Has anybody ever..

[F0reverMisunderstood]

Has anybody ever dealt with a long term partner that was excessively dismissive?
I'm talking completely shutting down when bringing up a problem/letting you cry whilst they sleep peacefully/having absolutely nothing to say or unable to speak about anything negative/brushing absolutely everything under the carpet/never coming up with a solution and feeling like your talking to a brick wall/unable to apologise or see your point of view.

And I want to know, have you ever come up with a reason or an understanding of why this person does this? Like actual, real deep reasons.

Seriously. I want to believe there is a reason behind all of this and I don't want to believe I'v been dating a horrible man for 10 years of my life.

I know most of the answers will be "yeah he's an asshole" - I agree!!!

But what makes a person like this?!

I'm looking forward to reading your thoughts and opinions!

I haven’t been in that situation myself, but what you’re describing sounds like classic emotional avoidance and possibly dismissive-avoidant attachment. It can come from growing up in an environment where emotions were ignored, shamed, or never modelled—so instead of engaging, they shut down, minimise, or deflect anything that feels uncomfortable.
It’s not about you being “too much”—it’s often about them not having the tools or emotional safety to deal with vulnerability. That said, understanding it doesn’t mean you have to accept it. You deserve emotional presence, not just explanations.

Your problem (other than him) is that you’re tying yourself in knots trying to understand his shitty behaviour - rather than saying ‘Fuck this - I’m off!”

Sounds sadly quite familiar, albeit not on the same scale.

Any chance he could be on the spectrum and just not understand emotional needs? Or emotionally neglected in his childhood - meaning he doesn't know how to handle any emotion? A more needy sibling perhaps took much of the emotional attention when he is younger?

This is my deduction and somehow seems easier to deal with at home, even though it's not nice.

Please share your story, if you'd like to of course.
Id love to hear any similar situations.

You could quite possibly be correct! 😅

There is a post by Rachel Hewitt on her sustack recently along these lines. It's actually about male secrecy and shame.

Absolutely this!!

Yes my partner used to be like this along with many other things. It almost broke us. The reason he ended up with was a diagnosis of EUPD, ADHD, emotional dysregulation and underdeveloped emotional intelligence ( his psych said he had the emotional intelligence of a preteen)

I say used to be like this because he actually isn't anymore and I don't think anyone would ever have thought he'd be capable of turning it around, myself included. It took throwing him out for things to change. He finally took his mental health seriously at that point and accepted every bit of help offered to him from professionals, paid out his own pocket to see a consultant privatly and get on medication, and fully accepted he had a problem. After cutting contact for a few months we started to make attempts at rebuilding with boundaries in place that I wouldn't allow him to trample all over like I had done previously. We've not had a single issue since which is a huge improvement on almost weekly problems!
Sometimes though I guess there just isn't a reason other than people being abusive/nasty/selfish.

Its great to hear your story. Thanks so much for sharing!
I'm so pleased he managed to get the help and your relationship survived.
Unfortunately I don't think this will be the case for myself and my partner.
I have never suggested to him to get professional help but I have looked back on my life and since I was 16 I have dealt with 2 long term partners both with "issues" that I tried to "fix" or even accept and questioned my own sanity over and over again. I'm now 33. Both of these relationship broke me down for years, not just once or twice but many many times. I need to learn when to give up and I clearly have some "issues" with letting go of things that hurt me. I think it's time to fix myself now.

My OH is like this, getting better with therapy but it is taking YEARS and she is taking snail paced steps. Her nana was hyper critical of the whole family, which has created a fragile ego in OH with high defensiveness whenever she feels attacked. And she is severely dismissive, like your DH, she believes everything should be swept under the rug, ingores me when I pour my heart out, has zero empathy, doesn't think about anything relating to the family. She is also unable to have any conversation that isn't 100% positive. As soon as it gets serious or I want to tell her something, even neutral conversations, she shuts down. It's HARD work.
We separated for a few years and she went to therapy. She still goes now. But she's admitted its almost like her brain factory resets every night and she's back to her default brain. Nightmare. You have my sympathies x

Thanks. It was a lot of effort and the reason I made it was partly because we had kids, house, life together and I recognised I had CHOSEN him and also recognised where I had been contributing to how he behaved with me. I also realised that if I can make him feel safer I can apply those skills to everyone I meet and also my children. So it was a win win to work on it.

The longer term outcome is that I no longer feel that if I still lost the relationship due to his shutting down it would be "my fault" if I needed to end it. I have far more the sense of "choosing to be together" every day and I think he does as well. There is much less taking the other for granted.

I can also recommend you listen to The Empowered Wife podcast on Spotify to see if any of it resonates. She interviews a lot of women who wanted to end their relationships and decided to try first to turn them round.

I say all this because it doesnt sound like you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you are being abused, please seek out other resources (Freedom Program etc).

Just to say one of the outcomes as well now is that he really "chases" me for contact now. Asks me questions. I have become associated with a person who for him is really nice to be around. That in itself is a huge achievement.

He also tells me in advance overtly when I am at risk of overwhelming him and I immediately give him space.

All this takes a lot of practice if you didn't learn these skills younger.

I think lack of self respect, lack of self control, lack of emotional intelligence, that’s what he thinks women should be treated like, being an abusive arsehole etc are all valid ‘reasons’ why.
But that’s got nothing to do with you and what you deserve. You can’t fix him. You don’t deserve this.
So trying to make it work by understanding where he’s coming from is pointless. He doesn’t love you, you don’t do that to people you love and respect.

I hope you get out and live a good life.

Yep. I’ve had this. Ended up knocking my confidence so much. Walking away was so hard because I still loved them but I felt like I couldn’t truly be me

I recommend also you research Codependency in relationships:

Divorce Podcast - Codependency

The goal in all of this is that you become the best, strongest person you can be INDEPENDENTLY of anyone else. You become sure of your own worth, love yourself deeply, respect yourself deeply.

If you get to that place, you will feel you can take on anything including a separation from anyone. I've proven to myself that it's possible to get there while staying in a relationship that "wasn't working". You need to learn to see yourself as an individual.

Alternatively you might be a drama queen and he doesn't want to "feed" your drama and make it worse.

Happy to message you privately to share mine if it helps ?

Yes, I have also considered this and possibly believed it for a long time!
I have kept my feelings inside for a good while in situations as I learnt it was better to not voice anything whatsoever than being left more upset after expressing myself.
But there's only so much of this until I end up having to confront him before I loose my mind.
I can now honestly say I personally don't believe I am a drama queen.

Go ahead! That would be great.