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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex partner assaulted me now and ive found out in pregnant

61 replies

Hello6678 · 05/06/2025 11:43

So as the title says, he assaulted me on Tuesday morning. He came home from drinking bender demanding the car keys so he could go back to his home town which is about 45 min car journey away.

obviously I wasn’t handing them over so he’s shoved me round and headbutted me! got me on the floor and twisted my arm up my back to get the keys from me.

he’s left and I’ve called the police who attended and took photos of my injuries but he still hasn’t been arrested yet.

I went to see my friend on Tuesday night with my son (who was upstairs in bed whilst all this was going on) and decided to take a pregnancy test because for some reason I actually wanted to have a child with this creature and we were actively trying . And it’s positive ! I haven’t told him.

I don’t know what to do, 75% of me is saying get rid of it, can’t bring a baby into this messy situation and I’d be tied to him forever, he is chaos ! But 25% of me is wanting to keep it, I wanted this baby , can I do it by myself ? I know it will be hard but … I just don’t know!!

He’s not always been this way, this is the first time (and last) he’s assaulted me. And I’m just so shocked that he has assaulted me.

he has been on a drinking session a few times before and come back at stupid o'clock and I’ve made it clear that it’s not something I’d accept and I think he knew that he had crossed the line which is why he wanted to go back to his home town as he knew I would be asking him to leave.

I can’t have it around my son, obviously he’s my main priority!

I will not be taking him back at all, it’s done and finished now.

but now I’ve found out I’m pregnant am I just signing myself up to a life of being hit with his fall out when he decides to press the self destruct button - will he even be consistent with contact for a child. Is it just easier to terminate and move on with my life ? Will I regret not keeping it?

sorry if I am not making much sense ! I don’t feel like I am lol my head is fried !

please can I have some advice from others xx

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 05/06/2025 11:45

Its ultimately your decision but I would not want anything that tied me to such an awful man (assuming your existing child is not his)

Profpudding · 05/06/2025 11:46

Do you want to coparent for this person for the next 18 years and for your child to potentially live with them and any partners that they may have ?

Have another baby with somebody else who actually likes you and the child

Holdonforsummer · 05/06/2025 11:47

Sorry To hear that all happened to you and good for you for standing firm on not having him back. Just be aware that even when there is DV involved, fathers often gain partial custody of their children or at least access rights so keeping this baby really would tie you to him. Wouldn’t guy rather wait and have a baby with a new partner who treats you well?

Onlyharmony · 05/06/2025 11:48

Usually I'd say keep it but this man is a danger to you and your child. Once physical, can do it again.

Onlyharmony · 05/06/2025 11:49

Also what if he drink drives with your children in the car?

alcoholnightmare · 05/06/2025 11:49

I should think following the police report you’ll hear from social services soon as your son was asleep upstairs.
they will want to hear you’re having nothing to do with this man before considering closing your case.
I think that’s your answer really. Sorry op x

BobbleHatsRule · 05/06/2025 11:49

Co-parenting with someone who is violent will give you years of distress. Don't assume he will never be given access. I would struggle with a termination persianlly but I'd struggle a lot longer having a baby with someone like this

alcoholnightmare · 05/06/2025 11:50

Is he a coke addict by any chance?

TomatoSandwiches · 05/06/2025 11:52

Don't, just don't, be sensible, have the termination, get some therapy to help you figure out why you put up with this man so you can make healthier choices in the future instead of making your life and your sons life harder than it has to be.

BlueRin5eBrigade · 05/06/2025 11:53

I'm sorry. I would end the pregnancy. I wouldn't want to coparent with a man like that. I'd be worried for my child's safety and emotional wellbeing.

BeMintFatball · 05/06/2025 11:54

This is not a baby. It’s a bunch of cells with potential to develop into a baby.

