Estranged from my mother. Is she alive or dead?

[Lostworldss]

I’ve been estranged from my mum for the last few years, since she informed me (by letter) that she had remarried my stepfather who sexually abused me and my siblings when we were children. He was sent to prison but she stood by him (before divorcing him much later on).

I had somehow kept the relationship with her going despite her turning a blind eye to the abuse and then staying with him even after he was sent to prison. But her getting back together with him was the last straw.

I’ve finally started having counselling and it’s really helping me heal from everything I went through as a child (a lot more than this brief summary).

My mum is old now — mid 80s. And her husband is a couple of years older. I find myself wanting to make contact with her, not because I want to give her a piece of my mind but because I just want to wish her well and feel like I am free from the burden of resentment and hurt that has dragged me down for so long. It’s hard to explain.

There’s no answer on her landline nor her mobile (I know that she only uses the mobile rarely). I left a message but didn’t leave my number because I don’t want my stepfather to have it.

I know that she’s an active member of her local church so I tried phoning the vicar. Her phone is always on answerphone, and so is the church landline. Maybe they wouldn’t give me any info anyway.

I just want to know if she’s still alive. What can I do? Or should I just let it go?

It's not mean to be. Don't force it anymore.

Nobody if tracing relatives for funeral costs. Relatives are not responsible for this, do you not think the police are busy enough? This is just utter nonsense. Please don’t be worrying OP because nobody is going to be tracing you to pay for anything.

And even if they did, you don't need to accept responsibility for the body and funeral costs. The council will give her a paupers funeral. Although its no doubt been renamed something a bit less Dickensesque.

Just a thought about the phone: your mother could well be deaf or partially deaf, so might not hear the phone, or leave her hearing aids out of her ears (the elderly do that) or the phone bell is on mute or she doesn't like the phone.
Anyway, so sorry that this all happened to you.

My heart goes out to you OP. I understand what you’re going through having experienced something similar.

What works for me is reminding myself that my mother is a very weak woman, and there may be reasons for that that I don’t yet understand. And I always think that to understand is to forgive.

You’ve done nothing wrong so hold your head up high. Your mother is maybe too ashamed and too fearful of rocking the boat to reply to you, especially now she’s older and presumably even more dependent on her husband. She may long to reach out to you but just can’t face it. It’s so hard to bear, I know.

You council might not but another council traced the estranged family for costs. They didn't demand or else but tried to see if they would foot the bill.

Family are not liable.

https://consultation.hackney.gov.uk/public-health/public-health-funerals-policy-consultation/

Where we are notified of a death and no one has come forward to make the funeral arrangements, we will do what we can to trace next of kin and try to establish the religious beliefs or funeral preferences of the deceased.

Thanks to all for your input and for sharing your own experiences.

I am discussing everything with my therapist which is a big help.

@MargotTenenbaumscoat thank you — yes I have a lovely DH and wonderful children.

I wouldn’t be at all bothered about being contacted for funeral arrangements or costs. I could always refuse, though I think I would derive some comfort from being acknowledged as her daughter, crazy as that sounds. My poor brother (who bore the brunt of the abuse) says he wants to dance on Mum’s grave.

This is the best of mumsnet — strangers helping each other. I truly appreciate it.

I wouldn’t be at all bothered about being contacted for funeral arrangements or costs. I could always refuse, though I think I would derive some comfort from being acknowledged as her daughter, crazy as that sounds. My poor brother (who bore the brunt of the abuse) says he wants to dance on Mum’s grave.

Mind yourself @Lostworldss

The thing I’ve found though is though you can’t predict when these types of calls come in. I had phone calls from child protection part of social services as I landed in a foreign country for a short break, it affected me for that holiday. I’ve had my GP (who was a mandated reporter) ring me as I drive to work to say social services have closed the case for some bull shit reasons which really affected me. I’ve had calls from the police to say they had arrested him while I’m on a break from teaching a class and then having to return straight back in to teach, that affected me too.

The fact that a person can put so much into restoring normal life only to have these communications which don’t make the situation any better come out of no where and have the impact they have, is very difficult. Mind yourself if you are open to those types of communication.

Again, family are not liable. This doesn’t make the family responsible in any way.

That’s not the ops problem to solve, she’s enough on her plate.

I wasn’t suggesting it was.

One last message/call/letter, say this will be the final contact.....then if she doesn't respond then let it go.

Hi OP. I wondered if writing a letter would help you and you can tell your mum everything you want to say to her (as someone said - she might be deaf now). I would definitely look into counselling so you are able to move forward without resentment. You sound like a lovely person to want to contact her after everything she has done. Sending you very best wishes.

Having been through a very similar situation as you and also having come out the other side of some very successful counselling I would have said don’t make contact with her. No good can come of making contact. There will be no fairy tale ending. Hope you can move passed this chapter and go on and have happy life. She doesn’t deserve your good will.

My estranged mum died back in 2013, no one contacted me, she was given a basic council funeral. I found this out from the council themselves, they told me where the plot was. This was in 2022. They never mentioned money or chased me either.