be able to get excited about a wedding to be able to muster the energy to plan it and it was unfair to put that on you. As is, I'd accept the redundancy has upset any wedding plans and suggest talking about it again in 6 months when you know what's happening with your finances. You can then possibly look at micro or eloping as more appropriate.

He’ll be paying half, presumably?

You clearly have your own issues, not really fair to dump them on op.

Well based on your passive aggressive, patronising response I can’t imagine why you didn’t have a conversation about it with a positive outcome with your finance. 😂

I think you’re maybe reading too much into his comment. Any lack of interest in planning an actual wedding doesn’t really have any reflection of his view of your relationship.
surely he proposed because he wants to marry you, and have your whole life together…the actual wedding itself is only a tiny part of this which some people just don’t care for at all!

I probably am and I certainly don't think a wedding is the be all and end all.

It's ok to get excited about it though! I sprained my ankle the day after my DH proposed as I was daydreaming about our wedding - not my finest moment😂

I hate weddings and especially wedding planning. Nothing more tedious imo so I can understand your dp. It doesn't mean we don't love our partners. And tbh if you have a cheap wedding you don't have millions of things to plan really.

Are you sure you want to marry this man? I wouldn't.

Cut the poor man some slack. He's just lost his job and is probably stressed out of his head. Snappy comments on a regular basis, sure he's a prick. But 1 related to the thing stressing him out (money) when he's been made redundant, leave him alone.