Has anybody ever..

[F0reverMisunderstood]

Has anybody ever dealt with a long term partner that was excessively dismissive?
I'm talking completely shutting down when bringing up a problem/letting you cry whilst they sleep peacefully/having absolutely nothing to say or unable to speak about anything negative/brushing absolutely everything under the carpet/never coming up with a solution and feeling like your talking to a brick wall/unable to apologise or see your point of view.

And I want to know, have you ever come up with a reason or an understanding of why this person does this? Like actual, real deep reasons.

Seriously. I want to believe there is a reason behind all of this and I don't want to believe I'v been dating a horrible man for 10 years of my life.

I know most of the answers will be "yeah he's an asshole" - I agree!!!

But what makes a person like this?!

I'm looking forward to reading your thoughts and opinions!

Thank you. I really appreciate the mature and understanding content you have shared with me. I am more than grateful.

Im positive he would not take up the challenge to acknowledge his behaviour, nevermind try to change it which is a real shame.
Iv already given my all and I don't have much left to give now.
I think it's a case of "Too little, too late"

Yes, unfortunately I think I may have fallen into that pattern which I tried so hard to steer clear of.

Very different from previous relationship. He had addictions and extremely physically violent. A self confessed "bad guy" from the begining - 16 year old me thought this was attractive. Something clearly not quite wired correctly in my brain also.

My current partner - complete opposite. Good upbringing, very calm, happy.
When shit hits the fan - nothing. Empty.

This 100%.

What are his parents like in emotionally challenging situations @F0reverMisunderstood ? He may have had a good upbringing but it's possible he wasn't 'allowed' to express his feelings of upset or anger? Do his parents appear to be able to express themselves emotionally and can they be vulnerable?

OP, you're welcome. I think this is a great opportunity for you too, to look deep inside to see why you've been attracted to/stayed with someone like this. It always takes two people to maintain a relationship so by its nature you have been feeding the beast voluntarily to you own detriment. Why does it feel ok to punish or deprive yourself in this way? No need to feel guilty, ashamed or anything negative. Just explore it gently.

He doesn't know his dad, he left at a young age.
His mum is very similar with her emotions I think, possibly not as bad.
She can come across as quite cold. I remember her doing a very personal and sensitive speech she had written at her father's funeral. Every word was so powerful. She never shed a tear. I always wondered how she managed to do that.
I don't know what she was like bringing him up. She's a great mum, would do a anything for him - probably quite spoilt really.
She now has a very rich husband in a terribly unloving relationship. Admittedly no love from her side.

Many more videos here

^^

I felt like I could have wrote this. My husband is like this although he wouldn't sleep while I cry. The issue only rears its ugly head once in a while as we generally get on and are on the same page with most things. I do not think it is emotional abuse but my husband just cannot communicate verbally at all under any perceived pressure or tension. When we were dating he was buying a car and the sales rep asked what deposit he had, because he didn't know the exact amount ( the savings hadn't matured so he only had a rough idea) he was unable to to give an answer. So instead of saying, I don't know about 7k, he didn't answer and the sales rep got increasingly frustrated. Over the years I have learnt to read him very well and I can tell from body language etc his thoughts. If we need a actual discussion or have a conflict its tough, and it infuriates me as I am the polar opposite and communicate very clearly. I don't have a solution but the pp who said it is abuse is wrong. It can be a way to abuse someone- Google stone walling and i had a previous partner do this to me. I actually think it is just very very difficult for some people to express themselves. I have found asking closed questions and probing and leaving the floor open helps. Some people are like tortoises, the more you push, the further they go in the shell. I feel your pain though xx

It could be that when his dad left he was not given a space to express his grief and he grew up emotionally 'stunted' as a consequence? I know someone who is great fun, really loving and apparently caring but if he has to deal with a situation where he is 'to blame' he can't talk about it. I'm not a phychologist but it sounds like he grew up feeling it was unacceptable to express sadness and therefore he can't deal with someone who he loves doing the same?

Regardless, that must be incredibly difficult for you to deal wiht and I would have to leave him for my own sanity.

I agree with you that it is not a straightforward case of abusive behaviour. It is often deep seated, learned, survival tactics. Someone a long time ago "endangered" them in their childlike brain and they survived by shutting down. Whatever tactics they took at the time became a skill, a habit they took into adulthood.

In adulthood it now longer serves them but they cling to it because it's the only way they know. The only way out really is therapy and learning new coping strategies in the safety of a therapeutic environment. But many will not put the time and energy into this.

Just for the giggles guys..
I cried so hard last night after expressing my feelings whilst he said ZERO words. my eyes are still puffy and we haven't spoken all day.
He has just popped his heard around the door and said "Do you fancy a pizza?" with a smile on his face.
Prime example!
And this is has been a constant cycle for a decade.

I really feel for you OP. I feel similarly with my DH. He’s all round a great guy. Will go above & beyond for all those that he loves but when it comes to the nitty gritty or tough conversations it’s like talking to a brick wall as you said. Lacks empathy when I’m crying or upset. Can just sit there in silence whilst I’m in tears without saying anything or giving me a hug etc.

my ‘deep’ thought on it is that he may have ASD. I have thought so for some time. And this is just one factor of many that led me to believe so. But have a little look in to it, as when I did it became very evident that it could be the case and made me see his lack of willingness to communicate or show empathy in another light. It’s still very hard to live with. But at least I understand that there may be reasons that DH CAN’T communicate or express himself in the ways I expect him to or do so myself.

I don't want to believe I'v been dating a horrible man for 10 years of my life.

Google sunk cost fallacy.

