Estranged from my mother. Is she alive or dead?

[Lostworldss]

I’ve been estranged from my mum for the last few years, since she informed me (by letter) that she had remarried my stepfather who sexually abused me and my siblings when we were children. He was sent to prison but she stood by him (before divorcing him much later on).

I had somehow kept the relationship with her going despite her turning a blind eye to the abuse and then staying with him even after he was sent to prison. But her getting back together with him was the last straw.

I’ve finally started having counselling and it’s really helping me heal from everything I went through as a child (a lot more than this brief summary).

My mum is old now — mid 80s. And her husband is a couple of years older. I find myself wanting to make contact with her, not because I want to give her a piece of my mind but because I just want to wish her well and feel like I am free from the burden of resentment and hurt that has dragged me down for so long. It’s hard to explain.

There’s no answer on her landline nor her mobile (I know that she only uses the mobile rarely). I left a message but didn’t leave my number because I don’t want my stepfather to have it.

I know that she’s an active member of her local church so I tried phoning the vicar. Her phone is always on answerphone, and so is the church landline. Maybe they wouldn’t give me any info anyway.

I just want to know if she’s still alive. What can I do? Or should I just let it go?

@Lostworldss the vicar needs to know that your mother’s husband has served a sentence and is danger to children.

No, the vicar doesn't need to know that.

Tbh I think everyone should know about monsters like these.

As next of kin it’s likely you’d have been informed if she had died. My partner is in a similar situation with her father.

@Oneearringlost well the safeguarding officer in the church should know it, if not the vicar. Someone in the church should be aware.
Obviously safeguarding procedures should mean it’s never an issue.

I disagree

The husband will be next of kin

If you can face it, please email the vicar or her safeguarding officer a short sentence to inform them of the husband's conviction. Or ask your therapist to do it.

The vicar might be able to facilitate a closure conversation if you and your therapist decide that it would be helpful to pursue it. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and hope that you get whatever you need to feel free.

Personally I wouldn’t email the vicar about the conviction, the reason being is a lot of the congregation are likely to be reformed convicts anyway. Vicar’s also work closely with people with difficult paths and lives. You will make yourself look like a troublemaker and you will be poking a hornet’s nest with your family. What you have been through is horrendous and you are best staying clear of the lot of them.

You have done what you can to contact your mum, the ball is in her court. But I wouldn’t chase her anymore.

Could you write her a letter telling her how you feel now you know where she lives. Even if you get no reply writing it all down may give you closure.

@myplace the vicar is aware. I’ve found press coverage relating to my stepfather being sent to prison for violating his sexual harm prevention order. Reference was made to the church.

Such a sad position to be in OP. Flowers 💐 for you x

Did she wonder if you're ok? If you're alive? I don't think she cares for your forgiveness.

As they say, the phone works both ways.

Yes indeed @NeedyQuoter. It’s a strange realisation that my abusive and neglectful mother is NC with me

Would they not inform her blood next of kin too if they don’t live with her husband? **

You maybe free from the burden of resentment and hurt @Lostworldss but your mum likely took you and your siblings SA personally, as if he had been unfaithful to her with other women. She reacted to the news like a betrayed wife, not a devastated mother, she sees all females as a threat to her and her marriage. She has no protective feelings towards anybody but herself and her marriage.
I think letting go and acknowledging that your mum isn’t like you, nor has the big heart like you.

Would they not inform her blood next of kin too if they don’t live with her husband?

No. Her husband would be her next of kin and unless he asked a hospital or hospice or the likes to contact her then they wouldn't.

Hi OP. I'm in a very similar situation to you. Abusive stepfather and my mother is NC with me, even though she's finally left him. We ran into each other in public by accident recently (hadn't seen her in over 5 years) and when she realised who I was, she literally legged it while I just stood there silent and in shock. It's a hard one, and it's natural to want to extend an olive branch despite everything, but I think it's best to just leave things alone. These women who gave birth to us aren't real mothers. Mothers love and protect their children.

Your problem is that you're being weighed down by a big heart and a kindly conscience. Your mother isn't.

^This

Yes indeed . It’s a strange realisation that my abusive and neglectful mother is NC with me**

^And this

I’ve a somewhat similar situation.

I watched a you tube video of a mother blaming her child daughter for attracting her husband and it really brought home have seriously fked up some people are and how hard religions work to cover for these people.

Next of kin and blood next of kin isn’t really anything, once a family member has been informed (the husband) that’s it. Medics/police or whoever is involved do not go round contacting multiple people

I doubt if anyone would know I’m NOK once her husband dies, if he goes first. It’s a really odd thought.

I just want to wish her well and feel like I am free from the burden of resentment and hurt that has dragged me down for so long.

You mum isn’t and hasn’t been who you need her to be.
It’s hard when you realise that actually she may have given birth to you but it doesn’t mean anything. What she did (and her husband obviously) is unforgivable. To now be ignoring you is the only control that she has left over you. The most powerful thing that you can do is to look to a happier future without your mother in it.

If it was me, I would find it helpful to write a letter. I probably wouldn’t send it (I burnt the letter to my attacker in the fire) but it might be helpful to get those thoughts out.

I hope that you have lovely people in your life

If she goes and her husband is already dead, police or authorities led by counxil will want to find next of kin for funeral costs. If she has funeral insurance or plan already then i doubt anyone will try to find you unless she specifies you or there is money needed to be paid.

OP, your situation is almost identical to mine, though I wasn’t abused by my stepfather (it was someone else, though my mum still doesn’t really care), but my stepfather abused other children.

My advice would be to step back from this situation and speak with your therapist. I think the universe is looking out for you here. No healing would likely have come from this conversation. If your mum is anything like mine and anything like it sounds she was in the past, it would be more minimisation and victim blaming. There are good reasons I’m sure why you and your siblings went NC and why they still are.

If your mum was going to demonstrate accountability and take responsibility for the pain she caused you all, she would have done that already. Hell, she wouldn’t be bloody (re!) married to the man who did it. No decent loving mother would do that. You are very unlikely to have gotten the closure you are hoping for by picking open the old wounds.

More than likely though, she isn’t not contacting you because she thinks you did something wrong. If she is anything like my mum, it’s a lot to do with not being able to accept that the version of reality that has kept her bubble from bursting isn’t true. Being confronted with me, my mum can no longer believe she was a good mother and that her partner is the good man she wants to believe he is. I ruin the lie she is telling herself. It’s easier to have no relationship with me (I don’t want one anyway) than to face that a good chunk of her life is a lie. She can’t face it. So she can’t face me either. She and her partner just live this weird fictitious life where they have all these made up stories for why none of their children have any relationship with them.

If I was to appear back on the scene, it would pop the bubble and suddenly the stories they’ve made up wouldn’t make sense. It wouldn’t surprise me if there wasn’t something similar going on here. Some people would rather take their shame to the grave than ever shine a light on it.

I’m sorry though, it is a strange pain to live with. I also google my mum periodically to see if she’s still alive.