Has anybody ever..

[F0reverMisunderstood]

Has anybody ever dealt with a long term partner that was excessively dismissive?
I'm talking completely shutting down when bringing up a problem/letting you cry whilst they sleep peacefully/having absolutely nothing to say or unable to speak about anything negative/brushing absolutely everything under the carpet/never coming up with a solution and feeling like your talking to a brick wall/unable to apologise or see your point of view.

And I want to know, have you ever come up with a reason or an understanding of why this person does this? Like actual, real deep reasons.

Seriously. I want to believe there is a reason behind all of this and I don't want to believe I'v been dating a horrible man for 10 years of my life.

I know most of the answers will be "yeah he's an asshole" - I agree!!!

But what makes a person like this?!

I'm looking forward to reading your thoughts and opinions!

What you are describing is emotional abuse.

Respectfully, that's the wrong question, OP, and goes some way to explain why you've tolerated this kind of treatment for a decade.

It doesn't matter why he does it, it matters that he does it.

Your only concern should be with its impact on you. The only behaviour you can change here is your own.

Yes.

He was emotionally abusive.

I left him. He's still an abusive, conniving cunt but I no longer have to live with him. Things are better this way.

I think women spend far too much time analysing why an arsehole is an arsehole - trying to find reasons, trying to find some sort of logic or rationale. His upbringing, his past relationships, his trauma.

But actually, all that’s really important is that someone’s being an arsehole to you and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who’s an arsehole to you.

I wouldn't put up with that in the short term, let alone the long term. What are you hanging around for?

Just leave him and put an end to it.

Why doesn't matter because it's not like he's going to change a long term behaviour pattern with you because you tell him what you think is the cause and talk at him.

Work on why you have stuck around for 10 years of being treated like you are unimportant.

There are deep-seated reasons why people do this things which are mostly to do with their upbringing/genes. You provide a very small amount of "energy" in the form of a trigger for this behaviour but they are responsible for exhibiting the behaviour.

They have to solve it. They also have to be interested in solving it. The only way to find out if they are interested in solving it is to make this a condition to be in a relationship with you.

That sounds a bit like saying: I understand you are triggered into shutting down by something I have said or done. What I have understood is that the feelings of anger or need to withdraw you are having are within you.

I can't have the kind of relationship I personally need with someone who can't explore and change this reaction.

Would you be willing to go to therapy to help save our relationship?

If the answer is no, more than once, you really dont have a future in this relationship.

Just to add - although I'm sure it doesn't matter. Just to paint the bigger picture.

He is a fun loving kinda guy..

But when shit gets serious.... Nothing. Nothing. It's like he is brain dead.
He's never horrible with his words because there is no words. But that's what's horrible. The nothingness.

And I'm genuinely interested in everyones opinions. Not just on my relationship but in general, men that are like this.

You might find this article useful, but it's not only men who "do" this:

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

There is actually a book with this title. Its not bad. A few stereotypes of course. In the end, some talking will be necessary though.

One of the most important communication tools men can use is acknowledging that we’re experiencing a “jolt of shame.” Male shame is rarely acknowledged or talked about it.

Women seem to be better able to acknowledge their “jolts of fear” than men are able to acknowledge their “jolts of shame.”

We often assume that men “don’t want to communicate” about difficult issues. What we really mean is that men don’t want to talk. Even though women are generally better at verbal communication than men are, men will often open up and talk when they feel safe and they don’t feel criticized or blamed

^^
Some ideas, however stereotypical.

If you want the whys, try reading up on attachment styles and in particular emotionally focused therapy, which is based on attachment styles and understanding why people behave the ways they do.

That's a separate question to whether you want to have a relationship like that though

My DH is somewhat like this and I think it's a mixture of things: upbringing, firstly. I don't think he was raised with emotional connection, vulnerability, intelligence. I expect his parents didn't talk to him about feelings and he is therefore avoidant. He has an air of toxic masculinity. Thinks talking about feelings makes things worse. And unfortunately practice makes progress, so when you've had no practice, you end up middle aged and unable to tackle anything remotely serious.
And secondly, neurodiversity. He doesn't seem aware of his feelings or the feelings of others. I think it's called alexithymia. It makes talking very hard if you can't even access an emotion in the first place and drastically hinders empathy which would drive a want to support a partner.