Yes. No hugs. No comforting. No words.
The initial issue doesn't get dealt with and now it's turned into a second even bigger issue.
I went through a huge part of our relationship thinking he didn't care, he didn't love me, there's something wrong with me, what am I doing wrong?
The actual physical pain I can feel in my heart and the loneliness has sent me into major depressive episodes over and over again (undiagnosed and very well hidden)
I'm slowly after all this time trying to understand it isn't my fault.

Some more thoughts from here:

Here’s the Situation
Boy, am I needy. I came to realize that I am very needy. I came out of my childhood needing lots and lots of attention. I can look back and hear voices of people complaining about how needy I was. When I finally began to understand this, I decided that I needed about 1500 love units per day. This was not my fault. This excess neediness was my parent’s business, but that’s all past now. Now it is my problem. So here I am needing lots and lots of love units each day.
My partner, not so much. My wife came out of her childhood with a very limited ability to produce love units. Her maximum on a good day is 50 love units. Oh, she can work lots and accomplish many many things, but when it comes to love units – not much. This isn’t her fault. This limited capacity was her parent’s business. But now it is her problem — and my problem, too, because I have been trying to get my needed 1500 love units out of a 50 love unit source for years.

Now What!So I looked at this situation and looked for my options

1/ My wife had the best love units available. She just didn’t have many of them. I wanted every one of her capacity.

2/ I can live alone. True, I am kind of degraded when alone, but I can do it. In fact when I travel for business I take care of myself pretty well.

3/ There are lots of love units in the world. I get love from cats, dogs, horses, friends, TV, music, radio talkshows, clients, audiences – wow, there are many sources! Still, among all these sources, my wife has by far the best quality love units – just not many.

My Fix: The Solutions in three Steps.
And thus here is what I did, and I did it right in front of my partner.

1. I improved my ability to live alone. I looked at my time alone and started to do a better job. I noticed that when I had lived alone, between my marriages, that I often did pretty well. I noticed that when I traveled for business I often did pretty well. I just was not in the habit of doing well when I was near my partner. So I practiced doing better. E.g. When I traveled, I always had a good book available. So, I learned to have a good book available at home also.
2. I improved my ability to get love units from other sources in the world. But, and this is a big but, never did I draw on a source that would threaten my partner. Remember, she had the best LU’s in town. I didn’t want to ruin my chances of getting them. So, for me, this meant that I could get love units from any person or any group as long as they weren’t single females. I built up a network of friends. I joined volunteer organizations. I gave presentations. I kept up with my pets.
3. I developed a super-fast switch. This was a skill to be able to shift from my partner as a source, to my living-along-skills, to my friends, and back quickly. If I was with my friends and my partner had some to share, I would drop my friends and head home. If I was with my partner and she suddenly seemed to want quiet time, I would grab a book and start reading.

The Benefits of the Fix
I was stunned by the benefits of doing this. I mentioned that I did it in front of my partner. My partner seemed relieved that I was doing it. She actively supported me. She told me about having so often felt a “failure” that she could not meet my needs. She began to relax around me and……..her output of love units began to increase. At this point, quite a few years since I started this plan, she can produce probably 500 love units without difficulty. Wow! And they are those highest quality love units!

Now, they are still not as many as I want, but I found out something else. It was the reliability that made all the difference, not the number of love units. My panic was much more driven by the fear that my sources would be cut off. And now I, with my Superfast Switch, was taking care of the reliability. My supply became just fine. My strategy met my need for reliable and sufficient contact and met my partner’s need for not-excessive contact. Cool!

Reliable Membership

Source of above writing

Your so kind. Thank you. I can't wait to look into all of his tonight!

Can I ask how you are so knowledgeable?

It is extremely painful.
I am sure they dont want you to suffer this pain.

If your partner is handicapped to the point of not even being able to give any kind of comfort ever, I dont know what I would do, except to leave.

You can maybe work with people who are quickly overwhelmed, and go elsewhere for deeper chats etc, if the partner want to give comfort when they can, then maybe its doable. But if you can't get your needs met, ever, it can't work.

Lots and lots of reading/ researching due to very nearly breaking up a long term relationship because I thought "he didn't care". Turned out he did. I had to do a lot of research to understand how we'd got to that point.

I think you dont put the work in until you're in deep pain. Which is why you need probably to leave him for him to experience the pain and motivation to work on himself. And he may just shut down further. He may just not "need" a relationship as much as you do (a snake!)

I didn't end up leaving because I realised I could heal my partner’s avoidance. He wasn't a snake. But not every case is like mine.

When I say heal, I really mean facilitating his own healing. I made a safe environment for him. I learned what made him feel safe. He started coming towards me more and more as a result. But he still shuts down at times - the difference is now I dont get upset or see it as a reflection of me. It took years to reach this point.

Regardless of the reason that he is this way, you sound miserable.

My exh was like this. I spent decades making excuses for it. Very happily divorced 😁

DIsordered personality. Run.

Wow. That's really amazing to hear. Not just that you saved your relationship but knowing you also had to make the same decision I'm faced with and had the courage to go ahead with it.
And not because I'm necessarily hoping for the same outcome but I find it hard and will find it hard for a very long time after if I continue to think "Why wasn't I good enough?!" or "How could he possibly do this to me?!"
I need to forgive him for myself.
I will probably never get the answers or the closure but it's comforting knowing there are reasons to people's behaviours.

It's also comforting to know I am not the only one in this situation. It's so hard to know which path to take. I admire your courage to continue and not just label him as "just an asshole".
Really pleased to of spoken with you.

Truly amazing!