Odd comment by DP - feel upset

[Foodoverload]

DP and myself been together for 3.5 years both mid 40s no kids. We were chatting with a single friend about using OLD apps. DP and I meet online. We were saying on paper we shouldn’t work as different interests, but we do work and would never have met if not online and our first date was amazing. DP then said foodoverload meets my social status requirements.

I found this odd and upsetting as if he is only with me as I can pay my way and he can show off I have a good job!

So, We don’t live together both own our own houses, both got a car and have good paying jobs. After bills we have money to do things, like meals out and 3 holidays a year. He does have more money than me.

i have gone to uni and have a masters and various other profession qualifications. He has none of that and has been able to be talent managed up to a senior position. He only started earning good money about 6 years ago.

I asked him to explain his comment and he said that wanted someone that ticked his boxes with the usual compatibility, but also someone that he didn’t need to pay for and was financially independent so we could go to nice places and holidays. I get this as I wanted the same - but would never think of it as social standing. He assured me he loves me and is with me not cause of finances.

it’s got me thinking. We had different upbringings. My family worked in a good job that allowed us a car, house in nice part of town and a holiday each year. He was brought up poor, saying no holidays, couldn’t afford a take away and on hand me down clothes.

DP has worked hard, which I am proud of. He wants to do expensive things and have the powerful car. He once said his car is a status piece as 6 years ago he couldn’t if afforded it, same with his house.

Now I feel I am being compared to his car and if I was to lose my job I would lose DP.

am I over reacting. Now in peri and my emotions are a bit over the place.

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Agree with this
its hugely encouraged on here for women to only date men in a similar financial position to them.

I don’t think you should read too much into what he said

You’re just making shit up

Ridiculous.

DP then said foodoverload meets my social status requirements.

I don't even understand his comment 🤔

I’d be concerned.

when I married we had similar “social status”. Ten years on and I was in an accident and became disabled. He was hugely resentful of the fact that I couldn’t do as much - both working and with the family and more generally. He wanted a sporty outdoors lifestyle and I couldn’t walk.

we are now divorced and his new wife is able bodied and very sporty and works full time and he’s very proud of her.

he treated me very badly after my accident because he couldn’t cope with having a wife who wasn’t a status symbol.

you can plan to always look after yourself financially and otherwise but sometimes life doesn’t go that way. He’s told you very clearly that if you get ill or have problems he won’t be there for you.

I don’t know that upgrading flights is that generous. He wanted to fly a certain class and not by himself so had to upgrade yours. Is he generous with others and in other ways like his time? Are his gifts romantic or practical? I think actions are often the best gauge of someone’s feelings and whether they are the type to take care of you (should you need it).

It sounds like he is very motivated by material things and status, and I guess any partner (you) also needs to fit into that aspiration and lifestyle.

It was probably a shock to hear him refer to you like that, though…

I think I would have to ask him where he could see the relationship going if you lost your job. It'll always be sitting there in the back of the mind.

Not sure my previous comment conveys what I want it to.
Wanted to say, if he’s the type to put your needs before his, like if you like Japanese cuisine that’s what he’s booking for dinner or say he knows you like the Blossoms band, then he’s suggesting a concert for a date even though he likes metal. Things are planned that are convenient for you etc. If you can see he looks after you now in the little things then if you needed looking after down the track for something bigger (like losing your job) then I don’t think you should be worried.

I would take it as a compliment!

Now that I have realised that @Foodoverload is your user name (I had originally turned this into something involving a too-heavy meal on your first date…?), I’d say it’s him acknowledging, somewhat clumsily, that you’re from a higher social class of origin, and have had a good standard of living for longer than he has. Bluntly, he’s not used to his income. Six years ago he wouldn’t have afforded his car and you possibly wouldn’t have gone out with him.

I wouldn’t read too much into it. He’s right saying that a degree of financial equality is healthy in a relationship - doesn’t need to be equal, but each able and willing to pay do the things you want to do - just takes away a lot of potential stresses. You said he didn’t grow up well off - so that financial independence is now important to him, maybe more than to you.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what he said. I presume you wouldn't be too impressed if he earnt minimum wage, had loads of debt, no ambition and lived with his mum!

Yeah, this. I don't see the problem.

@Foodoverload Depends on what kind of connection you want? If youre ok with matching on a tick-box level then i dont see an issue. If youre after a soul-level connection, it doesn't sound like he's your guy. Are you worried what might happen if your 'status' changes? Is there enough substance there to see it through?

When a man refers to his car as a status piece / symbol I just think, obviously lacking somewhere, cars are often penis extentions.
Misses point of thread.

He does think of me. I love food and experimenting and he is more traditional. He will boom into places i woukd love to try and he wouldn’t.

I suppose I would only date someone who would be able to do things (in reason) without having to think. I certainly wouldn’t be funding someone’s life. In a way he probably meant this but says it wrong.

he always said on our first date he was relieved that I wanted to pay half. He did pay and so I insisted on paying the second. He says so many women in his local are after his money. Said they didn’t look twice until they saw his car.

he did say his ex wife gave up her job when they married as she wanted to be a house wife and have kids. They didn’t as he said they couldn’t afford it with one income. I suppose this may have made him careful

Interesting. My exH and I had similar backgrounds to yours. When we met we earned similar, but after DC I went sahm, & later part-time. We divorced within a few years of this change. It became clear to me that my value to my exh was What I brought to the household financially. I thought we were building a family and a life together. So I would be very wary if you wish to change your current set up at all. Eg start a new career, travel, if health impacts

I think 'social standing' was maybe the incorrect term for what he actually meant, and went on to explain.

I’ll bet he’s got his eye on your pension, because if he wasn’t earning much until 6 years ago, and now all his wages are going on flash cars and big holidays, his own pension will be paltry.

It was really unromantic of him to say that in front of your friend tbh seeing as you said what a wonderful first date you had. He makes it sound like a business arrangement tbh and yoir relationship sounds conditional.

My DH has never said it out loud but I know he admires independent women who can look after themselves. He wants an equal. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable and if anything shows a respect for women and a lack of Misogyny.

He says so many women in his local are after his money. Said they didn’t look twice until they saw his car.

Haha this makes him sound like a right prick! Has he got a massive keyring with the brand of his car on it? He has, hasn’t he, and he leaves it on full display on the bar at his local, while he’s supposedly fighting all these women off. 😂

Cringe!!

Ok, I’ve changed my mind from my earlier comment. He seems to view women overwhelmingly as gold-diggers. Surely he and his ex-wife discussed how they would fund children and whether one of them would become a SAHP — she didn’t just quit her job without warning? And for him to then decide they couldn’t afford children on one income sounds as if he was cutting off his nose to spite his face, especially if he had a well-paying job? Does he in fact have no children purely because he thinks all women want to live off him?