Talking about the "brain dead" but, that is very typical of an Avoidant brain that "goes blank"

You can read more about it here

For the last three years, if I get the impression that the person I am speaking to is really an avoider, I ask this question. “This might seem like a funny question. Do you ever find yourself in front of your partner, they are speaking, and you have just gone blank? Can’t think of anything? Don’t even know what they are saying?” In these three years, 70% of these people have looked a bit startled, and then said, “Yes. Often.” Some describe it as happening many times a day when they are together with their partner. Often they tell me that they have told no one about this before, and that it has been a problem since they were little kids. I usually tell them that what I believe they are experiencing is probably low blood pressure in part of their brain and that this protective dropping of blood pressure is normal. I also say that we will deal with it later in our sessions together.

This is what I'm talking about.
"He's an asshole" answers and great and welcomed and yes I know he's an asshole but why?

I'm really trying to love all of him - the flaws included.
I'm not saying I'm going to try to save my relationship as he has hurt me deeply over the years with this behaviour but I would like to love and forgive him as a person wether that be in or out of the relationship.

Thanks so much for your posts. I will look into these.

@F0reverMisunderstood my recent ex was like this. A really handsome fun guy. His work mates were falling over themselves to tell me he was a ‘good un’. My cheeks hurt from smiling. After escaping DV and setting up home alone with no family or friends network, I thought at last, something to be happy about. After a few months together I started being vulnerable with him amd telling him v tiny bits - nothing overly dramatic- and nothing. As time went on, I noticed if I was ill or hurt myself accidentally he would either not believe me or imply it was my fault. It became infuriating. There was zero conversation also. Unless we were out and about I got nothing from him. In fact it seemed he only made the effort to vocalise when he wanted to disagree with me about something. In the end I broke up with him as it got to the point he made me feel more alone with than not with him of that makes sense. At least alone, I can read or occupy myself with something g interesting. I have no idea why he was like that. He seemed a caring dad to his 18 year and 21 year old and was ‘practically’ caring of me but the other stuff eventually grinds you down and becomes intolerable. I really empathise with you and have no idea why he is the way he is especially as he seems to have had a good upbringing and is on good terms with his family. Still sad about it 2 years later as otherwise he just ticked all my boxes and at 48 as I was then - that’s no mean feat. Ugh! I was so ready to love him 😔

Whenever I read posts like this, I am reminded of the song The Snake.
In the song a "tender hearted woman" finds a dying snake. She takes it home and looks after the snake. When the snake recovers, it bites the woman. The dying woman asks the snake why (after all she had done) did he bite her. His answer - "because I'm a snake.
There's your answer Op.

I think this is true in 80% of cases. A snake is a snake and it's not for the changing. But some snakes can be awoken, with the right TLC and the right motivation. I suppose OP wants to know if her DP is in the 20%

Maybe it's 10% ! But , I think not zero %. Which makes it tougher. Or you just go out and look for a new, emotionally available guy. But in my view, this is not the majority of guys out there.

Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Very similar situation.
He is always joking, laughing, happy and very chilled out. I thought he was an absolute catch when I met him, like god had rewarded me finally after leaving a DV relationship.
There's been quite a few minor bumps in the road as you can imagine, 10 years is a long time. But these minor bumps have never been dealt with as iv tried all different techniques to confront him - absolutely non seem to work.
So these minor bumps that could easily be resolve then escalate into something else - me being left to cry with no answers/resolutions, me feeling alone, unheard and unloved.
10 years of this takes a huge toll on somebody.
It took me a long time to realise there wasnt something wrong with me - it is in fact something that is wired into him.
I don't think I will continue in the relationship as somebody like this is not for me and Iv tried to "fix" him for way too long. Iv accepted. But I'd like to understand and forgive.

Just to add - he also struggles to watch anything sensitive on the TV. He will change channel or make a funny remark if somebody is crying. He can't bare to watch anything slightly emotional.

OP You're absolutely right to say this discomfort is INSIDE of him. He has to want to de-sensitize himself. Its going to take work. He's going to need to understand the relationship is at stake to find the energy needed to work on this. Its going to feel uncomfortable. But it's like sport. The more you do if it, the fitter you get. He may never become a champion athlete but he could become a decent jogger.

Ah, I think the fact you were previously in a DA relationship kind of explains why you're tolerating another dysfunctional man. Stonewalling etc are emotionally abusive behaviours.

At best, he’s emotionally immature and unable to deal with real adult emotions.

At worst he’s a self centred narcissist who prioritises his own needs over yours.

I dated someone like this and he fell into the latter. I realised that life was only going to get more challenging (kids, getting older, deaths, health issues) and that I needed a partner and not someone who I had to “shield” my emotional discomfort from so as to keep them comfortable.

Life is so much happier without him… and I cry a lot less now- go figure! X

So - he’s fun when everything’s going well, but he’s never there for you if it isn’t?
The reason he’s like this? Just selfish and lacking empathy. Try not to over analyze it