Get rid now. Stay strong on your decision to remove this poor excuse of a man out of your life

Shhhhitsmagic · 05/06/2025 11:55

I'm someone who personally would really struggle to have a termination, however in your situation I wouldn't hesitate to have one.
Imagine if he wants 50/50 and you have to hand your baby over? He sounds like an absolute nightmare

Morningsleepin · 05/06/2025 11:55

The only way you could possibly do it is if you didn't put on the birth cert and he didn't find out about the baby's existence. But that would mean having a child who could never know or meet their father

MyUmberSeal · 05/06/2025 11:55

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. What an asshole.
In your situation, I would be terminating at the earliest opportunity. A lifetime is a long time when tied to such a nasty twat. Not fair on you or the baby.

MounjaroMounjaro · 05/06/2025 11:56

Why would you give a child such an awful father?

Why would you put yourself in a situation where you have lifelong contact with a man who headbutted you?

You realise your life will be utterly miserable if you have a child with him. Obviously you don't want to have an abortion, but it's very early days and you have to weigh that up against a lifetime of misery for you and your children.

FortyElephants · 05/06/2025 11:56

Having a baby with him will fuck up your life and to an extent the life of the baby. I really wouldn't.

ShuffleHopStepForgetStep · 05/06/2025 11:57

I assume he is not the father of your DC?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think you need to muster your strength and do everything in your power to put as much distance between you (metaphorical and potentially physical) as possible for the sake of your child and yourself. For me, that would include terminating this pregnancy (and never telling him), I wouldn't want the risk of being tied to this nasty bastard.

spicemaiden · 05/06/2025 11:59

Men like this frequently yse their children to control, manipulate and abuse their ex partner and trust me when I say the court, the police, social services are blinder than bats at seeing it - YOU will be the problem, not him.

think hard on that. It’s dominated the past 20 years of my life

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 05/06/2025 11:59

Such a man should never be allowed near you or any dc. But a court would give him his rights...
Termination will see you rid of him forever..
Which is best for you and your existing dc....
Have an abortion and never tell him.
End the relationship today before he kills you. Imagine your dc waking up to find your body...

Renabrook · 05/06/2025 11:59

What is best for the child? Go with that

Geeseinarow · 05/06/2025 12:08

OP, if you continue with this pregnancy, it won't just be 'hard' in the conventional sense that having and raising a child is hard. You will be in for a world of stress with this violent, chaotic man if he chooses to make your life hell, and your existing child will witness the fallout of this. Abusers often use children and the legal system as a way of continuing to abuse the mother by proxy.

I am sure you are and would be a loving and capable mother. But is it in the best interests of a child that they are burdened with this lump as a father?

Shelly1973ish · 05/06/2025 12:10

Is he your older dc father?

BlueandPinkSwan · 05/06/2025 12:10

If you were my d I'd advise you not to have this baby, he's violent, he drinks and doesn't appear to give a shit about you.
If the assault had happened and you weren't pregnant, would you still want a baby with this person? Probably not.

Whattodo1610 · 05/06/2025 12:12

Hoppinggreen · 05/06/2025 11:45

Its ultimately your decision but I would not want anything that tied me to such an awful man (assuming your existing child is not his)

Exactly this. You will be tied to this man and his vile ways for at least 18 years. You will have to co parent, he will get a say in decisions etc.

Girlmom35 · 05/06/2025 12:18

If he's not the father of your other child, I personally wouldn't keep the baby - although this is a deeply personal decision.

It's not about whether you're able to do this alone. It's whether you're willing to put yourself and your children through having to live with him in your life. Not for the next 18 years. Forever. Do you think your child won't invite both of you to his graduation, his wedding, your grandchildrens birthday parties? He will have access to you for the rest of your lives.

Being a solo mum is hard, but I'm not questioning whether you could do it. Having an abusive, destructive, violent alcoholic messing with you while you try to raise your children, that's a whole other game. He can drag you to court over and over again for custody and visitations. He can cross your boundaries through your shared child whenever he wants. He can alienate you from your child by saying nasty things about you behind your back. All of which are inadequately protected by the law, and can only be handled after the damage has been done. You will have to have some form of interaction with him for the rest of your life. Plus, you have no idea whether or not your child will be influenced by him. Your child can end up being his next victim, his punching bag.

If you want another child so badly, you're better off getting a sperm donor and doing it that way, rather than subjecting yourself and your child to this ticking time-bomb.