Odd comment by DP - feel upset

[Foodoverload]

DP and myself been together for 3.5 years both mid 40s no kids. We were chatting with a single friend about using OLD apps. DP and I meet online. We were saying on paper we shouldn’t work as different interests, but we do work and would never have met if not online and our first date was amazing. DP then said foodoverload meets my social status requirements.

I found this odd and upsetting as if he is only with me as I can pay my way and he can show off I have a good job!

So, We don’t live together both own our own houses, both got a car and have good paying jobs. After bills we have money to do things, like meals out and 3 holidays a year. He does have more money than me.

i have gone to uni and have a masters and various other profession qualifications. He has none of that and has been able to be talent managed up to a senior position. He only started earning good money about 6 years ago.

I asked him to explain his comment and he said that wanted someone that ticked his boxes with the usual compatibility, but also someone that he didn’t need to pay for and was financially independent so we could go to nice places and holidays. I get this as I wanted the same - but would never think of it as social standing. He assured me he loves me and is with me not cause of finances.

it’s got me thinking. We had different upbringings. My family worked in a good job that allowed us a car, house in nice part of town and a holiday each year. He was brought up poor, saying no holidays, couldn’t afford a take away and on hand me down clothes.

DP has worked hard, which I am proud of. He wants to do expensive things and have the powerful car. He once said his car is a status piece as 6 years ago he couldn’t if afforded it, same with his house.

Now I feel I am being compared to his car and if I was to lose my job I would lose DP.

am I over reacting. Now in peri and my emotions are a bit over the place.

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That’s also a fair point. Does he dump you the moment you lose your job and struggle to get another, or have to stop working on health grounds, or decide to go PT?

@IfIDid this was before he had his well paying job and was on minimum wage. Apparently she did quit her job without speaking to him to prepare. He said he lost respect for her and it ended the marriage.

suppose his biggest value is a work ethic.

Your op is super unclear with how you teferend your handle and so at first read feels like a no rain out or a molehill. But one decoded the guy seems transactional, dochey, and maybe not to cherish you for you. Maybe a little more context on how he treats you would be helpful.

I suspect the comment indicates he may not have been exposed to a broad range of people and money situations?

Especially if he hasn't been to university, and if he's been in one organisation/lived in one place and trained up from apprentice level.

So he thinks in very binary, hierarchical terms in terms of life and money and life and class and career progression.

Either you're a "posh career ££££ woman" or you're a "gold digger" who is going to drag him down.

This isn't a dig at him, I think it's just the way certain social groups see the world.

Whereas amongst other social groups, it's seen as normal for people to have ebbs and flows....Or some people have ££££ but don't choose to spend it on going out/conspicuous consumption.

I know an Oxford educated guy who works in finance but lives like an alternative hippy with a matching hippy SAHM wife.

The richest guys I've dated have achieved FIRE through good early investment but look like tramps and travel cheap and eat Greggs and date "interesting" women they fancy.

Or one partner subs the other partner for a while, then they switch. Or factors like career fulfilment or reducing CoL or downsizing or moving industry come into play.

I wonder if he'd ultimately more compatible with a woman who thinks exactly the same way as him in terms of continously income maxxing?

I personally like the flexibility to live like a tramp some years. I would absolutely balk at having to fund three holidays a years to keep up appearances...Don't really like super expensive leisure activities so don't see why I should pay 50/50 on them.

but there will be women with similar values to him.

I can see why having a financially independent woman would be important to him then! People are shaped by what's happened to them.

My very objective opinion as someone who lives in poverty and therefore cannot relate to your situation but I’ll share my opinion anyway(!), is that it sounds like you’re looking for issues to have with him? Does it ‘bother’ you in any way at all, that he’s achieved everything he has without the degrees? Does it bother you at all that he earns more? If the answer is a very definitive no, then I would just let this one go as it sounds like he was joking with the “meets my social status” comment? Like the others have said, if he was on a substantially lower salary than you, then you’d be worried about the big imbalance and him taking advantage.
However if he wasn’t joking about you meeting his “social status” then that would be a whooooooole entirely different story. That kind of arrogance would give me the instant ick.

I think it was a very crass statement.

The question is, is your relationship in ‘sickness and in health.’

Do you feel secure with him if anything was to go wrong for whatever reason?

I do understand being on a level pegging, but it’s that what happens if…?

I can’t begin to imagine why you would take offence at this.

He wants to date someone who is his equal and can match his income and job.

Would you yourself OP go out with someone on the dole who was angling to move in with you and had to be paid for on every occasion?

Why do women think a man needs to finance them, i thought women want to be thought of as mature responsible adults?

See, as an old fashioned type, this is where I see marriage sitting. When you reach a point where similar financial footing isn’t the bedrock, when you’d stick together even if things went pear shaped, that’s when you’re ready to marry in sickness and in health, for better for worse, richer/poorer etc.

It makes it clearer what kind of relationship it is. Up until that point of commitment for even when circumstances change, then it’s a different kind of relationship. Nice, exclusive, but not committed. Which is fine if you both know that.