Odd comment by DP - feel upset

[Foodoverload]

DP and myself been together for 3.5 years both mid 40s no kids. We were chatting with a single friend about using OLD apps. DP and I meet online. We were saying on paper we shouldn’t work as different interests, but we do work and would never have met if not online and our first date was amazing. DP then said foodoverload meets my social status requirements.

I found this odd and upsetting as if he is only with me as I can pay my way and he can show off I have a good job!

So, We don’t live together both own our own houses, both got a car and have good paying jobs. After bills we have money to do things, like meals out and 3 holidays a year. He does have more money than me.

i have gone to uni and have a masters and various other profession qualifications. He has none of that and has been able to be talent managed up to a senior position. He only started earning good money about 6 years ago.

I asked him to explain his comment and he said that wanted someone that ticked his boxes with the usual compatibility, but also someone that he didn’t need to pay for and was financially independent so we could go to nice places and holidays. I get this as I wanted the same - but would never think of it as social standing. He assured me he loves me and is with me not cause of finances.

it’s got me thinking. We had different upbringings. My family worked in a good job that allowed us a car, house in nice part of town and a holiday each year. He was brought up poor, saying no holidays, couldn’t afford a take away and on hand me down clothes.

DP has worked hard, which I am proud of. He wants to do expensive things and have the powerful car. He once said his car is a status piece as 6 years ago he couldn’t if afforded it, same with his house.

Now I feel I am being compared to his car and if I was to lose my job I would lose DP.

am I over reacting. Now in peri and my emotions are a bit over the place.

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I think you're being unreasonable, really. He's achieved an awful lot and I can see why he'd want someone who could hold her own financially. I'm sure he's met women who think he's a catch, financially, just as I'm sure you've met guys like that. It's much easier if there's equality in earnings early on in a relationship. Do you think he was just a bit clumsy in how he phrased it?

MN is full of women who own their own homes and are dating men who see this as an opportunity to sponge off them. Had he had similar experiences?

I’ve been with my DP for 13 years, we’re also in our forties with no kids, and we run our finances completely separately. That suits us both. If either of us could no longer work for some reason, we would support the other person, but it would be quite a shift and probably involve some resentment and therapy. We both have insurance and pensions in place for such emergencies but you never really know what might happen. We also didn’t want to get married.

what do you want out of the relationship? Do you want marriage and more security or are you happy always knowing you’ll have to support yourself? Worth thinking about and discussing with him as you both need to be on the same page.

I think relationships work better when people are financially similar. It's not something I'd worry about. Does he treat you to anything at all? Flowers? birthday meal? takeaway?

It sounds more like a ‘him’ issue than a ‘you’ issue. He said it in a clumsy way, but in all fairness lots of people look for things like this especially once we have more established lives. I’d pick the chat up again with him and ask him if he’d expect you to stay with him if he lost everything? I doubt he is with you purely for financial reasons.

You're being too sensitive. It's good that he recognises that you are financially stable and you achieved this all yourself.

Sounds like he's impressed not that he's putting you down.

As someone who grew up poor, I can understand his attitude. He worked hard to get where he is, it's so much harder to achieve this when already at a societal disadvantage such as he had.

foodoverload meets my social status requirements.

I'm sorry to be obtuse but what does this expression even mean?

What's he like about splitting finances, eg if you go for a meal does he work it out to the penny? Does he come to your house for several meals without contributing?

It’s hard to say, it depends how often he makes these kind of comments.

There’s nothing wrong with being very proud of yourself for your achievements but making comments about ‘status’ and things like that and constantly flexing about your car/house/money etc would put me off someone to be honest. I’d find it really tedious and cringe.

I think he means it as a good thing in that you aren't some gold digger looking for a man with own house and car!

I re-read several times and Foodoverload is her username (I rarely register usernames so I was a bit confused)

Oops soz I wanted to quote the PP (again, haven't registered username) who was a bit confused by the sentence "Foodoverload meets my social requirements etc..."

I don't see an issue with what he said. It's a reasonable stance to have. I wouldn't date someone poor and in debt. DH were both seeking people on a financial equal footing.

Oh now I feel very stupid!
I hadn't noticed the OP's name.

OP (now I know your username), I think it's more of a testament to your financial stability and indepensance than a comment to put you down.
I wouldn't overthink it, might be a bit clumsy but not mean.

Is he generous?

Do you think he was just warning your friend not to lose out by dating someone who was in a different financial situation to her?

I think it was a clumsy compliment. He sees you as having a higher social status than him, appreciates that but it doesn't mean that it's the only reason he's with you.

Yes, you're over reacting.
So many posts on here, by women, who want to date solvent men, and are continually told to run if there's any disparity.
It should be no surprise that men also feel the same, and want women with incomes, ambitions, and approaches to life, that mirror their own.

Same here. Took a while.

He is not a money pincher. We split everything 50:50. We have an entertainment card that we transfer money to each month for going out etc.

he does treat me as I do most of the cooking. On holidays he upgrades the flights. He isn’t one for treats but will go big at Christmas etc.

Oh if you lost your job you would absolutely lose him. He basically told you that outright.

I’m going against the grain.

I understand his desire to date someone financially independent however I think if you were feeling cherished and valued the clumsy comment wouldn’t have stung.

I’d also assess your feelings about if you lost your job that he would break up with you. Do you have legitimate reasons to feel insecure in this relationship? If so give him the flick.

otherwise these feelings of being abandoned as soon as you are no longer useful or a status symbol for your partner may stem from your childhood and not have anything to do with him.

Either way it’s a bit shit that he is doubling down rather than letting you know that you are valued.

You’re overthinking it OP. He just means he doesn’t want to be with a lazy mare who is bumming off him.

I think his childhood haunts him, he doesn’t want to have to support someone financially- fair enough. He’s generous now and again.
I think he worded it clumsily.

Would you go out with someone poor? Or would you prefer someone of similar standing?

A friend met someone (he was a high earner) he wanted all the nice things in life and he was generous. But she ended it as she didn’t want to look like she was sponging off him. They did end up getting back together, but only if he agreed to do ‘free things’ cheaper nights out, cheaper meals, holidays etc. They’re married now, so things are different. She went to uni and got a better job, still nowhere near what he earns but she can contribute quite a bit to their lifestyle at least.
I’ve also another friend whose DH is the higher earner- she doesn’t work at all to speak of.
She followed him everywhere- across the globe so in fairness it would’ve been hard to secure work. She has a little self employed job making crafts- makes nothing, it’s a hobby.

What’s your long term plan? 3 years is quite awhile. Will you ever live together do you think?