Estranged from my mother. Is she alive or dead?

[Lostworldss]

I’ve been estranged from my mum for the last few years, since she informed me (by letter) that she had remarried my stepfather who sexually abused me and my siblings when we were children. He was sent to prison but she stood by him (before divorcing him much later on).

I had somehow kept the relationship with her going despite her turning a blind eye to the abuse and then staying with him even after he was sent to prison. But her getting back together with him was the last straw.

I’ve finally started having counselling and it’s really helping me heal from everything I went through as a child (a lot more than this brief summary).

My mum is old now — mid 80s. And her husband is a couple of years older. I find myself wanting to make contact with her, not because I want to give her a piece of my mind but because I just want to wish her well and feel like I am free from the burden of resentment and hurt that has dragged me down for so long. It’s hard to explain.

There’s no answer on her landline nor her mobile (I know that she only uses the mobile rarely). I left a message but didn’t leave my number because I don’t want my stepfather to have it.

I know that she’s an active member of her local church so I tried phoning the vicar. Her phone is always on answerphone, and so is the church landline. Maybe they wouldn’t give me any info anyway.

I just want to know if she’s still alive. What can I do? Or should I just let it go?

Are you in contact with any of your siblings? Do any of them see her? If not you might have to just turn up at their house.

Maybe go to the next church service? The Vicar may not be able to give you much info, but generally services offer tea and coffe at the end of them, you might find out more by asking members of the congregation.

When do you last know she was alive and at that address? Death records and the electoral roll can be searched online.

I can see why you would like to see her but have you considered how you might feel if she rejects you or says something horrible?

If you are okay with that I woud think the vicar is the best bet so I would continue trying to contact him. I hope it goes well for you

If you have an ancestry membership it will show up information on deaths in the last few years, even though it won't have the GRO index reference.

No words of reassurance for you op. Just to let you know you are a better person than me.
Sorry for this horrible trauma you have suffered in your early life
💐 x

The vicar is probably the best bet. Just leave a message along the lines of "hello, I'm phoning about one of your parishioners, I wondered if you happened to know if Mrs xyz of xyz Lane had passed away in recent years. My number is x, if you could call me back I'd greatly appreciate it'.

Can’t you search for wills online? Would she have had a will?

im sorry. I do know what it’s like. I was estranged from my mum for the last six years of her life. When she was dying a member of her church let me know.

IF you are not nearby could you send a letter/note to the Vicar.

Have you just googled her name, if she’d died an undertaker may have had an online obituary.

Thank you to everyone who’s posted. I do appreciate it.

My siblings are also estranged from her.

I have searched online and the records only go up to 2023. So she was still alive then.

She has no money so wouldn’t have left a will.

I have thought about what I’d do if she was horrible to me. I don’t think she would be based on what I know of her. She wouldn’t get into any deep conversations at all, she’d talk about trivia which would be upsetting in its own way. But if she chose to try to attack me for going NC I’d explain why and I know she wouldn’t want to hear that.

Funnily enough I am due to be in her area in a few weeks time so I might turn up to the church and see if she’s there or if I can find out any news from anyone in person. I do still dread seeing my stepfather but I have a feeling he doesn’t go to the church.

I’ve drafted an email to the vicar but I don’t feel very hopeful of a response as she hasn’t responded to my voicemail (left 10 days ago). It feels quite raw to write it down — I’d rather speak to someone if possible.

Yes I’ve googled her name, no hits. She has no money and few to no friends so I doubt there’d be much online if she’d died.

A bit of an update. The vicar emailed me back and said she’d check that my mum was happy to share her contact details. So it was good to know that my mum is alive.

A couple of days later the vicar emailed me with mum’s address and phone number — the ones I already have!

I’ve now dialled the number several times. There’s never any reply. I left a slightly vague message and finally left another message with my phone number (which she should already have, but still).

My mum hasn’t called me back. I’m absolutely flabbergasted that she’s not taking the olive branch I’m offering. I feel like a mug for making the effort (I tried several avenues to get in touch with the vicar, and also the housing association). I also feel quite angry that she’s now somehow acting like the injured party.

On the other hand it is some sort of closure. I’ve tried to make peace with her and she doesn’t want to.

You’ve tried your hardest, there’s nothing else you can do. I imagine you feel really upset so I hope you are ok, I’m LC/NC with my family currently.

Is it a landline? Updating contact info is part of my job. Lots of people have stopped their landlines as they are an expensive addition.

Their vicar wouldn’t necessarily know.

Would she know who was calling, in order to be rejecting the calls? My mum, similar age, doesn’t get the name come up. She never answers either. Sometimes because the mobile isn’t charged or it’s on mute, or she simply any hear as her hearing is shot. Other times she just doesn’t get there fast enough.

Yes it’s a landline. The vicar had a conversation with my mum and my mum gave her the phone number.

I’ve phoned at various times of day but never any answer. I don’t think she’s hard of hearing unless things have changed.

I think it’s possible her husband is controlling the phone, and her. It’s also possible that she’s twisted the situation in her mind and made me the baddie.

So presumably they aren’t rejecting your calls, but everyone’s.
It might not even be plugged in. The cognitive decline can be significant.

Check in with your therapist. Personally I can’t imagine there being anything to gain from being in touch. You went NC for an excellent reason. She won’t have changed.

Remember many older folk want to keep up with appearances . She might have given permission for the vicar to pass on the info . But , sadly for you , in reality isn't going to take your calls.

That’s my guess. How painful for you

She doesn't deserve you wishing her well

Be sure to block her number now, because you can bet she'll be in touch when she wants something from you. Now that she has reinforced that she is the one who is in charge of when and how you reconnect.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to forget what people did, or stop protecting yourself from them. With these sorts of people it is far better to wish them well from a distance, without them knowing.

Often, with the passage of time, we forget how horrific people were, and why we were forced to go NC. Your mother remains the monster who cared so little for her children that she supported their abuser. She deserves nothing from you.

In case there is a mixed up, ask Vicar to kindly pass on your mobile to your mum. Have you tried writing to her? I think you are very brave OP I hope it won’t leave you disappointed, but atleast you know you tried. I am also NC with my mum and have been for many years, I wouldn’t want it to change though so there’s the difference. Good luck, do what’s right for you.

Thanks all for your input. I think the keeping up appearances thing might be it.

I don’t really want to write to her and give her my new address. I don’t want her husband to have access to any information about me.

Lots to talk about with my wonderful therapist…

Your problem is that you're being weighed down by a big heart and a kindly conscience. Your mother isn't.

Perhaps you could break free from this unhappy situation by imagining yourself carrying the Weight of the World on your shoulders and make the decision to put down the burden.

My sisters and I did so with an equally unkind father and have been out from under for the past 25 years. He, although having 4 daughters, 8 now adult grandchildren, and recently 2 great grandchildren, wouldn't recognise any of them if they walked up to him in the street and slapped him.

He worked very hard to treat us poorly so we're all pleased that he has attained the lonely life he's now living.

Perhaps your therapist could help you turn your thoughts in the same direction because as it is now, you are the one suffering an emotional wilderness and I know how hurtful that can be. Good luck.